HOW TO GET OUT OF THE HABIT OF JUDGING PEOPLE...

I have written a few posts about judging others but today, I stumbled upon a blog who shared such wisdom on the topic, with so many effective ways to learn to erase the judging habit within yourself, that I just had to share.  The one thing we need to learn, and it is the hardest lesson of all, is that judging others always and ultimately leads to harming ourselves in the process.  I still struggle with this bad habit, but have found a creative way to stop and check myself each day.  I set a reminder on my phone app and it goes off three times throughout a day and asks, "Are you judging?"  It helps me to stop and ask myself in that moment if I am currently judging or if I have been judging others earlier in the day.  It really shows you how much we judge practically everything and everyone on a daily basis.  Of course, not all judgments are bad ones but the good ones are called compliments :).

As I stared at the word "JUDGE" I had written on a piece of paper, I came up with the following acronym to help me realize what I was doing...it might be helpful for you as well:

Just

Understand...

Don't

Grant

Evaluation

The excerpt below is from an article entitled, "10 Quotes That Will Change The Way You See People Today," from the blog,  Marc & Angel Hack Life.  Click the link to read the full article, I think you will find it very helpful:

How to Get Out of the Habit of Judging People

One of the most incredible changes Angel and I have made in our lives, which has undoubtedly made us happier people and better friends to everyone we meet, is learning to let go of our tendency to judge others.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that we don’t ever make snap judgments about people; we all have a tendency to do so by default—it’s an innate human instinct.  I almost judged that woman on the boardwalk before I even spoke with her.  So, Angel and I are not the exception here.  But we have learned to catch ourselves.

And today, I challenge you to catch yourself, too.

First and foremost, you must bring awareness to the fact that you’re judging.  Doing so takes practice, but there are two crystal-clear signs to look for in yourself:

• You feel irritated, annoyed, angry or dismissive of someone
• You’re complaining or gossiping about someone

After you catch yourself judging, pause and take a deep breath.  Don’t berate yourself, but simply ask yourself a few questions:

• Why are you judging this person right now?
• What unnecessary or idealistic expectations do you have of this person?
• Can you put yourself in this person’s shoes?
• What might this person be going through?
• Can you learn more about their story?
• What’s something you can appreciate about this person right now?

Once you’ve done that, offer your kindness and compassion.  Perhaps they just need someone to hear them, someone to not judge them, someone to not control them, someone to be present without an agenda…

But in any case, remind yourself that you can’t help them at all from a position of judgment.  And you can’t help yourself either—because judging people all the time is stressful.

Quotes to Change How You See & Treat People

Since Angel and I intellectually understand why we shouldn’t judge people, but sometimes still forget when we’re in the heat of the moment, we’ve implemented a simple strategy that continuously reminds us NOT to judge (and to ask ourselves the questions listed above instead).

Anytime we’re heading into a social setting where we feel the itch of judgment stirring inside us, we read the quotes listed below (compiled from our book and blog archive) to ourselves before we leave the house or office.  Doing this on a regular basis over the years has gradually changed how we see and treat people from the get-go each day.  We still have to practice, of course, but our default tendency to judge others is diminishing more and more with each passing year.

To help you practice, I recommend storing or bookmarking this article in your smart phone or tablet, and then reading (and re-reading) the following quotes and the questions above whenever you catch yourself in a judgmental state of mind…

1. Everybody you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.  Know this.  You never know what someone has been through, or what they’re going through today.  Don’t be lazy and make empty judgments about them.  Be kind.  Ask about their stories.  Listen.  Be humble.  Be teachable.  Be a good neighbor.
2. Some people build lots of walls in their lives and not enough bridges.  Don’t be one of them.  Open yourself up.  Take small chances on people.  Let them shift your perspective.  We all take different roads seeking fulfillment, joy, and peace.  Just because someone is traveling a different road, doesn’t mean they’re lost or going the wrong way.
3. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is.  Remember this, and communicate accordingly.
4. The single greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.  Too often we don’t listen to understand—we listen to reply.  Bring awareness to this.  And listen for what’s truly behind the words.
5. Be present.  Be thoughtful.  Compliment people.  Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.  This is how to make a real and lasting difference in your relationships, new and old.
6. Set an example.  Treat everyone with respect, even those who are rude to you—not because they are nice, but because YOU are.  And do your best to be thankful for the rude and difficult people too; they serve as great reminders of how not to be.
7. People will rarely think and act exactly the way you want them to.  Hope for the best, but expect less.  Agree to disagree when necessary.  And be careful not to dehumanize those you disagree with.  In our self-righteousness, we can easily become the very things we dislike in others.
8. People are much nicer when they’re happier, which says a lot about those who aren’t very nice to us.  Sad, but true.  The way we treat people we disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love, compassion and kindness.  Let’s just wish them well, and be on our way.
9. You can’t control how people receive your energy.  And you can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal.  Rarely do people do things because of you.  They do things because of them.  There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to when you detach from other people’s behaviors.  The way they treat you is their issue, how you respond is yours.  (We discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of our book.)
10. The wisest, most loving, and well-rounded people you have ever met are likely those who have been shattered by some kind of heartbreak.  Yes, life often creates the best humans by breaking them first.  Their destruction into pieces allows them to be fine-tuned and reconstructed into a masterpiece.  Let this continue to remind you to be way kinder than necessary, every step of the way.

Afterthoughts on Dealing with Offensive People

Some of the quotes above (like numbers 6 through 9 for example) potentially require a willingness to cordially deal with people who yell at us, interrupt us, cut us off in traffic, talk about terribly distasteful things, and so forth.

These people violate the way we think people should behave.  And sometimes their behavior deeply offends us.

But if we let these people get to us, again and again, we will be upset and offended far too often.

So, what can we do?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, but here are two strategies Angel and I often recommend to our course students:

• Be bigger, think bigger. – Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment.  She throws a temper tantrum!  This small, momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation.  But as adults, we know better.  We realize that there are dozens of other things this 2-year-old could do to be happier.  Sure, that’s easy for us to say—we have a bigger perspective, right?  But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again—this small, momentary offense seems enormous, and it makes us want to scream.  We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum.  However, if we think bigger, we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things.  It’s not worth our energy.  So always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.
• Mentally hug them and wish them better days. – This little trick can positively change the way we see people who offend us.  Let’s say someone has just said something unpleasant to us.  How dare they!  Who do they think they are?  They have no consideration for our feelings!  But of course, with a heated reaction like this, we’re not having any consideration for their feelings either—they may be suffering inside in unimaginable ways.  By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy, and realize that their behavior is likely driven by some kind of inner pain.  They are being unpleasant as a coping mechanism for their pain.  And so, mentally, we can give them a hug.  We can have compassion for this broken person, because we all have been broken and in pain at some point too.  We’re the same in many ways.  Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.

Try one of these strategies the next time someone offends you.  And then smile in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t.

(Note: Angel and I build “smarter communication” strategies and habits with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)

Your turn…

Yes, it’s your turn…

To instill more love into this world.

To love what you do, until you can do what you love.

To love where you are, until you can be where you love.

And, above all, to love the people you are with, until you can be with the people you love most.

Fewer judgments.  Less resistance.  More love.

Ultimately, this is the way we find happiness, opportunity, and peace in life.

Let’s practice, together.  🙂

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Please share this post with others who you think may benefit from it, and also share your thoughts with us in the comments area below.  If you’re up to it, I’d love it if you shared an additional quote or personal saying that reminds you to treat others kindly and with less judgement (for both their sake and yours).

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