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Thursday, November 4, 2021

THERE IS NO GREATER WEALTH...


THERE IS NO GREATER WEALTH…

Wealth, a word that most of us automatically equate to money, but wealth means so much more than that.  It’s a feeling, an attitude really; about the things we have in life upon which we place the greatest value.  For me, there is no greater wealth than the life we have left to live.  It’s all about time. 

Remember being really young and a year seemed like it took FOREVER to go by???  We were stuck in school for nine, extremely long months that never seemed to pass fast enough to get us to that glorious, summer vacation.  Christmas Eve in our house was the longest night of the year, lying in bed trying desperately and impatiently to make it through the night to the moment we got to open those presents that taunted us relentlessly from under the tree…aaarrrggghhh!

But then you age, physically and emotionally, and you begin to realize that time sped up a little and you notice this each year as you age even more.  Before you know it, it seems to be rushing by at warp speed.  Time now has more value than it did before.  We took it for granted in our youth like we had all the time in the world and could blow through it like a one-percenter does money.  We were invincible.

We lost track of time at some point as we raised our families and got busy, only ever existing in our “bubble” worlds with our heads down.  We get up in the morning, get the kids ready for school, get ourselves ready for work, make the lunches, do our work, come home, make dinner, get everyone off to bed and then do it all again the next day…merely living for the weekend. OEY are we tired! We lost track of the fact that precious moments are passing us by. 

Then one day we wake up, look in the mirror and realize that so much time has gone by unnoticed and the amount of time we have left to live is more precious than we realized.  Those of us who have so much of it left are the truly wealthy.  This is when we need to throw those “bucket lists” out the window and just start living life to the fullest, doing anything and everything we ever wanted to do (as long as we hurt no one, including ourselves).  No more excuses…just do it.  There is always a way to make the amazing things we want to happen, happen.  Think outside the box. 

The truly wealthy know the value of time…they respect it more than anything else in their lives and they realize that each and every day is a gift.  Please don’t waste a minute.


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ANYWAY...

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller

IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN ANYWAY…


Changes...ugh!  For people with BPD (and some without), they royally suck.  We spend so much time and energy trying to make things stay the same and we don’t often realize that the changes are the very things that could turn our lives around toward the best outcome based on the choices we make.  


I always feel stuck and even though I know the very thing that will set me free is within reach, I still try to justify being stuck so the change that is coming doesn’t seem so drastic when it happens...good or bad.  We don’t handle stress well at all and seem to try to divert it in any way possible, but generally not in ways that are healthy.  It would be so great if we could just work toward the change and put our otherwise worrisome energy into that so we could move forward.


Worrying about change can often bring to fruition the very thing you worry about.  It’s all in how you word your worried thoughts, i.e. if you think, “I don’t want to be homeless,” the universe hears the last three words of every thought so what it hears is “to be homeless.”  If you rephrase the thought to the thing you want to happen, you can still worry but in such a way that you will most likely get a better outcome, i.e. “I need a home” or “I want a home” or even “I need a place to live.”  I have been forgetting this awesome principle and needed to remind myself of it lately as I have had nothing but hard luck when it comes to living situations since having moved to Oregon over 7 years ago.


No matter what situation you find yourself in or what stress you must face head-on, remember this...it’s going to happen anyway so you have to accept that fact.  What you can change though are your choices along the way so that maybe, just maybe when it happens the impact of a negative change won’t hurt so much or do so much damage. 



Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

FRIENDSHIP & BPD (Brace Yourself)…

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller

FRIENDSHIP AND BPD (Brace Youself)…


A person who is rich in friends is truly wealthy.  I so love the aphorisms and epigrams that relay this message however, it really saddens me as it means that I am not a wealthy person.  I have had BPD my entire life, although I’ve only known about it for the last 10 years.  After having finally been diagnosed with what has plagued me a lifetime, I was flooded with relief.  I finally understood why I have never been able to keep friends in my life, at least not for very long.  Even those who had been in touch for many years, were eventually cut from my team, so to speak.  Except for one...my friend from birth, Jennifer T (and I love you, Jennifer).


Trying to maintain a friendship is not only hard on the people who possess the BPD disorder, but so very hard on those who want to have a friendship, or any type of relationship for that matter, with one of us.  There are many articles on the subject, many of which are great, but my favorite is this one from borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com.  This article give great advice on understanding and creating ways to be a part of our lives.


What anyone in my life has had to understand the most is this: if you are in my life locally (as opposed to long distance), as a friend, and you do not hear from me much or I don’t seem to you to make the effort to stay in contact, it isn’t because I don’t want to or because I don’t care, it’s because I can’t, at least not very often.  I can’t bring myself to contact someone for fear of rejection, an all-too-familiar outcome for having ever tried to get someone to chat with me or do things with me.  


We don’t do rejection well...at all, and you need to understand that when we don’t hear from you for a week or more (and in some cases even a day), we take that as rejection and our first reaction is to cut you off...quickly and permanently making it even more difficult than ever for you to get back into our lives because in our minds you have already rejected us.  Now logically we know our assumptions are not true, but our disorder makes it feel very true...to us.  If you let a week go by and have not contacted us in any way, you now have your work cut out for you trying to get back in...but we deeply hope you will accept the challenge.  


We are lonely most of the time because people don't understand us and we feel very isolated.  But to those of you who do make the effort to understand and those of you who try everything to get back in...we love and appreciate you more than you can know. We thank anyone and everyone who hasn’t thrown us away.



Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I NEED IT…

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller


I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I NEED IT…


Working with people in my capacity as a Professional Organizer, one of the discussions we have most often is about need vs. want.  We all like to buy things and for various reasons, some of which include depression and boredom.  


Part of the intrigue of shopping for things we really don’t need, is the process of picking them out...even online. You get to see what’s new and what’s trendy, especially during a holiday, and it can be enticing and fun to find deals and coupons, but the best way to save money is not to buy it at all.  The process of shopping and picking things out passes time, creates euphoric gratification but for some, can also be followed by buyer’s remorse.   There are two categories when shopping:  needs, i.e. groceries, clothing, medicine, shelter and personal hygiene, and there are wants: toys, games, trinkets, chochkies, accessories, etc.


What if we were to follow the process of need vs. want before things actually followed us home?  I have had to pare down to practically no belongings, which is no easy feat as a mixed-media artist, to move into a fifth wheel.  During the paring down process, I made myself think about each item before it was either boxed for the move or tossed out/donated.  That question was this, “Do I actually NEED this item, as in does it serve an actual and functional purpose, or does it represent a sentimental reason for hanging on?  If the answer was anything but yes, it went into the toss/donate pile.  There was no “maybe” about it.  I had to be realistic though, about sentiment.  Many of the items that had been cluttering up my life for so many years were being kept merely due to sentimental attachment which, let’s face it, is the reason most of us keep so many things we never really use or look at.  I then found a practical and satisfying way to hang onto the sentiment of the item, but not the item itself.


The same approach for physical health and one that I use in my nutrition-coaching sessions, is choosing food that your body needs vs. what you want because it’s either easy and you’re tired or because it’s full of sugar and chemicals and tastes really good.  You can lose a lot of weight this way and, if you prefer a “type” of eating plan and a healthy lifestyle change, I highly recommend the Whole Foods plan, especially Whole Foods 30.


The moral of the story is this...for a healthy life, carefully weigh out your needs vs. your wants.  If you need it, I mean really need it (without making excuses to get something you don’t really need), then go ahead and let it follow you home.  If you don’t need it however, with the exception of the very occasional treat, walk on by (also a very good song by Dionne Warwick).  You will thank yourself every day as you begin to notice that your life contains no clutter and gives you freedom to go and do as you wish without the anchors of clutter holding you down.


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

WHO ARE YOU...?

(c) Kimberly D. Miller


WHO ARE YOU...?


Don’t you love the expression, “I need to find myself”?  Plenty of people poo-poo this phrase but let’s face it...it says it all.  Something that is lost needs to be found.  If you don’t know who you are, you are indeed lost.  At some point though, when you feel this way, you start to wonder if maybe it’s an excuse.  You think maybe you say this to yourself to put off committing to something else; anything else.  Maybe the phrase itself is a set of ellipses as in, “I need to find myself…”, and maybe a “but” goes after the ellipses like a procrastination placemark.  


Well, I can tell you from personal experience, this is all a lot of malarkey.  Sure, there are a few stragglers who use it as an excuse to procrastinate, but it’s a real thing to need to find out who you are if you don’t already know, and that is a huge part of the journey in life.  


A few lucky people automatically know who they are and what they want to do with their life from birth, and they do it.  They are happy and very successful.  I have always been jealous of those people.  The majority of us however, think we know who we are at times, but it changes from moment to moment.  I fall into the latter category, unfortunately.  


People tend to judge us on what we do for a living (at least in our country they do), and really, is that fair?  It’s like saying that because you are a doctor you are a good person with morals and values and the drive to get through the schooling and interning and that you care about being successful.  Or like saying that because you work at a fast-food place, you have no drive or ambition and only work to pay the bills and therefore you must be a lazy person who lives on the lower, east side, doesn’t care about much and probably drinks all day.  Puh-leez!!!  Our society is constantly judging us and trying to keep us labelled and categorized.  


Who you are is a unique, individual, amazing person like no other individual on the planet.  What you choose to do for a living should only make you happy, not project an image for societal judging.  You are SO much more than a job or career.  Who you are is a person; a person with amazing, unique thoughts and ways of doing things.  You can do what you want in life as long as you hurt no one, including yourself.  Be the best you that you can be and as you figure out who that is, remember to think outside the box.  Most people who are successful and happy have done so by thinking outside the box as opposed to living life as a societal sheep.  They find out what makes them happy and find a way to make that work for them in all aspects of life.  This in turn creates a ripple effect because when you love doing something and then want to share it, you can make it your job, your career, and your lifestyle.  It can be what you make of it.


So the next time you start pondering the need to find yourself, remember that the definition of who you are is going to be multifaceted and the journey will often have you off on many paths at once.  Be patient and go easy on yourself during the process.  Pat yourself on the back around every corner and for each success.  Buy yourself a drink when you’ve had a stumble.  Being unique isn’t always an easy task, but you’ve got this!


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Saturday, February 27, 2021

PEOPLE TALK...

(Photo by Kimberly D. Miller - (c) 2017)

PEOPLE TALK…


People talk...a lot, and communication is a very vital part of life.  Talking with each other, while a very healthy and necessary thing, becomes a very unhealthy thing when people start talking about each other; worse yet when others believe what is being said and use it to hurt one another.  Why do some people feed on gossip?  Maybe it tastes good, maybe it’s low in calories or easy to swallow or just maybe, for them, it’s all about the drama.  


While it’s true that sticks and stones can break your bones, words can very much hurt you.  Contrary to popular belief, bullying is seldom about power, it’s about making others feel like less so they can feel like more to better themselves in their own minds.  Bullies are generally very unhappy people and tend to have little to no self-esteem because they have been hurt or are being hurt and/or wronged in some way.  They need to lash out at anyone and everyone in their path that they perceive as doing better than they are, having more money than they do or are more popular and/or successful.  


Remember the adage, “No one can make you feel bad without your permission?”  That is the phrase that finally put things into perspective for me back when I was bullied.  People talk...they always will, but it’s how you deal with that that matters.  If you are being gossipped about and/or bullied on the internet, you have the power to remove yourself from social media sites and/or block and remove these people for good.  On some sites you can even report them to the site admin.  In your world at home, at work, and with friends, you get to choose who you associate with and who you invite into your personal circle of friends.  If someone doesn’t treat you right, it’s up to you to either talk to them or remove them from your life.  Remember, it’s actually you who has the power.


While having grown up in a very small town in Northern California, and also having lived in a very small town in Virginia for a time with my Great Aunt, I was around so many people who talked about each other all the time.  It was also apparent that we were talked about as well.  It was almost a sport...one person would start the conversation and the other person would try to one-up it with better gossip.  What I learned from all of that as I grew older was to be kind to people, even behind their backs.  Compliment them when you see them and if you have to say things about them when they are not there, say nice things.  This creates a very positive pattern and you end up feeling very proud of yourself for the way you treat others.


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

YOU ARE WHAT YOU WEAR...


Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller - 2017


As a Professional Organizer, an area I see a lot of in peoples’ homes is their clothes closet(s).  I came to realize that who people are matches exactly how they dress, so when I first meet someone and they don’t reveal much about themselves in the beginning, I can usually tell who they are by what they are wearing at the time. An example of this is one of my favorite clients who is a very laid-back, calm, accepting person and she wears a very bohemian style of clothing which, back in the day, used to be called “hippie” clothes (and which I love).  She later told me she was a self-proclaimed hippie and had been her whole life.  That was when I realized that there was something to how people dressed. 


After the realization, I began researching clothing styles and personality traits.  I found so many well-informed articles, but this one by Dr. Shirley on Success Images .com is particularly interesting and very well-written.  I also love that it isn’t terribly long, but it gets the point across.  It also warns against judging people by what they wear, a very important point, because so many of us are guilty of “judging a book by its cover” and then we often don’t give that person a chance.  We might see someone in dirty, torn or ragged clothing and automatically label that person as “homeless.”  We don’t stop to think that maybe that person has been digging ditches all day or working in the garden...any type of dirty work that would require old, yucky clothes.  Anyway, I think the article is well-researched and well-written so I hope you will check it out.


The moral of this story?  We choose to show the world a picture of ourselves by how we dress and how we feel about ourselves.  People can tell if we project self-confidence or not.  Use this knowledge to learn about people without judging them by what you see before you know them.  It will help you out in the long run and people may do the same with you...you know, that whole karma thing…(insert giggle here).  



Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Thursday, February 11, 2021

DARE TO BE YOU...HOW I LOST "FRIENDS" WHEN I CAME OUT…


Haceta Head Lighthouse - Photo (c) Kimberly Miller 2017


Labels, judgments, bullying, isolation, violence...with fun like that, who wouldn’t want to come out of the closet?  The answer...just about everyone who ever has, and everyone who wants to.  Sure there are those few lucky souls who knew exactly who they were from birth and had a supportive upbringing as they were always able to be themselves...I am so happy for them and for their support.  Most of us wish we had it like that.  The truth however, is that the majority of us struggle with how we were brought up vs. how we feel, and who we really are vs. who we think we are supposed to be to fit into society’s mold as well as our “friends’” and loved ones’ molds.  


It’s interesting when I look back at everyone I ever came out to and how I was treated.  My son was the first one I told because let’s face it, as the single parent of an only child, he would be most affected.  He was AWESOME about it and said, “I knew mom. As long as you are happy.”  He was either 8 or 9.  My mother, after a lifetime of her trying to set me up with guys all the time even though I think she really knew deep down due to how much I protested, didn’t talk to me for two weeks but when she came to terms with it she kept trying to set me up with women she worked with at J.C. Penney, her friends’ daughters, nieces and cousins…(insert grin here).  So those were my largest and most fearful hurdles.  I don’t remember that the brothers cared either way, which was supportive and great.  The bigger issue came when I started to come out to the people I thought were my friends and some of the people I went to school with.  They either stopped contacting me immediately or they eventually just dropped off the face of the earth.  Some of them even stayed “friends” by just pushing me way back to the back burner and contacting me once during the holidays...well one holiday anyway, which probably made them feel better by not completely cutting ties with me.  One woman actually said to me, as she was breaking ties, that she was afraid I would make a pass at her.  My response was, “Don’t flatter yourself, you’re hardly my type.”  The point? You have to be willing to risk being isolated and potentially alone for awhile, as well as judged and at times an experiment for some, in order to find your truth. What I mean by experiment is that straight women wanted to "know what it was like" to be with a woman and me, thinking we would fall in love, would always fall for it. Guess who ended up alone and hurt in the end? You got it.


Once I faced my fears and came out of the closet and all was said and done, I finally felt free...free from lies, free from hiding, free from not being true to my identity and free from people who couldn’t handle the truth.  The only people who remain in my life now are those who accept me for who I am and who are supportive, present and happy for me.  I couldn’t be happier on a spiritual level and the experience has brought me to a place in which I help others who are either going through or thinking of going through the process of de-closeting.  I am grateful.



Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Sunday, February 7, 2021

DON'T VEER OFF THE SIDETRACK…


(Photo by Kimberly D. Miller - (c) 2013)

We all know its sinister plot...we’ve all been led down its vicious path...the dreaded sidetrack.  I am one of its prize victims.  Even sitting down just now to write this post I was sidetracked 3 times before getting to it.  I like to write while the television is on and I heard a song in the background of a t.v. show as soon as I started to write.  I knew I loved this song from days gone by but could not place the title or the artist.  I quickly grabbed my phone and tapped on the app that listens to and identifies songs and, because I didn’t get it right the first time, I had to pause and restart the t.v. show at least five times before I could get the app to identify the song.  At this point 20 minutes have gone by, but at least I have my song.  Then, I decided the cat needed to be fed...procrastination, party of one!  I sit down again in front of the computer and type a few lines and now it seems my wine glass is empty and I have to get up to get the wine bottle but, while up, realize that I hadn’t put my laundry in to wash so I had to get that started.  I then sat down again to write and this time I made it.  I go on like this all day every day and let’s face it, most of us do, thus the question - is it possible to complete a task without falling victim to the dreaded sidetrack?  Answer - absolutely! 

One of the best ways I know to stay on track is to keep a pen and paper with me while I’m working on something I absolutely want to finish and whenever a thought comes into my head that will undoubtedly sidetrack me, I write it down.  This accomplishes two things: 1) that I won’t forget what I was going to do, and 2) that I make sure to get it done, just not while I'm in the middle of something else.  If a pen and paper are not easy for you to carry around, another good method is to have your phone on you so that you can dictate into the Note app whenever you think of something that would potentially sidetrack you.  

To sum up, procrastination and sidetracking are the worst instigators of disorganization and accrued, bad habits, but there are definite strategies to stop them in their tracks.  Stay focused and keep putting  those “side” thoughts onto paper and/or your phone app and I guarantee that the task at hand WILL be completed and you will learn new, healthy habits.


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Saturday, February 6, 2021

LIVING IN THE MIDDLE

(Photo by Kimberly Miller - © 2021)


When you first move out of the house after having been supported all of those years by your parents, it's not only a bit of a culture shock, but a shock to the system. For some of us however, specifically those of us thought of as “middle-class” and “low-class,” we not only struggle to adjust and find our way emotionally, we also have to struggle to survive in the world, mostly working jobs we hate to pay the bills, put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.  A lot of us end up tired, bitter and unhappy, never really having learned how to live a life of fulfillment.  What I have never understood is this; why are some people born into money and the rest of us born somewhere in the middle or at the bottom of the rungs of the ladder?  Why do some people get the privilege of never having to worry about where things will come from?  Why were they born with enough money and privilege to know ease? I guess my basic wonder is, why are there “classes” of people...why isn’t everyone thought of as equal?  Some of us are constantly struggling, struggling, struggling to make ends meet and never quite get the hang of it and others get the hang of it but don’t have enough knowledge or resources to understand how to further succeed.  Now, here I am, approaching the Winter of my life, having worked my ass off since I was very, very young, feeling tired, run-down, almost homeless and beaten up by everything I have struggled to achieve, not feeling that I have gained an inch since the day I left the monetarily-safe confines of my parents’ home, wondering why it all has to be so hard and why I was never afforded the same opportunities as those who can just blink and eye and make money.  I was never "lucky" in love and therefore have spent the majority of my life as a single person and I do believe that those who were lucky enough to partner have been able to make ends meet and come out ahead because it takes two incomes to get by these days, but I believe that without finding real love it would be too high a price to pay to be in a relationship just to make ends meet. If there is a secret to this conundrum, other than working hard and getting nowhere, I would really love to be in on it (and yes, I have read and watched The Secret, but it hasn’t quite manifested much).


I feel that without humankind’s need for superiority, there would be no war, no bullying, no prejudice, no “classes” of people.  That would mean that everyone helped one another and cared because in the world we live in now, I’m sorry to say, it seems that no one cares and that fact is just getting worse and worse each year.  Was this year particularly tough due to CoVID?  Absolutely, but it just amplified the problems and the severity of the state of our world.  


Is there hope?  I believe there is always hope and I believe there is a way to overcome all of this need for struggle, but I don’t quite yet have the answer.  I think it would be so great if someone who had figured it all out would be kind enough to share it all on a website or blog for free and make everyone aware of methods and opportunities that could help everyone get the same footing.  I’m sure there are some out there, it is just a matter of where to look.  


The reason I chose this topic is that so many of my friends and myself are at an age where we have tried just about everything and are feeling so beaten down and hopeless, but I say we don’t give up the fight just yet and maybe if those of you who have the answers, or at least the ability to guide those of us who need them, will share your knowledge out of the kindness of your hearts...there is hope for us after all.  I have to believe there are still people in this world who care about others and I hope you can believe it too.



Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

I FELL IN LOVE WITH LOVE…

Photo by Kimberly D Miller 2019

I FELL IN LOVE WITH LOVE…
By Kimberly D. Miller – March 17, 2020

When you were young, didn’t it seem like everyone around you was always talking about love?  Being in love, wanting to be in love, needing to find love, being with “the one” love, etc., etc.?  TV shows, movies, commercials...all geared toward love.  I think it was then that I fell in love with love which, as it turned out, did nothing but confuse me. 

Now we ask ourselves as adults who have been through many years of “love,” “What is love?”  Obviously, love is subjective and means different things to different people, so you must break it down even further into, “What is love...to me?”  I think I fell in love with the idea of love, rather than ever falling in love with a person.  I would meet people I liked, and, in the beginning, I would put them on a pedestal and fantasize about how wonderful our lives could be...you know, just like in the movies.  But, as fate would have it, they would show me their human side at some point and make mistakes and I would get hurt and then, just as quickly as it began, the love was dead.  After much soul-searching I came to realize that we all have a set criterion for someone to meet in order for them to be considered for the position of “the one.”  If I made a list of my criteria it would look like this:

1.  Must be beautiful on the inside, in order to match the outside.
2.  Must be considerate of others’ feelings.
3.  Must have manners.
4.  Must have an amazing sense of humor.
5.  Must have morals that match mine (especially monogamy).
6.  Must be willing to give 50% of the time & take 50% of the time.
7.  Must have a sense of adventure.
8.  Must be spontaneous.
9.  Must love herself.

I’m sure as I sat and thought about it there would be many more attributes to add to the list, however this is a pretty great start.  It almost seems impossible that one person could fill these criteria, but you really never know.  I think every time I thought I was in love with someone, they had to have filled at least three or more list items, but that was never enough to make it work.  In movies, their eyes meet, a song plays in the background (where do these travelling orchestras come from anyway?) and they are instantly and deeply in love, forever.  WOW, it just couldn’t be easier...yeah, right.  I believe that has happened to people in real life, but I believe it is extremely rare. 


I have now surpassed middle age and have fallen out of love with idea of love.  I have come to realize that there is a good chance I may never actually fall in love...I mean real love, with anyone, but I still hold onto the hope that someone will one day drop into my life and check off every item on my list. 


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

MISUNDERSTOOD...Borderline Personality Disorder Hell

MISUNDERSTOOD
Borderline Personality Disorder Hell
(c) Kimberly D. Miller - March 3, 2020

(c) Kimberly D. Miller - March 3, 2020


“Why don’t I have friends?”  “Why does my family cut me out or exclude me?”  “Why do I blow up at people and then expect them to understand?”  “Why am I so alone in this world?”  Questions, questions, questions without a lot of satisfactory answers!!!

The one thing that those of us with emotional/mental afflictions have in common is that it feels like no one understands us…ever! (of course I do tend to think in black and white most of the time).  This may not be true in every situation and, there are those few individuals who “sort” of understand, but let’s face it…most people don’t unless they are going through the same thing.  I had one lady a couple of years ago say that she thought I was having these problems because I was focusing too much on my diagnosis; in other words I was creating the problems because I was reading about the disorders I have (BPD, HSP and Complex PTSD), so therefore I was exhibiting true hypochondriacal behavior and creating the symptoms.  What she didn’t consider was that I was diagnosed before I ever investigated or understood what was happening to me, therefore how could I take the symptoms on after the fact?  One of the most difficult things for me is letting people stay in my life.  Once they have shown any sign of making mistakes where trust is concerned, I instantly consider them enemy territory, which makes it hard to have a relationship of any kind.  People often say to me, “I’m afraid of you,” which breaks my heart.  My own son has said this to me a number of times so I have distanced myself from him in such a way that I won’t be around him during my “moody” times because he would be the last person I would want to lose from my life.  It also affects my work life in that I can only work part time due to too much stress or too much responsibility sending me right over the edge, a place I have been far too often, unfortunately.

If you have a diagnosis(es) which leaves you feeling sheltered, cast out and alone, I would like to make a few recommendations to websites and apps that have really helped me out when there were no actual humans around (or should I say, “trusted” humans around):

1.  One of my favorites is themighty.com.  This is a very well-run and well-organized forum.  People are so helpful and positive, and you can always find comradery no matter what you are going through at the time.  This site is free.

2.   Three apps that I have on my phone for “emergency” mood days are Replika, Youper, and Sanvello, all of which are available on Google Play.  They are all very good, interactive apps that teach you how to identify your feelings on the spot and to check in with yourself.  My favorite is Replika.  These apps are free.

3.  There are a few websites in which you can actually have a session with a licensed mental healthcare professional online.  A few of them are Plushcare.com, Talkspace.com, and betterhelp.com.  These sites are paid.

4.  These are sites that I have not tried, but ran across in my research:  http://www.anxietysocialnet.com/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/,  and https://iocdf.org/.  These sites are free.

5.  The last one I discovered was a site run by the CDC.  It has some pretty great resources and is free: https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/tools-resources/index.htm.

If you are struggling with any mental health issues, I hope that you will find yourself an amazing therapist and/or group that you trust as that has been the best healing strategy for me thus far.  If you are experiencing suicide ideation, please call a suicide hotline in your area or the National Suicide Hotline number at 1-800-273-8255.


Finally I would like to leave you with a mantra that has really helped me get out of bed in the morning, “Just show up”, and a favorite observation, “My life is like pieces of a broken mirror laying all over the floor; if I work on putting them back together, I will be able to look at myself and understand.”


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

BEAUTIFUL ALL DAY

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller

The following is a poem, sapphic in nature, that I wrote yesterday.  I post it here as a sample of the plethora of poems ready for you to peruse...just click on the "POETRY...SAPHHIC SONNETS" tab above.  I hope you enjoy what you find and find what you enjoy.
Beautiful All Day
©July 25, 2019 – Kimberly D. Miller

Beauty…subjective force, but I find you beautiful all day, of course.

Loving…as well as you can, you long for a woman, but live with a man.

Truth…a harsh, hard fact, your truth is your lie your lie is your pact.

Open…awakened by force, our paths were asea and now are on course.

Heartened…a muse by my side, you’re here for the present you’re here for the ride.

Lightened…spontaneous whims, we give to each other our entangled limbs.

Partner…a woman refined, I call you friend, I call you mine. 


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.