ASPERGER'S SYNDROME...A WINTER AUTISM DIAGNOSIS...
Well, here I am in the winter
of my life (over age 60), never really having had an inkling of who I am,
always remaining a constant enigma to myself and finally getting the correct
diagnosis. Whew! That was a long haul!
As I entered into my
60's a few years ago, I finally found the most amazing therapist, one who
actually listened to me and really helped me advance my search on finding
myself. All of my life I have been misdiagnosed (BPD, Bipolar, Depression
Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, etc.) and/or underdiagnosed and therefore have
never received the coping skills I actually needed to succeed in life. It
all makes sense now...I have Asperger's Syndrome and, because it was
undiagnosed my entire life, CPTSD on top of that. Well, better late than
never. This revelation bathed me in relief and hope and, as the therapy
sessions have progressed, has put me on the path to understanding ways in which
I can make sense of society and how best to navigate a life within it.
Life for me thus far has
been a harsh environment. With two suicide attempts under my belt and a
life of being bullied, raped, belittled, beaten, tormented, traumatized, taken
advantage of, and extremely misunderstood, I never felt like I belonged on this
earth. Everyone has always made the following comments when I have any
reaction to what they are saying: "You're SO sensitive," "Are
you crying AGAIN?" "When are you going to grow up?" "I
always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you (my least favorite),"
"What's wrong with you NOW?" "You are so thin-skinned,"
"Why are you such a loner?" "People don't understand you,"
"Why can't you be like everybody else?" Yeah, these types of
comments do not make for real self-esteem boosters.
I have been prescribed
anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, anti-psychotics, and the list goes on,
none of which ever helped and most of which only caused severe side-effects,
hence my aversion to further prescription meds, for any health
reason.
The only way I have made
it is this far (several diagnosticians were amazed that I have) is due to
masking. Masking is another term for faking it until you make it. I
learned that in order to make it in society and then raise my son alone, I had
to "be" someone who knows social graces. I accomplished this by
watching a LOT of television and movies and mimicking what I observed in
them. To this day one of my super powers is quoting movies and TV. lines.
Whenever I would encounter a situation I did not fully understand, I would
revert back through my library of content (in my head) and remember for
example, that when you have a conversation with someone, you turn your head to
them and face them during the chat. To this day I still cannot look
someone directly in the eye as it makes me SO uncomfortable, but I did learn to
look at the tip of their nose and...it works.
The other coping skill I
taught myself, albeit not a good one, before my son was born, was
running. When things got to be too much within the life-bubble I had
created where I was living, I would pick up and move to another state, another
city, where no one knew me and I could start over, creating a new version of
myself. I was later taught by my therapist that this is not the best
coping skill because wherever you go, there you are...lol. I still get
the urge to just run when things aren't going well, but I'm working on
it. It is so hard for me to try to "work things out" where I am
as I was never taught how. I don't understand people...all people, so I
have no clue as to how to deal with them. My experience with them is that
they lie, cheat, take advantage, and hurt me around every corner, so my
attitude has always been, why bother? I am finally learning to trust two
friends I now have and even then, the road thus far has been a bit rocky.
I am still learning
about myself every day and how this Asperger's Syndrome affects my day-to-day
existence, but I finally found the right path.
If you have had a life
like mine or find similarities in our stories, please see a licensed therapist
and/or go in for testing. Believe me; the right diagnosis will absolutely
save your life.
