(Photograph (c) Kimberly D Miller 03/2018)
Does
our past define us? It shouldn’t, but for many it absolutely does
and that my friend, is a very unhealthy way to define a future.
We
are able to remember past events, not as a way to build walls against
negative results toward similar situations, but to guide us
forward…to act as a contrast between positive decisions and those
of a negative variety. Have you ever noticed that you just can’t
remember parts of your childhood, either until someone else talks
about an incident or a similar situation arises in your present to
jog your memory? Some memories, mainly negative in nature, are so
deeply embedded in us due to years of not dealing with them because
they were suppressed at the time for our protection, that we tend to
forget they are down there and then, one day, WHAM, they pop up at
what feels like, the worst possible moment. Once the memory is back
it reminds us that, “Oh yeah, the last time this happened it was
terrible and I have to make sure I never let this happen again,”
and presto, another brick is added to your heart wall (the wall we
build around our heart from negative experiences to keep them
protected…so we think). The higher and thicker the heart wall
becomes, the more we remove ourselves from society and the longer it
will take to tear down.
I
am a prime example of blocking memories from the past. Having been
blessed/cursed as a deep-thinker in life, I try to find the “why”
of every situation and, as many of you know, this process will, more
often than not, drive you mad. However, the other day I was sitting
in my art room working on a project and this realization about my
mother and my depression came flooding into my consciousness. I
blame this on all of the meditation I have been doing lately
(lol...it's a good thing). I had totally blocked and deeply buried
the fact that my mother tried to take her own life when I was 13.
This memory was so relevant to what I have been going through for
years and yet, during a time that I was relaxed and just working on
an art project, it came back. I even remembered the details and
connected two different past events. My mother kept telling me after
that incident that she really wasn’t trying to kill herself, but
that she “forgot” she had already taken a couple of doses of
Valium before she took the next (combined with all of the alcohol as
well). Then I remembered that later in life, I was probably in my
late 30’s, my mom revealed to me that my father had a “lover”
for years who lived in another city. I finally put together that
this all occurred right around the same time as all of the nighttime
fighting and the sounds of glass breaking against the fireplace, and
overhearing my dad yell things like, “If you try to leave me, I’ll
take the kids and you’ll never see them again.” All of this
began to add up for me as to why I protect my heart so much and why
love has never fully been able to work for me with a partner. I let
my parents’ relationship (or lack thereof) define what a
relationship is. I even let it define the type of person I fell for
in that I always fell for people, who I knew going in, that would
never work out (with the exception of two people…B.S. and A.S.)
How sad I felt for my past self (I threw a little pity party and
served wine and cheese), right then and there, that I could have had
healthy love this entire time had someone ever told me that
relationships don’t have to be that way, not if you are with the
right person. I was letting the past define
my future. I now know that I have walls to tear down and have begun
the process so I can live and feel my life and feel love and
connection with someone and make a life of joy and partnership.
It
takes a lot of work to undo what we have done to ourselves over the
years, but remember this…it can
be undone. You can
heal and will
find a way to do so if you want it badly enough. Keep your eyes and
your focus on the here and the now…let life unfold as it may and
stay out of the past…there is really no reason to go back there as
it’s over and done and should not be able to hurt you anymore
without your permission.
***A
tip to tear down your heart wall is this...when you feel the time is
right, go back and grab the memories that you buried during very
traumatic moments in your life, try to recall them fully, and then
face them head on. You will be surprised as to how quickly they
leave you forever and how much more open you will feel when you gain
this freedom***
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