It is so sad, but unfortunately true, that more people than not have been raped and/or abused at some point in their life, usually in childhood or as a young adult. I am one such person.
For so many years after I was raped I lived inside of
sick and twisted patterns and made choices that were not only guaranteed to fail, but seriously rendered it
hard and self-destructive. I went around blaming all of my
“problems” on the fact that I was raped and in turn I
let myself fall into relationships that were ultimately
abusive in one form or another. I told myself that I was a victim and that the world owed me something for what I had been through. Maybe if I had had someone to talk to during this time I might have chosen to see things
differently, but I did not. What I failed to realize at
the time was that I made myself a victim. I let my
attacker win. Because of what he did to me I felt fear all of
the time in every situation. I let my self-esteem be ripped from my soul and as a result, I felt
like I didn't deserve anything good in my life. I
gained weight because I wanted to appear unattractive to other people, I chose relationships with people
who verbally abused me and cheated on me, I turned
to drugs and alcohol, I had illicit encounters with
strangers while under the influence, and I made sure
to destroy anyone and everyone who wanted to love me for the right reasons.
That having been said, if you are someone or you
know someone who has been abused, I beg you for
your sake and the sake of those who want to be in
your life to do good things with and for you, don’t let the abuser win. If you have lost your self-esteem and gained weight, if you choose bad relationships, close the real you off to those who really want to help you, abuse substances, choose jobs you hate and feel fear all the time, I mean all of your decisions are based out of some sort of fear, be it worry, anxiety,
depression, etc., then you have let the person who
abused you take the life you could have had away
from you and he or she has won.
You were put on this earth to have a life...to live it to
the fullest...to give and receive love...to make a
difference and to find joy. Now is the time to take
back what you lost. Now is the time to say, “I am not a victim. I am a survivor and I want my life back.” Now is the time to change your diet to get your body back in shape and show it the appreciation it deserves for all the things it does for you daily. So many of
my friends say to me, “You’re not fat,” when I say
I’m going back to my healthy eating because my
pants are getting tight. What a lot of them don’t
know about me is just how fat I had let myself
become when I first moved to Arizona and now if I
feel my pants getting tight, I change my eating habits right away. I refuse to buy larger clothing sizes to
accommodate my low self-esteem anymore. Putting unhealthy things into our
bodies is a major form of low self-esteem. Sure it’s okay every now and then to have a piece of cake at a party or the occasional slice of
pizza, glass of wine or beer, but when this type of
food becomes your daily diet, you have to know that
it is unhealthy and that you are doing it because, deep down, you just don’t care about you.
The same goes for substance abuse. There are so
many programs in place for recovery and many of
them state-funded and free, and you can stop this destructive
pattern and get out from under these self-numbing tendencies. I went to several before I got
my life together. It was hard for me to learn that I
didn't have to throw drugs or alcohol at my feelings
and that it was okay to feel them and meet them head on and acknowledge that I was not broken.
I also sought out counseling and turned my negative
life into positive choices and possibilities. My
choices now come from a sense of weighing out
which path will bring me the greatest happiness and
excitement as well as from a place of knowing that I
am as good as everyone else on this planet and I
deserve all the best that life has to offer. I now know that I deserve love and am a lovable person; that if I
allow people to know the real me, the people worth
having will stay in my life and not hurt me. They will give me love and support and in return, they will
accept the same from me and they will stay in my life. I also now know that not every person is going to
like me and that that is just fine. I don’t need them to. I only want those people who will not bring drama
into my life as drama is best left on the stage and
silver screen. I have finally reached a point where I
don’t care what other people think about me or about their judgments on my life. If they want to be in my
life and they are worth it, then great...show me you
can be. I have weeded out all of the people who I had let in for unhealthy reasons. I now know that there is a huge difference between acquaintances and true
friends. From now on my efforts, love and attention
are reserved only for my true friends. In learning this lesson it gave me the strength to say, “no.” To finally care enough about myself to quit being walked on
and just say, “no” to the general public and
acquaintances. If my true friends need me, I will say yes as long as it doesn't compromise me in any way,
but learning to say, “no” has empowered my life
beyond words.
These are not small steps, they are huge leaps that
will catapult you from a life of negativity and merely existing into a life of excitement and joy. You cannot however, expect that once you make the decision to
turn it around it will happen overnight. You didn't
reach your current state in one day, it took a lot of
time. Patience is going to be key for you to change,
but you will see guaranteed results the minute you
make up your mind to choose a positive life and make only positive choices. From this jumping-off-point you will celebrate the death of your inner victim and rejoice in the birth of the survivor, determined to live life to its fullest.
Thank you for taking the time to stop and visit and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Happy blogging.
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