IT'S BLACK OR WHITE...IT'S ALL OR NOTHING...IT'S B.P.D...

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller - 4/23/18

IT'S BLACK OR WHITE...IT'S ALL OR NOTHING...IT'S B.P.D...

Over the course of the last two decades (okay, maybe a few extra years as well), I have been diagnosed a few times by various counseling-type people, as having Borderline Personality Disorder. Is this an illness? Most say yes...I say no...it is a severe form of dis- “ease,” especially since anxiety is a prominent symptom and one in and of itself which deprives one of ease.

How is it that you are going along in life, thinking everything is great and then you realize that, not only are you not like everyone else around you, but you are so far removed that you are in a whole other category of uniqueness and “weirdness.” You find that you want so badly for a relationship to work and for it to be a healthy relationship with the woman of your dreams (for me at least, for you it could be a man), and every time you try, you sabotage it because no people on this planet exist who can understand you and your dis- “ease.” There is no one strong enough or willing enough to hang in there through all of the tough times and the scary times and who refuse to be pushed away because let's face it, people with borderline personality disorder can push hard and long when we are scared and heavily involved in our splitting (a term which can be found in the article below).

I found a blog called TheMighty, and in it there are many, wonderful, informative articles on BPD. I happened upon a particular article submitted by Rachel Sloan entitled, “TheLoneliness of Living With Borderline Personality Disorder.” This article answered so many of my questions about myself and why I can't have a relationship. I have put a link above in the title to take you to the main article, but I also wanted to share the following excerpt:

“How do you explain to someone the burning feeling of emptiness in your stomach, swimming through your veins, breaking you down from the inside? How do you explain the lack of emotional permanence or the effort it takes to overcome the constant fear that everyone you know and love wishes you were dead? How do you explain that, despite the positive people and events in my life, I spend most of my time fighting the urge to self-destruct or disappear? Most days, I can’t even really explain it to myself.”

I long for ease in my relationships. I long for ease in my career, in my family and friends and in my life's entirety. I want to experience, at least one time before I leave this earth, what it is like to have a healthy, 50/50 relationship with the woman of my dreams and have it work for more than just a couple of months or years. I want to know what it is to have a firm partner, one who cannot be shaken and will never leave, even if in the beginning, I do all the pushing...someone who wants to know me and makes every effort to get me. I also want to want to do that for her. I want us to be so connected in a way that we never have been or will be again with anyone else. I want to have close, close friends who get this side of me and say, “It's okay, it's just who you are and we love you and will always be here.” If I were a believer in bucket lists, this is all that would be on mine.

If you have never felt your whole life like you fit in anywhere and everywhere, like there is not another person on this planet who understands you or ever will, like you can't stand yourself most times because your moods shift all over the place in the space of ten minutes and you don't understand balance and middle ground, or that you can't finish projects you start, or that you overreact to situations and are highly sensitive, please take the time to get diagnosed by a professional mental healthcare provider...one that you trust. Knowing what you are dealing with is the first step to finding a path to actually live your life and know real happiness.

My wish for you is that you find your ease.

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