FIGHTING THE URGE

Have you ever felt those weird urges in life, you know, the kind where you know it would be wrong to act on them, but you just can't help thinking about? You want to do it so badly, that you literally have to fight the urge?

I've really been thinking about that lately because everything in my life is going wrong. I don't just mean one or two things, I mean everything!!!! I was at work the other day, a job which I won't have much longer, and my boss was getting very testy and kind of getting on my case. At that moment, I had the urge to slap him across the face as hard as I could. Now, rationally, I know I could never act on this, but I really had to restrain myself from just doing it. Mind you, he is 75, so this could have hurt him and knocked him down as well. I am not generally a mean-spirited person, but I think we all get these instinctive human urges - or should I say animalistic urges, to just act out and not hold back.
I remember another time, quite recently, when my friend and I were having lunch together. She was sitting rather close to me and when I looked up at one point, the stem of her water glass was almost in my eye. I had to hold my hand down because I wanted so badly to put my finger under the stem while she was drinking and lift it up so all the water would run down the front of her. What an impish thought. I chuckled a little and as she set her glass safely back down on the table, she asked me what I was laughing at. I actually told her what I was thinking and she laughed right along with me, stating that she always had urges like that.

What about the urge to jump off of a high place without a parachute or hang glider? Okay, that's a bit suicidal, but I remember feeling that one once when I was really down.

How about the urge to trip someone as they walk past you, or to belt out a song in a public place at the most inappropriate time (I have that one a lot).

As I progress in age, both physically and spiritually, I realize how little I care what others think about me and how the need to be totally and unabashedly happy has gone from a desire to an obsessive necessity. I don't want to have just happy moments here and there, because in my life they come all too seldom. I want to feel happiness in the depths of my soul and see the beauty in everything life has to offer. I'm working on these things, but patience is something I was born without. You're supposed to gain patience with age, but I don't find that to be true. In the meantime, I find solace in capturing beauty with my camera and in my art. The sad thing is that lately I haven't been able to do any art because of my moodiness. Hopefully that will change and time marches on.

Look out Graham Ettridge - I may be knocking on your door in Wiltshire England soon, taking you out for a night at the pub and some Irish "crack" (not sure they call it that where you live, but I've always loved how the Irish make use of a word that in my country means an incredibly hard drug - lol.)