I think what people say and what we hear are sometimes two different things. It's either our perception of what they actually say or what we are hoping they actually meant by what they said, and sometimes the mood we are in. For example, I have a huge pet peeve about people saying they will call me and then not actually doing it so when people say to me, “I will call you,” I think what I will choose to hear is, “I will call you...if I can.” In this way I won't sit and dwell over why I wasn't worth the phone call and let them break my trust. Why I was forgettable enough to have not been remembered for them to call. Or why I wasn't important enough to actually follow through with that phone call.
Why do I and others like me care so much about things and let people get to us? I think because we are genuinely nice people. We are the type of people who do what we say we are going to do...we are reliable, responsible and always trying to help other people and deep down, we hope that we will be treated the same way by the people in our world. When we aren't we feel let down and betrayed by them. We expected them to behave a certain way (expectations will let you down and disappoint you more often than not), and they didn't.
What can I do about it, you ask. Nothing, at least not in the sense that you can exercise any kind of control over other people. What you can do for yourself is to not let it bother you. In choosing to hear what people say differently, you can exercise a certain amount of control over your mind and your heart to a degree of self-preservation. You can hear the phrase, “I will call you ...if I can (or whatever pet peeve you have that really bothers you about others),” and know that people have things happen on a daily basis that may prevent them from doing what they say they will. Forgiveness is hard (especially for me because I tend to drop unreliable people from my life like a bad habit and replace them with people who will not let me down). We have to learn to trust ourselves because that is all we have control over. I can trust myself to not let this person get to me or let me down because I won't “expect” certain things from them. Especially after you know a person's shortcomings you can adjust your thinking and not let it bother you.
I have always been a ruminator...I dwell on everything. Changing this is very difficult because of my deep-seated need to know the "why"...about every situation, but the thinh to learn as a ruminator, is to not let it bother me. It is a choice. I can sit and wonder all day, or I can just say, “fuck it,” and move forward with something more productive and positive. I will no longer have people or situations in my life who do not have my best interests at heart and who I know in the long run will let me down over and over again if I let them. So when I find someone worth having in my life, I now assess who they are, what their character is, and whether or not I can trust them on a certain level. If I can, then eventually, when that trust is proven time and time again, I will move them up a level until I find the highest level on which they can be trusted and keep them there. Hopefully they never break that trust because these days people only get one strike with me and they are out. I will replace them and move on because I don't let it bother me. People who have taken the time to get to know me, I mean really know me, know who I am, what I am about and what I am willing to put up with and the more I grow and morph into who I am meant to be, I don't put up with much at all. You are either a real friend or you are not. There is no gray area there, nor should there be.
My advice to ruminators is this, learn to not let it bother you. Think forward, and live in the moment. Stay out of the past and don't let anyone make you wonder about what you did or could have done differently to make them feel better or receive a positive response to whatever encounter you had. Just don't let it bother you...and move on...better things will come along.
Thank you for taking the time to stop and visit and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Happy blogging.
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