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Sunday, August 17, 2008


Some of us are so busy in life we forget to take note of the smaller, seemingly less significant moments in life, but nonetheless moments which are all too important to stride right over the top of. Driving home the other day from, what felt like, another dull day at the office, I started to realize that I was living this unhealthy pattern of driving straight home after work and doing the same thing every day. BORING. I turned the truck around and drove myself to the theater for my sixth viewing of Mamma Mia. I did it on a weeknight, a night in which I knew I had to get ready for work the next day, and I didn't care. As I drove home, joyfully and loudly belting out the Abba soundtrack to the movie, I rolled all the windows down in the truck, let my hair blow all over the place, and let my left arm surf the air currents outside the window. The air was full of moisture and permeated my nose with the smell of oncoming rain. Stars peeked out from around the clouds when they could, and I sang as full and boisterous as I could, never giving care to those around me when I sat at a stop light. It was a short, but leisurely 10 minute drive home, but probably the best one I've had in so many years I couldn't tell you.

These are the moments, the little things that we take for granted. I see them in my photography and can capture them, but on a subconscious plane - not because I realized they were even there.

There is a line from a movie called, "The Color Purple" with Whoopi Goldberg, in which a woman says as they stroll through a field of purple flowers, "I think it pisses God off if we walk through a field with the color purple, and don't even notice." I've always loved that line, and I doubt if I quoted it verbatim, but it makes me think about how absolutely beautiful it is to be alive, to be able to feel and touch, to see and hear and smell and taste all of the things around us. Life does not always feel like it's a good thing because we just have days when it's hard and we don't see beyond our little caged-in daily lives, but if you really give that caged-in life the value it deserves, and look outside of bars, you will see that life is SO much more than work and school and kids and home and bills, because that part can be so stressful. I want more from life, and the more priority I give to finding and enjoying the important moments in life, the more clarity and satisfaction I find in my soul.

Whatever this odd search is that is going on inside of me lately, it has brought into light some clear retrospection and the opportunity to get to know who I am inside of this host body. I strive to leave a mark on the world, a sort of "I was here", if you will. I am attempting this with the three books I have written in trying to get them published. I have published some poems, some of my photography and some articles, but not on the scale that I desire.

The most important thing I have realized lately, is that it's okay to have dreams and lusts and desires. To want more for myself to fulfill myself in ways that I have always denied myself. I no longer wish to be the uptight single mom who struggles to make ends meet. If ends don't meet, then there will be something else around the corner. It's time to let go. I've put myself on a list for caretaker jobs to be able to see the nation and the world and live in many different places meeting many different people. I know now that this is what I want, what I need, what I have to have for total fulfillment.

If I had any money at all, I would be on the next plane to the UK or Ireland or Greece. Material possessions no longer merit concern with me, which is a HUGE growth spurt in my life.

An artist's soul is curious and longs to express and create and travel to soak up knowledge. Denying these needs has only brought a sense of poison into my life. No more.

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