"I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope, with any thing, if you see the wonder of a fairytale, you can take the future, even if you fail, I believe in angels, something good in everything I see, I believe in angels, even though the time is right for me- I cross the stream, I have a dream."This is an Abba song, whose lyrics have never held more true to my life than now. The instruments are Greek and beautiful. The melody melds into your sole and wraps its message into your heart and mind. I DO have a dream. I WILL live it. This song is my inspiration as of late, and my reason for pushing on. It is helping me get through all of the really large piles of crap that have been heaping up in my life lately, like finding out yesterday that my mom has three masses on her lungs, full on lung cancer, and I can't be there the day of her surgery because I have to be in Tucson to train for a new job, which, if I don't go and I lose out on the job, I lose the roof over my son's head. I am stuck between right and wrong, a rock and a hard place and a tough call to make. Mom is very angry with me, so the pangs of her frustration, anger, and fear are all being directed at me, which I fully expected as I am the oldest child and the one who tries to handle everything.. My brother, next on the sibling ladder, is going to be there on Tuesday for her surgery and hopefully keep me posted, at least I hope he will. I've always been the black sheep, if you will, the family bastard at the picnic--you know the type. I've always chosen to be different from the rest of the family, which I guess is why I constantly hear them all say, "we don't understand you." Maybe that goes with having the soul of an artiste -- a nomad--a free spirit in a family of Virgos --tied to the earth, holding everything inside.
Well, that aside, I am going to really enjoy being gone for two weeks by myself where, in my hotel room, I will not be a mom, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a confidante, a problem solver, or a pet-pooper-scooper. I'll just be me, which, let me tell you, I am totally looking forward to.
I'll be taking my computer with me and fingers crossed, if they have Wi-Fi there, will be posting. Have a great week everyone.
1 comment:
Kim, I am really sorry to hear about your mom. Even sorrier to hear what a lousy position you are in to have to choose between a job and being there for a major health moment in your mom's life. Take a deep breath, know that God is watching, and holding your hand, then enjoy that two weeks of being "just Kim". Here is a little Bible verse I held to very tightly a few years back when our life seemed to be careening out of control:
The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful..." ~Jeremiah 31:3-4
Just know that someday, though it may not feel like it now, you WILL get up and dance with the joyful again.
Love you!
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