Love is tough at best, except in those rare occasions when it is absolutely right. We cannot help who we love, we’re not supposed to. This brings to mind being in love with two people at the same time. I was still living in Point Arena and in a relationship. The problem was that I had been head-over-heels in love with a man I met when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s. We had instant chemistry and my thoughts obsessed over him…and the feeling was mutual. Through the years we both had relationships with other people, but no relationship could compare with what I felt for him. I think that is why neither of our relationships worked out because our timing was always off and no other person could ignite even the smallest spark to compare to the fire we had between us. It was as though we didn’t really love the people we were with, well not in the same way we loved each other, even though we thought we did. Most times those loves were no more than friendships, faking our way through the motions. At the time we met, we didn’t do anything about it because I was too young and he was in a relationship. In fact, it wasn’t until many years later that we ever hooked up and dated, etc. But at that time another problem arose. Now that he was free and I was almost free, he scared the shit out of me. Not him, in particular, but what he represented. He represented a love and a passion I had never known and its intensity was so powerful, not to mention the promise of stability, and we were so right for each other that it threatened to take me out of the sick pattern in which I was living with my son’s father. This is a sick pattern I clung to because sick relationships were all I had ever known since the rape. I had never had a healthy relationship before. It is a shame that my head was so messed up back then or I would have followed him when he moved away, an offer he made to me just before he left. I could have had a healthy relationship for once and really known what it was to love and be loved and respected and accepted for who I was. He was so good with my son as well. It crushed my world when he passed away.
They say that hindsight is 20/20…I say amen to that. My message here is that you should always be true to your feelings. Those feelings are messages being sent to you from above, to get you on the path you are meant to live for the purpose you are meant to serve. You may be in one of these situations now, but make excuses like, “I don’t know if it will work,” or “I’m scared to take the risk,” or “It’s too late,” or “I’m trying to keep our (dysfunctional) family together for the sake of the kids (like my parents did), but believe me, kids don’t want to live in an environment where there is tension and arguing all the time. I can tell you from experience that my brothers and I were always tied in knots because we could hear and feel the crap between my parents and always wished they would separate. Brice felt it between Steve and I and he was miserable during those times, and he was only 4.
It’s all about risk and blind faith. There are miracles around every corner, all you have to do is listen and look for them. I am patiently awaiting my miracle and I know that that is what is required of me right now…patience and waiting…two things I suck at…LMAO. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit at home while I’m waiting. I’m going out and live life to the fullest. When my miracle finally comes to fruition, I will drop all I’m doing at the time and grab onto it with a death grip because…I’m not letting this one get away.