LIVING LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION...

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller - September 1, 2018

LIVING LIVES OF QUIET DESPERATION...

(c)Kimberly D. Miller - 09/16/2018

People live lives of quiet desperation every day, but I ask you this, if this is you, do you know why? As human beings born with free will, we all begin with the ability to be who we are and to live the lives we want to live, but so many of us choose to suppress who we are as opposed to nurture those unique qualities, talents and gifts. Most people even go a step further and mold themselves into something they think they have to be for other peoples' approval.


I will offer myself up as an example here. I pretended for so many years that I was straight for fear of disappointing my mother. It took a lot of years of emotional struggle with myself, but I finally mustered up the courage to face my fear and came out to her in my 30's and yes, there was some discomfort on her part, but after only a couple of weeks, she was trying to fix me up with random women in the grocery store, it was great and my fears turned out to be pretty much for nothing. Then came the fear of losing the friends I had at the time and other members of my family which, consequently...I did. Some could not handle it and, in the long run, I was glad. There were people who, as it turned out, proved to not be the best of friends in my eyes if they could not stick by me for being myself, and the same with certain family members. The people who stuck by me were the people who proved worthy to be in my life and the ones I wanted there anyway. My son only ever wanted my happiness and was only ever supportive and loving so that was never an issue. I can even remember dating in my 20's and pretending to love football and car racing even though I hated those things, just to have things in common with people I thought I was in love with. Oey! Had I just had the courage then to be who I was meant to be I wouldn't have wasted so much time feeling miserable pretending to live as someone else. For me, living a life of honesty has now allowed me to know myself inside and out and to stop living for other people. It has also allowed me to really know the difference between real friends and those who just want something from me, something I used to really struggle with in the past. There may be less people in my life, but I am so much better about being alone and loving the quality of my own company now, that I'm fine with that. Everything in my life is real and, when I want company, I can go out and find it.


It breaks my heart watching people I know and love suffer through quiet desperation, especially those I counsel. It's like they so desperately want to be themselves, but the longer they have gone on living the charade of being someone else, the more they have lost themselves and therefore the ability to understand how to find their way back to who they really are. I watch them struggle with their inner desires and the outer world they have built, knowing they hate it. Another example is a client I currently have who has a literal wall of material possessions in her home and I think that each one represents a part of herself that was lost. Each time something was lost she would collect something new and put it into this wall. It is a very sad wall and little by little we have been able to tear parts of it down, but it will take us years to get it all down because it took years to put it up. It's a process, but she is willing to work on it and I'm proud of her. She desperately wants her outside life...marriage, friends, job, home, to be the life she wanted deep down, but was never bold enough to make the choices she actually wanted to achieve those things for fear of judgments. Fear of not pleasing someone other than herself, fear of not having enough money and not being taken care of. Fear in general.


I recently discovered an article entitled, “Are You Leading a Life of Quiet Life of Desperation?” by Mike Turitzin which states, “...we resign ourselves to dissatisfaction.  Quiet desperation is acceptance of–and surrendering to–circumstances.  Quietly desperate lives are frustrated, passive, and apathetic.  They’re unfulfilled and unrealized.

Pay attention to the following signs of a quietly desperate life. You might be leading one if:

1. You’ve worked hard to reach a place of comfort and security — but you’re still dissatisfied.  You’re comfortable, but you feel trapped.  Every path away seems to go downhill.
2. You’ve convinced yourself you’re not talented, creative, disciplined, or lucky enough to pursue your dreams.  You think you’re not one of the chosen few, so you’ve resigned yourself to mediocrity.
3. You’ve accepted the power your fears hold over you, and you work within their constraints.  You concede to your fears rather than confronting them.  You refuse to do anything scary and new.
4. You’re your own worst naysayer.  You focus on how your plans will fail rather than on how to make them work.  You expend great energy rationalizing inaction.  You’ve decided your past failures predict future ones.  
5. You’ve adopted a fatalistic attitude.  Rather than working to improve your situation, you sit idly, hoping to get a lucky break. Rather than working to help yourself, you wait for others to help you.”
6. You’ve decided you missed your chance.  You’re too old, too committed, or too set in your ways to turn back now.  Instead you sit and watch younger and more-free people do what you want to do.”

I think most of us can honestly say that to some extent we have all lived or currently live lives of quiet desperation, but I hope everyone will eventually come to experience their truth and know the joy and elation of living life on their terms being who they are meant to be. It is the truest expression of freedom there is.


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