Monday, October 20, 2014

DEPRESSION IS ATTENTION…

Ever been depressed for any length of time?  I mean sure, we’ve all been depressed from time to time for various reasons when life hands us the proverbial bag of lemons, but what about those of us who suffer from disorders laced with depression or the actual disease of depression itself?  For us depression can often be a constant.  As I have evolved through my seasons of life I have constantly fought to find the positive, eliminate the negative and some days fight as hard as I possible could just to get up and greet the day, but since I moved to a new state and made a very positive life change, delved deeper into my faith and spirituality and let go of the reins of control, I have noticed that the depression I generally endure with my various disorders, has greatly subsided.  True it has not fast-become a non-existent issue and, due to my genetics probably never will, but definitely much improvement.

Why then the topic at all?  Well, today I was down at the bottom of the black pit again, where I  so hate to be, wondering WTF???  Especially with things finally going my way.  Then I noticed something, and it may be the reason a lot of people tend not to get the help they need for this disease. I think I felt that the attention I attracted when I was depressed was just that, attention that I needed.   When I was depressed my friends would call to check on me to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything stupid to myself or anyone else and they knew I was fragile and lonely.  I would attempt suicide but c’mon let’s face it, if I had wanted to kill myself I would be dead right now.  “Attempted” suicide is one of the all time great attention seekers and cries for help there is.  My ex was great at it, and in the end, finally mastered it. 

Now that I have removed myself from the situations I was in that were the root of my unhappiness, i.e. the place I was living, the debt, the destructive people, etc., I now find attention in much more positive ways.  This past weekend for example, I attended a local art class and met new people; I went to the casino down the hill and saw The Spinners perform live (so awesome) and I met up with my friend Trish and her boyfriend who showed me a great time as we conquered the monster Oregon dunes…such awesome thrill-seeking…I loved it:10731018_10204345720075357_6530492037582860756_n

I put this out there for those of you who are trapped in that horrible, sick pattern of staying down because it is what you are used to.  I know medication isn’t always the answer because I am the first one to tell you I won’t go on any of it, but if you just find the positive things in life, little by little, day by day and moment by moment, you can kick its ass!  It won’t be instant.  Life is not like instant mashed potatoes where you just add water.  It will take time and it will take understanding on your part…understanding of your innermost workings and getting to know yourself and how you tick.  Tell yourself you don’t need to be sick to command attention in your life because you don’t.  You CAN turn it around if you find the strength within your soul.  Fight with the talk in your head…the voice that says things like, “I’m having a bad day,” or “I screwed that up.”  You need to answer that voice back immediately with, “…You’re not having a bad day, it’s a great day but you had to deal with something that didn’t make you happy for that one particular moment.  The next moment will be better,” or “No, you didn’t screw that up, it could have turned out worse but it didn’t and it isn’t anything that cannot be rectified.”  That destructive, negative self-talk is learned as you grow up and/or as you age and it can be unlearned as well.  Be conscious of your thoughts.  Write them down if need be and read them back each day to see areas where you can turn the thoughts and opinions of yourself around.  Make a list with two columns..one column titled “negative thoughts I had”…the other titled, “positive alternative thoughts,” i.e. the thoughts you could use to replace those negative ones.  These exercises will get you out of your head so you can see a pattern and change it. 

I hope you will try to eliminate your negatives because life is a gift and it is so short.  What a waste not to dive in head first and experience all its joy.  Remember, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Friday, October 17, 2014

NURTURE WITH NATURE!!!

As we journey through life, feeling our way blindly each day with a proverbial white cane, we have so many obstacles to cross, much like an athletic high jump.  We can choose to trek this journey in several ways, i.e., we can live in the past, ultimately experiencing utter depression and regret; we can live in the future where we are sure to experience nothing but total frustration and stress; or we can exercise the one guarantee that God has given us…we can live in the here and the now.  If we are fortunate to wake up each morning, then we have been gracefully granted another day to experience life…to wipe the slate clean from the previous day and start anew, creating the day we wish for.  Now, while you may not think that you have any control over how your day turns out…think again.  You are the one orchestrating the tone and the outcome.  If you choose to live in the moment and for the day, you can choose to make time for a walk, one in which you smell the flowers, look up at the sky, feel the breeze on your skin and listen to birds and other beautiful nature sounds.  What’s that?  No time for a walk?  Really?  Wow, I used to think that way also, but then I realized, there are 24 hours in each day we are given so yes, you CAN make time, but it is up to you to kill off the excuses you make and start putting more importance on the beautiful things in life and way less importance on whether the bills or paid or the house is clean or a job whose only purpose is to make sure the bills are paid.  What a vicious cycle society puts us in.  Then we go home telling ourselves how tired we are and that there is no time for a walk because we want to sit and watch t.v. or veg on facebook while eating junk food and other processed foods which nurse the toxins building up in our bodies, minds and souls…just like society has planned for us…next stop? probably cancer…if not physical cancer, then definitely mental and spiritual which are just as debilitatingly devastating if not more so.  Lately I have been walking 3 to 5 miles each morning and not just for exercising my physical body, but for exercising my five senses and my soul.  If you live in the negative your life will produce negative results.  If you live in the positive your life will produce positive results.  There is no such thing as perfection (that so many of us strive for) and there we are not built to have happiness 24/7, but what we can do is to take stock of the things that occur each day, all the little triumphs and happy moments and make those count for more than the bad stuff.  In this way you can achieve happiness every day.  Journaling and writing about the glass being half full as you recall your day can have a huge and positive influence and effect on you and the tone you set. 

I have also been diving back head-first into my art, my writing and my poetry, which for me is a huge and important way I need to nurture.  Below I have displayed some of my work.  I ask that these not be re-posted anywhere out of respect for my copyright and I thank you for that:

CHANGE

By

Kimberly D Miller

(c) 10-2014

Change is life, life is change;

Our situations rearrange;

First we're here, then we're there,

We must accept it everywhere;

Time and tide are constant spans;

Life just happens, don't make plans;

Control's an illusion to ease the mind;

No map to follow, will you find;

Walk the path you’re meant to tread;

Not ever a second should you dread;

We are here, no matter the test;

To pass them all by doing our best.

My photography is a huge part of who I am and now, so is walking on the beach.  I love writing messages in the sand and leaving them for whoever comes along and is meant to read them before they fade.20140929_155022

This is a picture of a notebook I bought but I love the art and the message.

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These beautiful, giant evergreens make me feel like the small and insignificant cog I am in the grand scheme of things and I like that…it’s good to realize that the world does not revolve around us and that we share this planet with so many living things.

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We have a mama and baby who have taken to hanging out in the back yard all day every day.  They don’t even flinch when you go out to talk to them.  They just prop those ears up and listen.

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This is one type of art that I am getting back into…this is a greeting card that I made and inside is another flap that contains more art.

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Awhile back a very good, artistic friend of mine who resides in Ohio, introduced me to Zentangles.  This is basically a form of art in which you do elaborate doodles and while you are working on them the “zen” or the relaxation of creating them sets in.  I am now doing them on canvases instead of paper and incorporating some of the paper into the canvases.  Very fun.

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This is the cover of a book using gel medium to imbed metal bars into a cutout over the top of a picture.

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I used the lid of a box to create this fall piece.

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This is a bad picture but it shows how I used wooden letters, painted them and decoupaged them to create a beach theme in honor of my dream of living on the coast once again, coming true.20141017_124431

More Zentangles

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This is my first watercolor in a long time.  It is not finished by far, but I wanted to show you that I am headed back into all forms. (picture is a bit blurry).

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Thursday, October 9, 2014

LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH!!!


LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH!!

As I sat, pondering the meaning of things whilst waiting for my pizza order today, I remembered the Crosby, Stills and Nash song, “Love the One You’re With.”  Struggling to remember the lyrics, I had to immediately consult the internet when I returned home in a hurry to find them.  There was something about these lyrics, even though I couldn’t remember all of them at that moment, that was gnawing at my gut.  It was as though I knew they were the very words I needed to finally express what I have been going through these past few months (plus the music rocks). While I realize the song had a bit of a different meaning when it was written, i.e., if your loved one is not around you should love whoever is with you at the time, sort of living in the moment, plus it was the 60’s - a time of sexual freedom and social closeness (pre-cell phones and electronics), I thought, hey this is what I have been going through but in the sense of self-discovery and self-love and acceptance.  


I never knew myself or loved or appreciated myself as much as I do now due to so much growth this past year, and I thought how cool it would be if I changed the lyrics (and only a handful at that) to reflect an ego-centered point of view and what that would sound like. So, having recently gotten rid of my fake nails in order to play the guitar again (just another part of me I’ve suppressed for such a long time), I came up with the following version (and added a few commentary notes for the purpose of this post which I did not use in the song:


If you're down and confused

And you don't remember who you're talking to,
Concentration slips away
Cause you're mind is far away

Well there's a rose in the fisted glove  (I love this image of a hand in a glove making a tight, angry fist which has a beautiful rose wrapped up inside of it knowing that the beauty of the rose would glisten if only the anger in that fist were to release)

And the eagle flies with the dove (another great image of a large, majestic class of bird flying next to the small, common female pigeon)
And if you can't be with the one you love honey (and even when you can)
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with, (Because you are always with yourself)
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with.

Don't be angry, don't be sad

Don't sit crying over good times you've had (just leave the past in the past)
There's a person inside of you
Who’s just waiting for something to do

Well there's a rose in the fisted glove 

And the eagle flies with the dove 
And if you can't be with the one you love honey 
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with, 
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with.

Turn your heartache upside down

Cause you can turn it all around
Get it together so you will know
Find yourself and you will glow

Well there's a rose in the fisted glove 

And the eagle flies with the dove 
And if you can't be with the one you love honey 
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with, 
Love the one you're with, Love the one you're with.

My hope for everyone who reads this post, especially those of you in co-dependent relationships or with co-dependent tendencies, I hope you will realize that loving yourself and putting yourself first will not only guarantee your happiness, but it will make everything else in your life fall right into place exactly where it should be...no worries, no regrets. I think when we exhibit the fact that we respect ourselves, we automatically command respect from other people as well. 


RESPECT YOURSELF ~ RESPECT YOUR JOURNEY


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

THANKS FOR BEING IN MY CORNER…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…

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Has it ever seemed to you that the nicer you are to people and the more you try to help them, that you end up being the one who is used and abused, lied about, lied to, shit on and thrown out like yesterday’s trash?  I have to say that unfortunately, that has been my experience 9 times out of 10. 

Recently however, through all of the latest turmoil and bumpy rides, I have been blessed with those few people in my life who actually care about me and who I am, rather than what I can or will do for them.  To those people I am so grateful I cannot express my gratitude. 

I now live in a new state, in new surroundings with infinite new possibilities for a new and positive life with a happy ending to each day.  I thank God for the strength to get through all of this, but I owe much of my thanks to those of you who stood behind me, didn’t judge me and only offered support and kind words.  You know who you are and I love you for it.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

HEADED NORTH...

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous this past week.  I have been wearing a tank top, sandals and no coat.  Today I ventured North, further up the coast and got to see the world's largest sea cave which, in the winter months, houses hundreds of sea lions.  Not only did I get to see such a gorgeous place, but I also conquered (this time anyway) my claustrophobia in order to take the elevator down into the cave...the only way down.  I took a leap of faith, went inside and made it up and down without panic.  I had to really talk to myself about relaxing, especially since I knew I was in a small, enclosed box that was gliding down in solid rock, but I DID IT!  Behold the power of positive thinking and faith.  It was so worth it and a personal triumph.  I also went to the Umpqua River Lighthouse and then up through Reedsport and Florence to the Haceta Head Lighthouse.  Below are more pictures of my adventures.







































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