Well, here I am in the winter of my life (over age 60), never really having had an inkling of who I am, always remaining a constant enigma to myself and finally getting the correct diagnosis. Whew! That was a long haul!
As I entered into my 60's a few years ago, I finally found the most amazing therapist, one who actually listened to me and really helped me advance my search on finding myself. All of my life I have been misdiagnosed (BPD, Bipolar, Depression Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, etc.) and/or underdiagnosed and therefore have never received the coping skills I actually needed to succeed in life. It all makes sense now...I have Asperger's Syndrome and, because it was undiagnosed my entire life, CPTSD on top of that. Well, better late than never. This revelation bathed me in relief and hope and, as the therapy sessions have progressed, has put me on the path to understanding ways in which I can make sense of society and how best to navigate a life within it.
Life for me thus far has been a harsh environment. With two suicide attempts under my belt and a life of being bullied, raped, belittled, beaten, tormented, traumatized, taken advantage of, and extremely misunderstood, I never felt like I belonged on this earth. Everyone has always made the following comments when I have any reaction to what they are saying: "You're SO sensitive," "Are you crying AGAIN?" "When are you going to grow up?" "I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you (my least favorite)," "What's wrong with you NOW?" "You are so thin-skinned," "Why are you such a loner?" "People don't understand you," "Why can't you be like everybody else?" Yeah, these types of comments do not make for real self-esteem boosters.
I have been prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, anti-psychotics, and the list goes on, none of which ever helped and most of which only caused severe side-effects, hence my aversion to further prescription meds, for any health reason.
The only way I have made it is this far (several diagnosticians were amazed that I have) is due to masking. Masking is another term for faking it until you make it. I learned that in order to make it in society and then raise my son alone, I had to "be" someone who knows social graces. I accomplished this by watching a LOT of television and movies and mimicking what I observed in them. To this day one of my super powers is quoting movies and TV. lines. Whenever I would encounter a situation I did not fully understand, I would revert back through my library of content (in my head) and remember for example, that when you have a conversation with someone, you turn your head to them and face them during the chat. To this day I still cannot look someone directly in the eye as it makes me SO uncomfortable, but I did learn to look at the tip of their nose and...it works.
The other coping skill I taught myself, albeit not a good one, before my son was born, was running. When things got to be too much within the life-bubble I had created where I was living, I would pick up and move to another state, another city, where no one knew me and I could start over, creating a new version of myself. I was later taught by my therapist that this is not the best coping skill because wherever you go, there you are...lol. I still get the urge to just run when things aren't going well, but I'm working on it. It is so hard for me to try to "work things out" where I am as I was never taught how. I don't understand people...all people, so I have no clue as to how to deal with them. My experience with them is that they lie, cheat, take advantage, and hurt me around every corner, so my attitude has always been, why bother? I am finally learning to trust two friends I now have and even then, the road thus far has been a bit rocky.
I am still learning about myself every day and how this Asperger's Syndrome affects my day-to-day existence, but I finally found the right path.
If you have had a life
like mine or find similarities in our stories, please see a licensed therapist
and/or go in for testing. Believe me; the right diagnosis will absolutely
save your life.
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