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Saturday, December 19, 2009

FLOUNDERING

Have you ever heard people who are missing a limb comment that they can still feel it? Like it's still there and sometimes it itches or tingles? I have decided that that is the best way to describe the way I feel right now. My mother's battle with cancer came to an end last week. Guess who won! So much a part of my everyday life involved either calling her, going by her house, having her over to spend the night and/or going on trips together. Now that she is gone it's as though I can still feel here there.

I started to go to her house the other day and I've picked up the phone twice to call her. While I am sure that my behavior is quite within the norm, it feels quite abnormal. I am floundering all over the place, wondering day to day where I should be, who I can talk to and what I'm going to do without my best friend in my life.

I just realized how grateful I am that I write. It is the one area of my life that gives me clarity. No matter what I am going through or how confused I ever become, I know that by writing about it or writing one of my books or poems, I can figure out how to get through it. It isn't so much that I get an epiphany, but rather more of a clarity, a mirror, if you will, looking at myself from another angle.

I often wonder if I appreciate everything I have.
Though the dark clouds of foreclosure loom over our heads like an evil poltergeist, wreaking havoc and fear, I can still see that I have a LOT materialistically, but I have even more spiritually, in my son and myself. If only I appreciated myself to the fullest I think I would get more out of life. To finally trust myself and let myself be free enough to have fun wherever and whenever. I think that is the direction I am finally headed in this stage of my life and it's about time. I am so blessed by the love of my son and the fact that he is such a great person. In retrospect, I am really quite wealthy, I just don't have any money. (See? Writing helps).

To find a solution to this floundering would be a welcome comfort, and I realize in time I will do so, but right now I have no idea what path to wander down. I am open for suggestions if anyone has them to offer.




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