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Saturday, November 14, 2009

MEMORY LANE

I feel that my recent posts are all about sad moments and hard times, but, unfortunately, and in an odd way fortunately, these are the days of my life as of recent.

If you read my last post you know that my mother has been fighting cancer for over a year now and has recently come to a fork in the road where her treatment is concerned. She has run out of conventional western medicine options, i.e. radiation and chemotherapy, and has finally agreed to, what I feel is a more hopeful and realistic approach ~ the naturopathic approach.

Having no means to hire a private nurse, my brothers and I have been staying with my mother 'round the clock as she is very weak and has also just suffered a mild stroke. Although attempting to keep a job, spend time with my son and run two households has proven a bit on the challenging side, taking care of my mother has nonetheless, brought back memories that I thought were dead and gone. Just yesterday as I lay on the bed next to my mother. I began to reminisce about a time when I was 5 or 6...I made sure that wherever my mom went, there I was...on the couch, on the phone, in the bathroom, cooking dinner, and when company came over, being the shy child I was, wrapped around her leg while she smoked and chatted with her friends at the kitchen table. I've been reflecting on the birthday parties, Christmases and holiday meals, all of which were put together with such love that you felt so special to have a mother who went to such lengths to please those around her.

As the years passed (and quite rapidly might I add), my brothers and I obtained lives of our own...busy lives, much like the trend in today's society dictates we should live. We've stayed close in an "obligatory" manner, but the actual sibling comradery we shared seems to have dwindled through the years, except when we are all together with our mother. Lately I've recalled memories of the three of us skateboarding down the driveway and local streets, riding our mini-bike through the fields, and making up fun things to do in the big pile of dirt at the side of our house. We took long walks with the dog in tow, through the redwood forest on the other side of the street. We had picnics on the beach and shared secrets with each other.

I am so happy that these memories have been flooding my brain as of late, and yet so curious as to their purpose. Was I meant to take this trip down memory lane to better appreciate what my family is going through and maybe bring back some the innocence and love we shared in childhood? To make sure that my brothers and I remain a family unit in case of my mother's unfortunate passing? To appreciate all the good things we shared in life and not dwell to deeply on the hurt feelings and sad times one experiences through life? Maybe all of the above. It's as though I'm being told, "This is your life Kimber (a name my mother always calls me). Some restrictions may apply." It aint all good, but honey, it aint all bad either.

I get it now! Stop dwelling on the hurts of long ago. Stop being that angry little girl who couldn't let it all go, no matter what it was. We are shaped by the past, but the future is all that matters, and then only on a daily basis. Shape the future into what you want. Be happy ~ seriously ~ it's a choice and it's just that easy to make. You can choose to be sad, but you can equally choose to be happy and just enjoy everyone and everything around you. Stop taking things for granted. Stop working so much that you don't have time to spend with the family you made in the home you built together. Money is the driver, the root of all of today's evil, our economical plight, our lack of jobs and growth of homeless and hungry.

If nothing else, this trip down memory lane has taught me to open my eyes and really look up at life with childlike astonishment and wonder. If you get the chance, observe a child one day as he/she discovers new things in awe. We should never lose that!!!

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