Today I rediscovered a post that had been lingering in my "Drafts" folder from March of 2014, which was just a few months before I moved to Oregon. The reason I decided to publish it now is that I read it back and realized that I have come so far since the day I had these feelings. I have become a much more positive person leading a way more positive life and I never knew that would ever happen for me. I post it today with hope that anyone who reads it, who ever had feelings like these and can relate to this, will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can live a positive life, you can loosen up and accept change as it comes, and you can reverse all of your negative patterns and fill your soul with happiness, joy, laughter and all things wonderful...May God bless your life as he has mine.
A HALF EMPTY SOUL
March 2014
I feel as though my body is made up of two giant vials of liquid substance which together, constitute one whole soul; one on the left side, filling up one whole side of my soul, and the other on the right side, doing the same. I believe that some time before my mom passed, the liquid substance on the right side started to drain and it drained so fast that by the time she actually died, that vial was empty...dry as a bone. That side of my soul had vanished. I have tried and tried to find people or places or things to fill it back up, and even though some of those people, places and things have been good and added back a little substance here and there, it never stays for long and drains right back out.
My question? Where does one turn to seal that leak so the liquid substance can build back up and complete my soul again? Is it even possible? Or should I just be accepting of what I've become and learn to live with half a soul. I think that that would feel like accepting defeat, like I gave up and didn't try hard enough to gain it back. I long for someone to come along and just say, "Oh, no problem. Here's some caulking for the bottom of that leaky tube and once it dries, go out there and fill it up...it will never leak out again." Okay, so maybe that isn't a realistic fantasy, but then most fantasies aren't very realistic.
So then as I see it, my previous attempts at filling this tube back up have been futile because until recently, I never realized that the bottom of the tube was still wide open. I guess my real goal should not be about filling it up, but sealing the hole on the bottom, which I believe is going to be achieved by learning new coping skills and new ways in which to rebuild a solid foundation. Once I accomplish that, then and only then will I be able to begin adding liquid substance back into the tube and eventually my soul will be whole again.
Why do I write this? Because loss is a part of life and we all lose close relationships to either death, or pride, or other circumstances. Hopefully someone will read this and know that if and when it happens to them, (or maybe it already has) don't scramble and try to fill that empty part of you because until you can repair the damage...you will only wriggle in the quicksand and waste your time and effort. Seek out someone who can help shed light on a way to seal that hole and build your foundation so that the good things can come into your life and fill you back up. This will generally take a lot of time and patience on your part so don't be discouraged. You are strong and you CAN do this...it will all fall into place.
