Have you ever felt like you were going to explode inside? I don't mean from anger, I mean because you want something in your life so much, but something or someone is hindering your odds against obtaining it?I think that's what a mid life crisis is all about. We get to a point in life where we question the things we've done and the choices we've made that led us up the path to where we are now. Even if things are great, we question, always wondering about our existence and what our purpose is.
I'm not exactly sure that what I am going through is a mid life crisis, so much as it is a time filled with crisis (more than I've ever dealt with in my life). In some ways I feel more alive than I ever have, even though much of my dealings lately are pretty bad. Finding out that my mother has stage 4 cancer was the straw that broke the camel's back. So many people need me right now and this comes during a time when I'm questioning who I am (which I've never really done to this degree), and I'm not sure I have it within me to be there for everyone. My son and I keep passing the flu and the stomach flu back and forth (I'm down with the stomach flu again - on my first day on the new job) and we won't even go into what has happened in my financial life - but my point is - yes, I have a point - that through everything that is happening right now, I have never felt more alive and aware of everything around me. Maybe it's knowing that someone so close to you is going to die soon and you just realize how precious everything is. Our five senses are such a gift, as is a healthy body, and people and passion in our lives.
Wait a minute, if a mid life crisis truly comes during the middle part of your life, then I am destined to be 92 years old. Woo Hoo! I think it's more that pressure has built up from too many years of forced complacency and it's all about to blow. In some ways, I'm excited to see what happens when it blows. I've been emotionally letting go of all things material, because really, that's a silly place to put our values if you think about it.
It has been months now, and I am still feeling unsettled and ready to uproot and roam. I pray I will have the opportunity before long to just pick up and go, leaving the homestead behind, with only the bare necessities (food, camera - oh, and clothes).
The next few weeks, shall be interesting, to say the least.
1 comment:
Kimberly, whatever your dream is, I hope it comes true for you. I know exactly what you mean about the desire to travel... it is a feeling that I find quite intoxicating. A moment never goes past where I am not dreaming of the next destination... whether it be half way around the world or just over the next hill.
I do hope both your son and you feel better soon, and I am so sorry to hear about your mother. My thoughts are with you all.
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