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Saturday, February 15, 2014

EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS

EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS…

I love the expression…”One day at a time,” however someone like me still needs that narrowed down to, “One second at a time,” because with OCD (not to mention the other three mental disorders), If I know I have a whole day to plan, then I very much want to plan it.  At least with a one-second-at-a-time view of the world, it is very difficult for me to plan each second and build up expectations for those seconds and/or be let down if those plans fail.

Expectations suck!  I mean, there isn’t a better way to put it…they bite the big weenie!  Where does it come from, this obsession to expect things from people?  I wish I could expect nothing from people and then I would always be pleasantly surprised if the outcome were to my liking or in some way benefitted me or a part of my life in a positive way.  How do I learn not to expect things from those I trust.  I think I first have to realize that I tend to put people I really love high up on a pedestal, at which time those people then do not seem human anymore; they are more like superheroes at this point.  The top of this pedestal is a dangerous place to be.  Not only does this person now have to prove they belong up there, but they have to appear to be superhuman as well.  The worst part?  The person has no idea any of this is happening.  It’s only visible and apparent through my twisted and warped mind so, when they fail to treat me like a pedestal person ought to treat me, then I take it out on them, the whole time they are shaking their head, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, wondering, “What the fuck?”  I would love some advice, no that’s not the right word…training, that’s the word, on how to find patience in one’s self and how to let people just be people without having to put them up on that cold, drafty, imbalanced pedestal.


I hadn’t realized it until recently, but I put my best friend, whose initials are P.A.L. (no, seriously), up on one of those and it’s driven him mad.  Well, technically he is actually already mad, but I think I’m wearing him out.   He said to me the other day that I was trying to create or live in a bubble.  Not sure where he was going with that but then it dawned on me that maybe he is saying that I need to pop the bubble and find other friends and seek new situations and experiences besides just work and his family, which he has so graciously been sharing with me.  He’s right, but given the strength I lost over the holidays it is just taking me such a long time this time to get back to being me.  His patience, despite his own problems and worries, has been a warm, fuzzy blanket for me this winter, which I wouldn’t have made it through without his love and support.  However, he IS the one I expect things from, but he probably doesn’t know it.  I now have to adjust this poisonous pattern and learn not to expect anything from him, or anyone else including myself, and hope that it isn’t too late for him to come back around.  I need to be high up in the stands supporting him, helping him, being there to listen, picking him up if he falls, keeping his secrets, lifting his spirits when he needs lifted, and loving him unconditionally with no judgment.  Normally I would expect him to do the same for me, but therein lies the problem, EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS.

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