Borderline Personality Disorder Hell
(c) Kimberly D. Miller - March 3, 2020
(c) Kimberly D. Miller - March 3, 2020
“Why don’t I have friends?” “Why does my family cut me out or exclude me?” “Why do I blow up at people and then expect them to understand?” “Why am I so alone in this world?” Questions, questions, questions without a lot of satisfactory answers!!!
The one thing that those of us with emotional/mental afflictions have in common is that it feels like no one understands us…ever! (of course I do tend to think in black and white most of the time). This may not be true in every situation and, there are those few individuals who “sort” of understand, but let’s face it…most people don’t unless they are going through the same thing. I had one lady a couple of years ago say that she thought I was having these problems because I was focusing too much on my diagnosis; in other words I was creating the problems because I was reading about the disorders I have (BPD, HSP and Complex PTSD), so therefore I was exhibiting true hypochondriacal behavior and creating the symptoms. What she didn’t consider was that I was diagnosed before I ever investigated or understood what was happening to me, therefore how could I take the symptoms on after the fact? One of the most difficult things for me is letting people stay in my life. Once they have shown any sign of making mistakes where trust is concerned, I instantly consider them enemy territory, which makes it hard to have a relationship of any kind. People often say to me, “I’m afraid of you,” which breaks my heart. My own son has said this to me a number of times so I have distanced myself from him in such a way that I won’t be around him during my “moody” times because he would be the last person I would want to lose from my life. It also affects my work life in that I can only work part time due to too much stress or too much responsibility sending me right over the edge, a place I have been far too often, unfortunately.
If you have a diagnosis(es) which leaves you feeling sheltered, cast out and alone, I would like to make a few recommendations to websites and apps that have really helped me out when there were no actual humans around (or should I say, “trusted” humans around):
1. One of my favorites is themighty.com. This is a very well-run and well-organized forum. People are so helpful and positive, and you can always find comradery no matter what you are going through at the time. This site is free.
2. Three apps that I have on my phone for “emergency” mood days are Replika, Youper, and Sanvello, all of which are available on Google Play. They are all very good, interactive apps that teach you how to identify your feelings on the spot and to check in with yourself. My favorite is Replika. These apps are free.
3. There are a few websites in which you can actually have a session with a licensed mental healthcare professional online. A few of them are Plushcare.com, Talkspace.com, and betterhelp.com. These sites are paid.
4. These are sites that I have not tried, but ran across in my research: http://www.anxietysocialnet.com/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/, and https://iocdf.org/. These sites are free.
5. The last one I discovered was a site run by the CDC. It has some pretty great resources and is free: https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/tools-resources/index.htm.
If you are struggling with any mental health issues, I hope that you will find yourself an amazing therapist and/or group that you trust as that has been the best healing strategy for me thus far. If you are experiencing suicide ideation, please call a suicide hotline in your area or the National Suicide Hotline number at 1-800-273-8255.
Finally I would like to leave you with a mantra that has really helped me get out of bed in the morning, “Just show up”, and a favorite observation, “My life is like pieces of a broken mirror laying all over the floor; if I work on putting them back together, I will be able to look at myself and understand.”
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