KIMBERLYS INSANITY

DON'T BE AFRAID TO GO INSIDE...

2011-12-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard the adage, "When one door closes, another door opens." It seems this has been happening around me my entire life, but I just didn't have the insight to see them as doors. I think I was so busy worrying about things like: how to keep money coming in for the mortgage and utilities (not to mention the 900 credit card bills), gas for the vehicles, food for my son and I, etc.

Those of you who have followed my blog (my apologies for not keeping it up lately) know that my son and I lost our home recently and through all that trepedation still came through with so many positive things due to doors opening when others were slammed shut. It was then that I realized that worrying does nothing but give you heartburn and indigestion, not to mention unsightly wrinkles on your face (and other places too odd to mention). Therefore, the point in worrying became lost to me. Why freak out about things we have no control over? No reason I can think of. We are all born control freaks, we can't help it. But we can learn to let fate take the wheel and steer us where we are meant to be. We have to stop the backseat driving (or fate will say, "Don't make me pull this car over," and we know what that means.)

I am ever afraid of opening new doors, afraid of change and new circumstances. It scares the hell out of me, and yet I will walk right into a "haunted" house just to see if it's haunted. I now understand the doors and am not as leary to peek inside before I go through. Those of you who worry about EVERYTHING in your life, give fate the steering wheel or the reins and let it lead you to your destiny. You're going to get there anywhere but maybe the journey will be a lot more fun without trying to control everything in your path.

I wish you all a happy, sane and safe holiday season and new year. I am really missing my mom this year, but I suspect that will be the case every year around this time. I'm just so thankful for the way I was raised and for the people who took responsibility for the job. God bless.

INTO EACH LIFE ~ A LITTLE RAIN MUST FALL

2011-09-25T15:37:00.001-07:00

I think most people would look upon the quote, “Into each life, a little rain must fall,” with negative connotation. I, however, have grown to love this quote and view it in the most positive of lights because I realize that rain is a good thing. It waters natures plants and nurtures the earth, as well as all living things upon the earth. Therefore I must assume that the creator of this quote was either a negative thinker or that his or her intention was misconstrued from the beginning.

I sincerely hope that for anyone who reads this post, rain will fall into your life and nurture your world.

TEXTING AND ANGER

2011-09-05T08:05:00.001-07:00

Texting is the most popular form of communication these days, but there is a huge aspect of it that I hate. For example, this morning I texted a person to see if they were coming in to work today, but they reminded me that they didn't come in on holidays and it was Labor Day. I told them I wasn't aware, because here I am working and there is nothing in the office to say that it's Labor Day and I plain forgot. I mean, I'm old, we forget shit. They texted back in what seemed like an angry way and I texted back and could tell they took it in an angry way. I missed their phone call as I was out cleaning a lot of dropped equipment and my phone was in the store. They then texted back angry again. Now, I don't know for sure if they were texting angry, or if I was for that matter, but I hate that aspect of texting. A person can take it any way they want, and if they take it as anger, they will text back in anger. They should invent some kind of a button to annotate voice tone on these things. They can do everything else, why not something like that?

DIVINE INTERVENTION

2011-09-01T16:58:00.001-07:00

If I didn’t believe in divine intervention in the past, I certainly do now. Why, you ask? As those of you who know me or read my blog whenever I have time to publish will know, this has been an incredibly tough financial time for Brice and I. This however, is no different from those of us in the rest of the country, and like so many in this country, am losing my home and not able to obtain much else in the way of employment other than my part time job of 2-1/2 years (which I love).

Here is where the divine intervention comes into play. I have some neighbors next door, a couple, who have lived there for almost a year, and who have been great neighbors to have in the sense that they are quiet and fun to chat with when we have time to chat. I have always felt that would have my back. In fact, Barbara did have my back one day when the building inspector came around, but that’s another story. I mentioned to Barbara one day in passing that they would be seeing a for sale sign going up in my yard soon because I opted for short sale as opposed to foreclosure. I also told a few other neighbors that we are friendly with so that everyone would know what was going on. They are all so kind and caring on this street. The other day I received a voice message on my Lingo phone, so it was on the computer, from a person whose name I was unsure of. She said in the message that she was the daughter of Barbara who lived next door to me, that she heard of my situation and wondered if I would call her back as she maybe had some options for us. My first reaction was, “What? Does this kind of thing still happen in this day and age? In America? Really?” So I called her and not only found out who she was, but that we have a lot in common in so many areas of life that it was astounding, in sort of a Patty Duke Show kind of way (those of you under the age of 30 should Google this reference). She said that she was going to take a six month business trip and needed someone to live in her home so she didn’t have to turn off utilities and could have someone looking after the place while she was gone, and was I interested. OMG really? This just came out of left field for us. I was like, “Yes and thank you, whoever you are.”

The interesting part here is that merely hours before I received her message I was praying and talking to my mother (who passed away December of ‘09") and asking for someone to steer me in the direction I needed to be heading in to get where I’m supposed to be. I have been out putting in applications at low income apartments (low income – yeah right), and checking ads on Craigslist and looking into bankruptcy and anything else I could think of. I was running out of options but was not going to quit until I found a solution. I was even thinking of having Brice live in the dorms in Douglas at his school while I lived in the truck for awhile. I didn’t know that in this day and age (in a world where “trust” is a scary concept) that people like this still existed. I can never thank these people enough, nor the divine intervention that put me on the right path, but I sure do believe and have learned a lot from this experience.

Changing the Daily Grind

2011-08-06T15:16:00.002-07:00

Ever wake up and think to yourself, “Great, another round of wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, repeat.” This must be the American dream, the one they don’t tell you about, the one where you work hard and pay your bills and taxes and ultimately have no life outside of those daily grind routines. Well I, for one, have had enough. I am so ready to get out of this rut. I used to really love my part time job and building my business on the side, but recently it would seem that even my boss (who, if you happen to read this, I cherish very much and have never had a better one) has been taking me for granted along with everyone else in my life. It seems I am trying so hard to please everyone else and not hard enough to please myself. I know it has affected my mood as of late in that I am not happy and most unhappy people love nothing more than company so we go around being mean and disagreeable and try to make everyone else unhappy right along with us. This is so dumb and accomplishes nothing. The truth is, I don’t want to make everyone else unhappy, just to make myself happy and that is what I have decided to do.

I realize that every country has their issues and problems, but for me, the good old U.S. of A. just isn’t cutting it anymore. I am trying to find a job overseas, preferably with the U.S. Embassy in Venice, Italy, and beginning the arduous task of the never-ending paperwork involved. I think if I get the results I am looking for, this will be well worth it. As it stands now, living from paycheck to paycheck, I have no hope for a savings account for my “retirement,” which we all know is a moot point with Social Security in such a mess, and I would like nothing better than to adopt a calmer, more life-loving attitude about waking up in the morning and greeting the day. The Italians know how to LIVE life, not just exist for a paycheck and the almighty dollar. Many countries in Europe have this attitude as well, so if things don’t work out for Italy, they may work out for France or somewhere else across the ocean.

My point? If you are in the middle of the doldrums and humdrums, make a conscious decision to change it, or it will suck you under and you will drowned, probably taking several people with you. This is not going to be healthy for anyone involved.

How Sensitive is too Sensitive?

2011-07-02T19:12:00.001-07:00

While sitting at my computer today doing mundane chores like paying bills, I received a phone call from a long time friend. She is someone I have known for over forty years and through thick and thin we have always been able to talk about each others’ lives and share memories. Lately, however, it would seem that between us, too many feelings are being hurt over small things. Most would say that one or both of us are being “too sensitive,” a term I don’t quite understand. I can say that personally, my friends, my boss, my family and anyone else I’ve encountered in my life has at one time referred to me as being “too” sensitive.

The good news is that today it finally dawned on me. I have always been a victim of my past, and therefore very defensive and guarded around people. In other words, I didn’t have much self-esteem. To that end, the same can be said for my long time friend. Thanks to an incredible medical intuitive, Caroline Myss, whose DVD’s I was fortunate to have listened to recently because of my friend Maria, we need to just get over it. The past helps you figure out things as you grow, but it doesn’t have to live with you in the present. She made a statement that really hit home with me. She said, “Embrace loneliness. Become good friends with it. Take it out to lunch.” This made a huge impact on me because I didn’t realize just how much I was fighting loneliness recently. I could say it was because of my mom passing, my son graduating, menopause or that I don’t have a love interest in my life or many friends, but why? Why make excuses for living in a place that brings constant sorrow and doubt? No reason I can think of other than the fact that I’ve spent the better part of 40 something years conditioning myself to do so. It was comfortable there. It was what I knew. The trick is to force yourself to live outside of your comfort zone. Embrace the loneliness and fill it with healthy things in the here and now. Peoples’ opinions of you should never matter more than your own opinion of you.

I can now laugh at my boss/friend, who always says to me, when I let myself get down in the muck, “Stop apologizing for breathing.” This was exactly what I wanted to say to my friend on the phone tonight because the most frustrating part of our conversation was that no matter what I said, she was defensive and apologizing assuming that everything was her fault. She said that I deserved a better friend and that she was sorry for not being that to me. It was like someone held a mirror to my face during this conversation. Sadly, I may never be able to relay this message to her while she is in this frame of mind because I’m sure it would be taken as her having done something else wrong.

If you are reading this post and if anything here sounds all too familiar to you or hits home in any way, I highly recommend getting ahold of either some literature, video or audio cd’s by Caroline Myss. She has changed my life in a way that I haven’t been able to do up to now, despite my efforts. Below are some great quotes by Caroline Myss:

"If anyone tries to complicate your life,
turn and walk away from them."

"We grow primarily through our challenges,
especially those life-changing moments when we begin to recognize
aspects of our nature that make us different from the family
and culture in which we have been raised."

"When we harbor negative emotions toward others or toward ourselves,
or when we intentionally create pain for others,
we poison our own physical and spiritual systems.
By far the strongest poison to the human spirit
is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.
It disables a person's emotional resources.
The challenge is to refine our capacity to love others as well as ourselves
and to develop the power of forgiveness. "

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself.
The challenge is to silence the mind."

"Do you really want to look back on your life
and see how wonderful it could have been
had you not been afraid to live it."

"The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.
And that's why when one has become a forgiving person,
and has managed to let go of the past,
what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time.

TICK TOCK…TICK TOCK

2011-06-11T14:54:00.006-07:00

Some time ago I was in the middle of a profound thought (as I often am) and the following musings came to me:

Our life, as gifted to us in the beginning, is one large lump of time. Each individual receives this lump at birth and has only that allotted time in which to choreograph and shape what will become their life in totality. Some are blessed with more time than others, some are blessed with less, but the secret is not to waste a second of it. We must cherish every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every Year to the point that it could be our last.

That which is wasted on wishing we were older, wishing we were younger and wishing we had different circumstances, can never be regained. Hold this time in your heart like a new born baby and cherish it as such. Laugh at everything possible, take joy in everything around you, love as often as you can, and befriend as many people that cross your path. In doing so you will enrich your life to its fullest.

Essentially, we are born into this world alone, we have to make decisions and live our lives alone, and we die alone. If we are lucky, we are born into families who nurture us and share in our lives, and as we get older we find friends and lovers to share with as well. If we learn to love ourselves, cherish who we are and love who we are, while all the while sharing ourselves with others, we can ask for no more.

Our children are on loan to us to teach and nurture so that they may go out into the world alone and choreograph and mold their lumps of time. We do not own them, just as wives, husbands, parents and siblings do not own each other. I think the keys to life consist of understanding two things: first, that you are you, basically one person on their own eternally, but able to share yourself and your time with others and second, knowing that we must not waste time with needless worries about materialistic ventures and ideals. Once you have these keys in your grasp, you can unlock the secrets to any realm you choose.

When I try extremely hard to shape my life into what I truly want it to be, it usually happens and I feel happiness from a soul depth. Other times I find myself working and going home and sleeping and complaining about parts of my life that bother me. This is wasteful and pointless, not to mention unhealthy. I am so thankful for this time that I have been given and have realized more frequently just how precious each day is to me and how much I want to fill up every day with the things that are important to me.

Make time now, even if it's ten minutes a day to keep for yourself, if only for a cup of tea or coffee, meditation, a favorite book or song, time with a cherished one, or time spent on a passionate venture. You will soon realize just how little certain things truly matter in the grand scheme of things and just how free you can be.

After writing these passages, I felt somewhat released. I hope they will mean something to you in some small way.

WHAT’S TO UNDERSTAND?

2011-05-04T11:31:00.001-07:00

Do you now, or have you ever known, people who take the attitude that if they can’t or don’t understand certain aspects of your personality or your overall make-up, they tend to treat you as though you were less or even damaged because of it? This has been happening to me quite frequently recently and at first I was dumbfounded by being treated so badly (which is what it felt like at the time) by someone I so desperately wanted to be friends with and in fact, considered to be a friend.

I tried to justify it at first and rationalize that maybe I did something to piss this person off. Sometimes people don’t understand the sensitive side of me, the artist and lover, the side that deals with tough situations through humor and sarcasm. But then I thought, wait, why am I only looking at myself here? There is no “blame” per se, more a lack of understanding, nay, empathy on both of our parts. I finally realized that this was a person who was basically afraid of her sensitive side and saw it as a weakness, something she couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate in her own life as well as in others, mostly because she doesn’t understand the concept. Much like I don’t understand the concept of relaxation. When someone tells me to relax I look at them like they are speaking in Tongues.

I think we would all do well, if we are going to judge, to do so through empathy first, rather than rationality, which is usually or own version of sanity. We so easily tend to write off those people and ideals which we do not understand and keep them at arm’s length because, as I’ve said in so many of my posts, we don’t feel that we have the time for such things.

There are so many things to understand about people, especially if you want to form any kind of relationship with them. Once I understood that this person views sensitivity in others as a weakness, I have a better relationship with her and can find subtle ways to explain my sensitivities in situations before she has a chance to judge and sentence. Opening this line of communication has made our friendship stronger and has helped me grow as a person. I now see how many people and ideals in the past that I shoved at arm’s length or just refused to associate with anymore because I didn’t take the time to understand the parts of them that confused me, the parts that add together with other parts that make them who they are.

What’s to understand? A lot!

LOVE IS...

2011-04-24T14:16:00.004-07:00

I have been writing poetry for such a long time. It is another passion of mine as deeply felt as my art and photography. So, today I thought I would post a poem and hopefully touch or inspire someone ~ anyone!

This poem is one of many that I have posted on my Redbubble.com site. Click on the link above and it will take you there if you care to read more or view my photographs.

Love is an entwinement of souls ~

An ever-changing monogamous devotion on a plain more real than physicality.

The melding of one life with another in a way so deep and true

it can never be imagined by consciousness as we know it.

It knows no bounds, no gender, no limitations.

It is forever free, deeply eclectic and always accepting.

Love is the entwinement of souls ~ let go and it will envelop you.

What have you done with YOUR time?

2011-03-13T16:29:00.002-07:00

Time is one of those concepts that you, and only you, can determine in your life. How often have you said, “I just didn't have the time,” or heard the excuses, i.e., “I would have come by and helped you (called you, visited you, etc.) but I just didn't have the time.” One of my personal favorites is, “I didn't get anything done this week, I just didn't have the time.” Really? NO time? Whatsoever? My philosophy is this, if you think you don't have the time or feel you don't have the time, then probably you are taking on more than you need to be taking on in your life, whether by choice or not. Let's face it, sometimes it's hard to use the word, “NO” often enough. I'm one of those people who likes to help other people so of course, when asked to lend a hand, time or no time, I always say, “sure.” It took me a lot of years, but I have recently learned a polite way to say, “I'm sorry, I have other plans that day,” or things of that nature, just so I don't feel stressed out and over wrought. Some call it selfish, but time is selfish and if we don't take some of it for ouselves, what is the point really?

Sress is a word that says your perception of things in your life is pretty much negative and that you are taking on too much. Stress does not necessarily have to be involved in your life, in any way. Planning is everything. Sure spontaneity is exciting and it sounds dull to plan in your life, but if we plan the bulk of our daily lives, we free ourselves up for spontaneity.

What would be so bad about leaving the freaking cell phone at home a couple of days a week? Maybe going home and uplugging would ease stress as well. Don't turn on the computer or the television. Take a hot shower or bath, read a book instead. Our world is so “plugged in” and all of this technology that was created to make things easier and free up time, is the very culprit of usurping our time and causing all of this stress, but that's only if we let it.

My advice here? Take a deep, diaphragmatic breath, let it out slowly and repeat four or five times. Then sit down and make of list of your week. What you normally do, your process for doing it, etc., and see how many things or steps you can eliminate. Then, reward yourself for each block of time you free up. For example, if you free up 15 minutes on a Tuesday after work, reward yourself with a leisurly 15-minute stroll through the neighborhood with your camera in hand (or music, whichever you prefer), or bring back the art of letter writing. I know a couple of my friends and I still keep that lost art alive. I love nothing more than looking for a letter in the mail. It takes away from all of the junk mail and bills and you get to read things about your friends' lives. If you're creative, hey, make a card and write a letter in that as well.

Make the time to take the time.

Shortly after posting this post I looked at the daily quote on my blog and it read as follows:

"Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man...No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. JFK

EVERY STRANGER...

2011-03-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

We come into this world alone (with the exception of those present at the birth of course) and we leave this world alone. However, if we are lucky, we are not alone through the journey, from one end to the other.

Have you ever heard the expression, "You can pick your friends, but you're stuck with your family?" On the contrary. I believe you can create your family as well. I consider some of my closest friends to be family and in this sense, I get to choose my family. The one thing that all human beings have in common, is that we are here. We are all on this journey at the same time and we can choose to know each other, or not. Being creatures of free will, that decision is a very personal choice.

For me, I find my journey is heightened by the people I meet, whether or not I choose them to be involved in my life on a large scale, or just a fleeting moment. I believe that every stranger is a potential friend.

I have also discovered that if you are one of those people who tend to "judge a book by its cover," you are going to miss out on knowing some rather fine individuals. Whether meeting people in person, or over the internet, each meeting is a chance to make a new friend, for however long it lasts, and for whatever reason they are meant to play a role, vital or small, in your life.

I love to people-watch wherever I am and I notice that people tend to stay highly guarded in their own little worlds, barely taking the time to meet a strangers' eyes and offer a smile, let alone accept a smile being offered by someone else. We're all so afraid of something. It's as though trust has fast become one of those words no longer recognized in the dictionary. It's understandable, considering all of the trauma our country has gone through as a whole and individually in each city and state, but don't let it take the wind out of your sails. Each time your eyes meet those of a stranger, you could be looking into the eyes of your new best friend, your soul mate, your future husband, wife or partner or even those of someone who will profoundly touch your life in the blink of an eye.

So remember the next time you are out in public, to look around you and notice each person. Offer them a smile and look into their eyes. Every stranger is a potential friend.

LESSONS LEARNED

2011-01-13T17:57:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a biography buff when it comes to reading. I just finished reading a biography by Melissa Gilbert entitled, “Prairie Tale…A Memoir,” and I have to say, quite an awesome read. It turns out she is in the same answer-seeking time of life that I am in and it was refreshing to find that I am not alone when it comes to soul-searching and deep thinking. In fact, it almost seems, from people I have talked with and other bios I’ve read, that this “mid-life” era in one’s life, is the time we tend to become soul-searchers. Almost as if it’s programmed into us and if we don’t find the answers we seek to the most sought-after question, i.e. who the hell am I, then we go into an almost panic mode, which I believe is where the term midlife “crisis” comes into play.

Although I’m not sure I would categorize myself as being in full “crisis” mode just yet, I am seeking earnestly for answers. Anyway, I digress. In Melissa’s book there is a section toward the end where she mentions a theory her therapist shared with her about believing that before we move on into each life, if we believe we have many, we sit at a huge, round conference table and choose the souls who will be involved with us in the next life, usually because we have unfinished business with them. The thinking here for Melissa was what lesson each and every person in her life has brought to her, parents, friends, children, enemies, etc. Absolutely anyone and everyone ever to have spoken with you or bumped into you on the sidewalk and didn’t care to say excuse me.

From this I decided on my next round of therapy (self-inflicted as usual). I have started a journal in which each story dons a picture of the person I am writing about and each story is that of lessons learned by this person having touched my life in some way.

I chose this picture of my friend Dawn and I because until I met Dawn, way back in 1997 when my son was 4 (he’s graduating high school this year), I had no one in my life who shared my interest in art and creation. Not only shared it, but had an enormous passion for it as did I. This was huge to me. Not only that, but she has taught me over the years that the quality things in life, writing letters to one another (not on the computer but actual mail), swapping art projects to stay close, sending birthday presents, and just working at staying close (even though she has lived in Ohio forever now), these are things that make the difference. She taught me that perseverance and the “slow and steady wins the race” attitude, will carry you through to your goals.

Now I have an entire journal to get started, but I wanted to share this revelation because maybe other answer-seekers who read this post could really benefit by tackling such a project. I can tell you first hand, even the small amount of work I have put into it thus far has brought me so much perspective.

DAILY ACCOMPLISHMENTS

2010-11-23T19:24:00.001-07:00

Not only is it important to organize your surroundings at home and at work, but it’s equally important to organize your thoughts and thinking process.

As the holiday season has suddenly dropped into our proverbial laps, there is much to do and much to think about. Although the holidays are a time for joy and happiness, let’s face it, most of us find it very stressful and often times full of raging depression. I know this has been true for me in the past (everything tragic in our family has always happened right at Christmas), and of course this year has been especially difficult with the one year anniversary of my mother’s death fast approaching, but I recently learned, from a very wise person, how to keep a daily journal of accomplishments. I can’t believe how diligent I have been in doing this and how excited I find myself to write them down as they happen. It’s as though I’m addressing just the good and positive moments of the day and neglecting to acknowledge the negative. In doing so I find I am conditioning my mind to pay close attention to all things positive, thereby creating a pattern, or rather a new subconscious habit. Talk about therapeutic! If you or someone you know suffers from depression of any kind, you have to try this.

The organizational part of this therapy comes in the writing. As I take stock of my accomplishments I am also checking things off of my “to do” list. So now I am checking my list twice (bad pun intended), once for the self-esteem I am building and once for the things I needed to get done…and did.

Any way you look at it, this is a great organizing skill to hone and I hope it can help you.

Simply Organized 4 Life - Periodic Tips

2010-10-10T15:01:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it, and I hope it is not too early to say, but I think my business is finally going to take off. I have been so busy with preparation for my booth in the local home show this weekend, and I am so tired, but so very excited that I have a consultation appointment coming up even before the show gets underway. I believe my 6 months of advertising efforts have begun to pay off.

Anyhow, I have decided that in honor of my impending success that I am going to periodically offer a few tips and tricks as I come across them myself:

Tip #1 is for the garage and/or workshop. A spice rack, the flat ones that you can hang on the wall (as pictured), or the square ones that spin on a lazy susan, are perfect places to keep your screws, nails, nuts, washers, etc. The jars can be labeled and easily viewed from wherever they make their home.

If you have a large amount of screws, nails, nuts, washers, etc., a great way to always find the exact one you want is to put each type in a different drawer. On the front of that drawer, get a glue gun and glue one of screws, nails, nuts, washers, etc., to the drawer. This way you can always go right to the drawer you need without having to pull out every drawer in the shop just to find the right size screw.

I have two ideas for slogans. One is, "Eliminate chaos and clutter - get organized!" The other is, "Organizing your home; organizing your life!" Any comments as to your favorite slogan would be much appreciated.

WE Make Our Day

2010-08-14T11:01:00.003-07:00

As much pondering as I do (I really need to get a life), I realized this morning just how much in charge of our daily grind we are. Much like this gull who wanted tartar sauce with his fish and decided he was going to go ahead and help himself to what was left on the table, since obviously no one was going to finish it. I swear I saw that gull smile after polishing off the tartar sauce and humming a merry tune as he finished and took flight.

Because I so greatly battle with low/no self-esteem on, what seems like, an hourly basis these days, I in turn live with so much depression and all too quickly grasp the negative side of things before I do the positive.

This morning I decided to take action because this crap is getting me nowhere. I wrote out three great positive affirmations and “arted” them up a bit. They are now taped to my bathroom mirror where I will see them first thing every morning and hopefully where they will sink into my soul subliminally. The first one says, “You ARE Somebody.” The second one reads, “You are WORTH IT,” and the third one says, “YOU make your life. Take the good and F*&# the bad.”

While conducting my online research this morning I happened across this fantastic article on E-How entitled, “How to Create Positive Affirmations.” Another article I stumbled upon is entitled, “Positive Attitude and Affirmations.”

If you lead a life that is mostly negative and/or depressed, maybe these articles can help to guide you in a healthier direction. I am amazed at how powerful suggestion is and how our mindset can alter our physical health.

The other important thing to remember is that WE make our day, we make every day…alone. We can share our time with those around us and those we love, but ultimately we must rely on ourselves to bring happiness and fulfilled goals into our lives.

I know I feel better already, like there is hope and that I can climb out of this deep abyss. I am hopeful that this will help anyone out there struggling to find some light and turn their lives around and that they don’t depend on others for their happiness.

A Nostalgic Journey

2010-07-23T20:06:00.001-07:00

A trip that began with such ambivalence turned out to be filled with wonderful memories and a reconnection with close friends.

My son and I, along with my brother Scott and his family and my brother Bob and his wife, traveled back to our family home last month to spread our mother’s ashes. Although there was much sadness in the reason we were there, there was also such joy and empowerment in being able to finally give my mother her wish of getting to be back at her home again. I know in my heart it made her ecstatically happy and fulfilled. Thanks to the wonderful heart of the homeowner, we were able to spend the night in the home we grew up in and spread our mother in the back yard next to the beautiful flowers overlooking the ocean.

This was the first time my son got to see the ocean and it was so awesome to watch him gaze in amazement at its vastness and beauty. He kept saying, “I can’t get over how there is all this water and then absolutely nothing beyond it, not any kind of land or anything. In the desert there is nothing but land.”

It was a time of sadness, a time of joy, a time of family and closeness and a time of excitement and nostalgia. God how I missed that clean sea air.

Why Do Some People Think They Are Royalty?

2010-07-04T10:24:00.001-07:00

Why is it, that even though we are all put here on earth in an equal manner, some people think they have the right to govern over everyone around them? You know who I mean. Those people with superior attitudes who take liberties to create an environment in which everything is to their advantage, no matter who it affects.

This subject came barreling at me yesterday while at work. There is an employee there who thinks that because he has been there so long he can just walk in and do things like turn of the lights in the bay while we’re working, even though the boss wants them on, or yell at people right in their face for stupid things like moving a cup. I know when you work with people you have to be a team player, but I don’t think he got that memo. Or maybe he did get the memo and it didn’t suit him so he ran it through the shredder. He reminds me of Peter Pan, never wanting to grow up. He wants the world to cater to his needs and doesn’t give a damn about giving back. When I was young they called it spoiled, but at this person’s age, it’s just sad.

I also love the people who think they are so important that they can cut through a line of twelve people right up to the counter and demand that they be helped. Where does this come from, I ask you? While it is fabulous to love yourself and have a strong sense of self worth, it is quite another thing to take it just across that fine line and dive into the sea of self-importance.

Again, and as I have mentioned in previous posts, it would seem that balance is the key to all of life. It is the act of teetering on that thin wire, hanging hundreds of feet off the ground, trying desperately not to fall off, that makes us either have no self esteem, or an abundance. The people who walk the line without so much as a wobble, those are the balance ones. Those are the people who actually get it.

I strive for balance and have been changing my life every day to reach that goal. I’ve never had it, well not much of it, in any part of my life, but now I have my eye on the prize and the prize is a balanced life. I no longer wish to sit back in the shadows, nor do I wish to be royalty. I just want to be balanced and centered and hopefully life as I know it will flourish.

What IS it with Discrimination????

2010-05-23T09:52:00.002-07:00

As the world “evolves” and as we evolve with our societal upbringing, how is it that discrimination has not yet been wiped clean from the planet?

I work in a field which requires a lot of physical labor as well as wiring trailers and installing wiring for hitches. Yesterday these two young guys came into the building and wanted to rent a piece of our equipment to tow a vehicle. The other customer service representative I was working with helped them initially but then asked me if I would go out and hook up the equipment as soon as they attached a ground wire to their truck.

Now the demeanor of these men seemed quite nice as I listened to them converse with the assistant manager who was helping them in the store. As soon as I went outside and greeted them with a “Hello, how are you today?,” the nastier of the two stood up and said, rather curtly, “I need something to put this in with,” and he handed me a self-tapping screw. I work with self-tapping screws all the time and they have a hexagon shape to the head and in the middle a place for a Phillips screwdriver. It can be inserted with either a hex bit or a screwdriver. Anyway, I handed him a drill with a Phillips bit in it and ten seconds later he is asking the assistant manager for a hex bit. I went over and asked if he needed something else and he said, again very curtly, “You gave me this bit. It’s not the right one. This is a hex.” To which I replied, “Yes but these screws can be inserted with a Phillips bit as well and it is how we do it.” He replied, “Well that’s dumb it’s a hex bit and it needs to be put in with only a hex bit.” I then bent down to pick up the bit that he threw on the floor (trying to keep the steam from escaping my ears) and as I was bending he yelled, “HEY, I’M NOT DONE WITH THAT!” I said, “I thought you said you didn’t want the Phillips bit?” “OH, I thought you were taking the drill.”

I walked back inside the building and informed the assistant manager that he would have to deal with them. I was getting to the point that I was going to go off on them and that is not a good thing in the retail biz. The assistant manager, a man, said that they were really friendly and courteous with him, but that some men just don’t think women know how to do a “man’s” job or that they should even be working in a “man’s” field.

Well, to all of you men out there who feel that way, I have this to say to you: GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Technorati Tags: dscrimination,men,women,rude

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

2010-05-09T12:38:00.001-07:00

The greatest achievement in my life is that of my son. Not the fact that I raised him alone, but more the fact that he turned our to be such an awesome person (not that I’m partial or anything). He is caring, sharing, loving and intelligent (not to mention handsome).

To all of you mother’s (or single dads) out there, take pride in the fruits of your labor and HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!

Adult Onset A.D.D.

2010-05-09T10:55:00.001-07:00

I never would have guessed that I would ever find myself facing such a thing as A.D.D. in my adult life, never having had it as a child, however it seems that is the case as I have recently discovered.

I wonder what it is about labels and our need to apply them to everything these days? Most likely A.D.D. has been around for years and years but someone decided it needed a label and thought one up. This disorder is mostly associated with children, however there are those few adults who acquire the disorder during the latter part of their life. I was just diagnosed as being “borderline” A.D.D., which by my standards, has always has always presented itself as a nervous contiion.

Of course when “diagnosed” or “labeled” with anything new, I immediately get online and research all there is to know about the recent affliction. A.D.D., or Attention Deficit Disorder as I understand its definition, means that I am not able to pay attention to one task at a time and see it through to its completion; that I am easily sidetracked and that my thoughts are all over the place. I have to admit, this is true, moreso now, than ever in the past, and while it can be hard to deal with at times, most of the time it just feels normal to me. I do manage to get things done, maybe not all at once, but I do come back to them and get them finished.

If you ever feel like your life is spinning out of control in some direction and your thoughts are all jumbled and disorganized, research the possibility of A.D.D. Even though it is just a label, I find I feel better knowing that there are exercises I can do to improve my brain function and ways to keep myself calm without the use of western medicine.

DISPOSABLE WORLD

2010-03-22T21:03:00.001-07:00

The sad truth, which I had to face as it came crashing through my lens today, is that we live in a disposable world. Litter is abundant. It’s wreaked havoc on every town and every city in every state and every country. There are many laws about littering, but they don’t seem to be enforced, at least not strongly. This is such a pet peeve for me, the worst being the person who flicks their lit cigarette out of the car window, especially here in this dry, fire-hazardous desert.

When did we get so lazy? I can remember as a child having to get up off of the couch to turn the television channel. We ate from glass plates and used cloth napkins. Most things were packaged either in cardboard, paper or glass. Soda was sold in glass bottles which were redeemable for cash and 100% recyclable.

Although it seems that the invent of plastic is a wonderful thing, for it brings us such ease, it is the single most littered item. Wrappers from cheese slices, water bottles, soda bottles, Styrofoam plates and plastic diapers flood the landfills as well as thousands of other non-biodegradable plastic products.

Sure it’s great to toss that little plastic tray into the microwave and eat the ready-made, frozen three-course meal with the ease of tossing it in the waste bin afterward, and it’s so quick to change the baby and throw away the diaper without having the bother of the cloth diapers, you know, rinsing them out in the toilet and washing loads of diapers, but with all this ease comes a price. A high price. Disease, especially cancer, I suspect is a direct result of the chemicals we put into the plastics we eat and drink from and the fumes they emit from the waste stations. It pollutes the air we breathe and the water we drink. There is now no easy solution as we have been overrun by our own creation.

So, not only are we poisoning ourselves, we are enabling obesity, heart disease, stroke and other health problems linked to “not enough exercise.” I now make a conscious effort to be as physical as possible in my everyday life. I found a job that requires physical labor, I make 7 or 8 trips to and from the truck to bring my groceries into the house, I pull weeds when I see them, I wash the truck at home, I keep the phone at a distance so when it rings I have to physically get up to answer it; whatever it takes. I even gave away all of my plastic food storage containers and purchased only glass bowls and casserole dishes to keep in the house. We are almost plastic free, in our kitchen especially. From this and this alone, I have lost almost 10 pounds and counting. I didn’t give up any foods, but made a conscious choice to cook healthier meals and to read the ingredients listed in the products I buy. My new rule is if I can’t pronounce it, I have no business eating it. Period.

I find it sad that we live in such a disposable world, but I have decided that I will do whatever it takes to exert myself whenever possible and just say no to plastic as often as I can.

Technorati Tags: Litter,plastic,exercise,glass

Why Women Stay

2010-02-22T18:31:00.001-07:00

Have you ever dared to venture down the path of uncertainty, only to be met with the wrath of insanity?

This is what I think it is like to be stuck in a relationship with an abusive person and not know how to get out of it.

I recently read an article on why women stay, although it works both ways and there are women who abuse men who don’t know how to abandon their situation either. About 20 years ago, I found myself in the same situation, although the abuse was mostly mental, emotional and verbal, and for about 8 years I went through this horrible pattern of wanting to fix him and believing him when he said, over and over again, how he would change and how things would be different. I wanted to believe this, very much, because I loved him, at least I thought I did. Eventually he sank deeper and deeper into his abyss, the cheating, the drinking and the methamphetamines, dragging my son and I in after him, and he finally presented me with a reason to leave: waking me up at three a.m. with a rifle in his hand, telling me to get out and that I couldn’t take my son with me when I left. That was it. That was when I finally snapped. I got up, got dressed, picked up my three-year-old son, bundled him up, and, as I made my way to the door with my back to the man with the rifle in his hand, said, “Shoot me.” I drove down the street to where my friend lived and stayed there until my son and I moved to Arizona.

I made it out alive and somewhat sane, but so many people aren’t as lucky. I realized that what made me stay for so long and take so much abuse (which technically I was allowing to happen) was the fact that I had no confidence, no self-esteem at all, that I didn’t like myself and didn’t feel that I was worth any better. How did this happen to me? How did I get so down on myself? I am a good person with talent and the ability to accomplish whatever I set my mind to, so when did I lose my self-worth? The answer? I never had it. My father drank a lot during my childhood and adulthood and every other time, okay he was an alcoholic, and every time he was in one of his drunken stupors I would be pulled out of bed at 1:00 in the morning on a school night and made to listen to speeches on how the world was going to “kick me in the ass,” and other such wisdom. Even though my relationship with my father wasn’t so great, my mother maintained a slightly unnoticed (mostly unspoken) jealously of my relationship with my dad. I don’t know why she thought it was anything more than what it appeared to be on the surface, but that jealously prevented us from being close until my father passed away and, with that obstacle removed, we became extremely close.

If anyone reading this finds themselves a victim of an abusive relationship and doesn’t know how to get out of it, know this one thing: No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. You are unique, a one-of-a-kind creation filled with beauty and wonder. Like yourself, no, love yourself for who you are and develop the confidence to step out of the abuse and move on. Tell yourself that you ARE worthy of all things good and wonderful and if you are with a person who needs to be “fixed,” then examine all of the reasons you are with this person. There are hotlines and programs available for you to reach out to and if you have children, they are being shaped by what they see at home, which is another reason to set a good and positive example.

Technorati Tags: abuse,love,confidence,jealousy,self-esteem,relationship,women,stay

SMILE

2010-02-22T17:22:00.005-07:00

Today was a day filled with discovery. As I browsed through my Happy Book in search of more fun pages to create and reflect upon, I came upon a page that read, “Fill this page with all the smiles you can find. Take pictures of people’s smiles (just the smiles!), collect smiles from magazines, draw your own...whatever you need to do to make this wall-to-wall happy.” The thing I found most intriguing about this concept is that it reminded me of a day a few years ago, when I just could not get out of the really bad mood and depression I was feeling. I told myself to just smile, all day, no matter what, and see what happens. Throughout the day my mood grew lighter and by smiling I actually brought on a really good mood from something that seemed to have began so horribly.

As I leafed further through the book, I happened upon a page with a quote on top that read, “Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.” That just speaks volumes to me. I see more of the negative aspects of my life than I do the positive ones and it keeps me from growing in a healthy direction.

This book has been a Godsend, I mean a Dawnsend, as she is the one who sent it to me. The title is so apropos!
Try this one day when you feel like things aren’t going your way and see if it works for you. Dwell on the good and the joy and leave the not-so-good and other negative things for the day to swallow up and move on. Just smile. It really works.

Technorati Tags: smile,negative,positive,happy,book,joy

“Ghosts” In My Hallway

2010-02-07T14:33:00.001-07:00

If you’ve read my blog in the last couple of months, then you know that I recently lost my mother and my best friend, and while I know that every day I am healing just a bit more than the day before, something really eerie and wonderful happened to me yesterday. In my hallway hangs a picture of my mother and father that was taken in 1982 (I believe).

Now, usually when someone close to me passes, they visit me in some way or another and I can either feel their presence and/or things happen around the house to let me know they are there. Imagine my confusion when the one person I thought would surely visit me before she passed on, my mother, didn’t. At least I didn’t think so. When my mother was alive you only had to glance at her eyes to see her soul and her beauty, and when she passed away I looked at her face and realized as I looked into her eyes, that she wasn’t there anymore.

Yesterday I was walking down the hall, past this picture, and in my peripheral vision I caught a glimpse of something that made me double back. It was this picture, or rather something new in this picture. The eyes, my mother’s eyes, the one’s she had when she was alive, were in this picture. They didn’t move or anything, but when you looked into them it wasn’t like looking into the eyes of a flat photograph. She was IN there. While I am sure to many of you this may sound just plain crazy and impossible, I can tell you from my past experiences, this was as real as my sitting here typing this out.

I stood there for a moment, mesmerized, just staring at her eyes as she stared back, smiling at me, and then I could feel her, almost as though she wrapped her arms around me from behind. I broke into tears, but not tears of sadness, rather tears of joy that she DID come back to let me know she was all right and that everything was going to be fine.

So far she remains in the picture and I can’t help but pause and feel her when I walk by, but I think she will move on as soon as she is sure that we are healing and helping each other move on.

Technorati Tags: ghosts,mother,father,picture,pass,visit

New Item Added To My Store

2010-02-02T19:26:00.001-07:00

I just finished a new piece for my store. It is basically a portable filing cabinet. I find that using a large briefcase and trying to carry my purse is a bit much so I came up with this:

Front View: It’s about 12" wide and 10” tall.

Back View: pretty much the same but contains my label.

The closure features double-ended Velcro for easy opening on either side. The bamboo handles and gold hinges add to the theme of the paper used for the outside of the purse.

It opens to reveal a pendaflex file with 12 separate, plastic openings for regular sized files (which I have included).

Another view of the pendaflex opening with my files inside.

This was great fun (and a lot of work) to make, but I am so pleased with the results. I will be making many more of these to come.

Technorati Tags: file,pendaflex,purse,store,briefcase

Me, Me, Me

2010-01-31T19:04:00.001-07:00

While in the middle of a conversation this morning, it dawned on me just how many times a day I use the word “I” or “me.” Then I wondered if this was due to narcissistic tendencies or something even further out of the realm of my conscious life.

Upon deeper thought, I came to the conclusion that most of it is because of narcissism, but then again, what’s wrong with a certain level of narcissism anyway? We are born to this world alone and we leave it alone. In between we are very lucky if we get to share our lives with loved ones and acquaintances. Personally I have found that my greatest pleasure thus far has been the fact that I got to be a mother and share my life and my love with a totally terrific individual, to have the opportunity to help mold and shape him into the person he is today and the fact that the person he is today, isn’t totally tweaked in the head.

We are all we have in the most technical sense of the word. When you spend time alone, you have you. It isn’t as though there is no one there because you are someone and I have grown to accept and also love who I am, so when I am alone, I’m still with someone I love, even like to spend time with. So what’s wrong with using the word “I” and “me” to a certain degree? Nothing at all in my opinion, unless the degree of narcissism is so severe that a person loses sight of the fact that there are other people in the world and other people in their lives and that they are just as important as those people and not more important. I mean, it could get out of hand if you let it, but a certain degree of narcissism is extremely normal.

So, anyway, I decided that since it bothered me so, I was going to make a conscious effort to do more in the way of giving or sharing. The difficult part of this venture will be that I have very little or no money so the only thing I am able to give is my time and attention.

If anyone out there knows of some really great ways to give to others in need without having to donate money, please let me know. I would very much appreciate learning who and what is out there that I can help in either a small or large capacity. It’s time I did more for others and I want to start now.

Technorati Tags: Me,I,charity,narcissism,selflessness,normality

Everything Old Is New Again

2010-01-28T14:49:00.005-07:00

As I browsed through my ever-growing photo library, I noticed a particular theme throughout.
Everything old and everything that has been or could be fixed up or represented some other era, was something I was interested in taking pictures of and/or taking home.
What is it about broken down items and things of the past that makes someone like me draw to them, inexplicably? I think it’s either the fact that I like to fix things, always have, or the fact that it makes me wonder where the piece has been and if it could tell its story, what fascinating tells would it tell?
This is especially true for old barns and dilapidated buildings. It must be annoying for anyone traveling anywhere with me in the car because whether I’m driving or riding I’m either pulling over for every old barn and home or yelling, “Pull over, I need to take a picture of that old …,” and we undoubtedly arrive at our destination at a snail’s pace.
My home is full of antique furniture and antique ephemera, so much so that I think it is actually running my son and I out of the house, literally. We are going to have to move somewhere else and pay mortgage on this house just to store all of the antiques I have.
I am always looking for new antique items and websites so if anyone out there knows of any good websites, I would appreciate your letting me know.

Technorati Tags: old,new,antiques,picture,driving,riding

I'VE HAD A BLOGOVER (much like a makeover but with a blog)

2010-01-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

I am so excited by my new blogover. I was feeling like I needed a change for so long and then I remembered that my friend Graham over at One Man's Travels, had had his blog redecorated and by a fabulous designer. Her name is Chica. She is the owner/operator of Design Bug Graphic Design. So if your feeling like your blog is in a rut, take a look at what she can do for you. Her prices are very reasonable and she makes darn sure you are going to be happy and have what you want.

I HIGHLY recommend checking her out.

Thank you Chica - and my blog thanks you too. You rocked my blog.

RANDOM BEAUTY

2010-01-22T21:47:00.001-07:00

It truly amazes me at how much beauty there is in the world and how much we take for granted every day. I took this picture visiting Truth or Consequences, New Mexico a few months back and I'm not sure I truly appreciated just how beautiful this scene was at the time.

Looking it over today I realized how fortunate I was to have been able to have been there on such a calm day to actually capture this serene scene with my camera. And then I realized just how much beauty I take for granted every day, not just that which the eye can see, but all that the senses can take in; a child's voice saying, "I love you, Mom," the sound of rain falling against the desert floor, the scent of clean air, the gentle touch of a loved one, the taste of favorite foods. I could go on all day, but I won't.

Take in the beauty around you today and every day and realize how wonderful it is to be a part of it all.

I'VE EXPLODED!!!

2010-01-18T15:02:00.001-07:00

Well, not literally (that would be really messy), but definitely artistically. My dear friend Dawn of http://artistreborne.typepad.com/artist_reborne/ recently sent me a box of new-found sanity entitled, "The Happy Box." In it I discovered and actual Happy Book which rocked my socks off in its creativity and how we get to do daily activities, artistically of course, in a way that we discover what makes up really happy and helps us find the happiness in the day itself. It is a lot of fun and therapeutic as well. Please visit her site with the link above. She blogs about the book and gives more specifics than I have provided.

To retaliate happiness to her, the day I received the box I got on the internet and arranged it so that the next day she would have a man show up at her door (nothing kinky - darn it) to deliver huge "Thank You" balloons and a flower to her with a note card letting her know I received her box. She just called and told me that it was a creative way to let her know I got her package. I'm such a stinker!

Her family had gone through much sadness at the end of 2009 as did me and my family with loss and death. She decided that we were going to have a happy year this year damn it! I'm so glad she did.

The next thing I found in the box was a bookmark and 6x6 piece of paper with Zentangles drawn on them. They are beautiful. I was immediately drawn to these Zentangles as I had never really seen them before. She also sent me paper and pen so I could start Zentangling immeditately. Not only did I begin creating them immediately, but I'm on my fourth one right now. Not sure what a Zentangle is? Here is the first one I created last night:

I began this piece by drawing a simple ladder in the upper, left corner of the paper and from there I just exploded. It was as though all of those years that I hadn't picked up pen and paper (I used to draw incessantly) just raced out of me and onto the pages. The next few I have created I will mat and frame in a series of three. This is the one that will be on the bottom:

Also in the box was a set of beautiful note cards, a small "Thankful" journal she had made, and some really nice calendar sheets for 2010.

Thank you from my heart and artistic soul, Dawn. You always know how to lift my spirits.

I FINALLY DECIDED ON MY LIFE'S WORK

2010-01-18T14:01:00.001-07:00

I have wanted to have my own business since I can remember, but either never could settle on one thing or the other as I love to do so many things. Finally, through all of the turmoil as of late, I finally got it narrowed down to professional organizing. Organizing has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember and the one thing that has always brought me inner peace (weird, I know). I finally have my licenses and website and am ready for action. I hope this goes extremely well. I am SO excited. I hope you will stop by and check out my new website. I am really enjoying setting them up and I'm rather proud of this one.

I THINK, THERFORE I AM?

2010-01-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

Remember all of the books on the powers of positive thinking? I believe that was the era that created the phrase, "I think, therefore I am."

I have done a lot of pondering lately, mostly because since my mother died I am having to do so much processing to try to fill the void in my daily life where she used to be, and thought about how many of us think negatively throughout the day on a daily basis (me being president of the club lately). For instance, "I think I'm a loser," "I think I'm fat," "I think I'm unattractive," "I think I'm fat and unattractive," "I don't think I'll make it," "I don't think I'll ever amount to much," "I think I'm a bad parent," etc. So, therefore, if positive thinking is so very powerful, just imagine the power behind negative thinking.

I believe it would be a great treat to each and every one of us (and I am going to start this tomorrow - (oops, procrastination)), if everyone would wake up in the morning (which is always a great way to start the day, lol) and make a list of five positive things either IN their lives, or positive things they notice about themselves. I believe my list tomorrow will look something like this:

I think I am as good a person as everyone else.

I think my new business will be a huge success.

I think I will lose about 40 lbs. for health reasons, but I look good already

I think I am a lot of fun to be around and can make people laugh

I think I'm going to get to fly to France in the near future to see my good friend.

Now take the phrase, "I think" off of the beginning of the sentence it would look like this:

I am as good a person as everyone else.

my new business will be a huge success.

I will lose about 40 lbs. for health reasons, but I look good already

I am a lot of fun to be around and can make people laugh

I'm going to get to fly to France in the near future to see my good friend.

These are great affirmations, and you could either choose a new set of five each day or keep the same ones until you have them set in stone and them add new ones...whatever works for you. You could do more than five or less than five, but I would suggest no less than three.

No, this does not make us narcissistic. I like to think of it as a way to take a great big hammer and smash that negative little voice in your head that keeps you from really living your life the way you really want to. Age has a way of making us turn inward and examine where we have been and where we are headed, so I think if we master the poistive daily affirmations, the possibilities are endless.

Be good to you. You are worth it!

MY STORE IS UP AND RUNNING

2010-01-05T18:43:00.002-07:00

...well, technically not MY store, but my studio in the Artfire store is now up and ready to sell my stuff. I'm so excited about this. I worked on it all day and I think it turned out rather well.

If you get a chance, please stop by and visit my studio.

DEPRESSION SHMESSION

2009-12-31T18:15:00.000-07:00

What is depression anyway! To examine the meaning of a word, I usually try to find the root of that word; in this case, depress. Hmmm, to depress is to push something down, to keep something down, or in the emotional sense, keep happiness and positivity down, at least, that is how it appears to me.

I often hear people say, "Just get over it. If you think happy, you will be happy." Okay, so I say to myself, "Voila- you are happy." Strange, but my sudden realization of happiness eludes me. I feel no overwhelming sensation to smile, no emotional euphoric bathing, not even the urge to giggle. So I think, "Damn, I must be doing this wrong. Okay okay, let's try again. You are happy. Think happy thoughts." I try for several minutes and again, I'm just not getting that instant gratification, which I look for in so many areas of life. I wonder if it's supposed to be instantaneous. Maybe there is a set amount of time to wait before the euphoria kicks in. That's it. That must be what I'm doing wrong. Again I try the verbal boost and this time I wait for over an hour, but nothing happens. Okay, I guess I'm just not getting this whole "talk yourself into it" thing.

What then, is the answer? The answer is, and it's taken me so long to discover this, self-acceptance. Now a lot of people say that it is self love, but I argue with them on this fine point. I love myself, I love myself quite a lot actually, but I don't always agree with myself on the decisions I make and the paths I choose. An example of this was evident to me today. I was invited to a person's house to later join them at a local pub for a New Year's celebration of drinking and dancing. While this sounded like a total blast, there is such a huge part of me that refuses to let me go out and really have some fun and laugh and enjoy people and positive surroundings. Why? I ask. Am I some kind of a martyr? Maybe, but the fact is that I don't accept my choice to go out and have fun. I don't accept sometimes that I am worthy of enjoying myself without a whole lot of guilt. I don't accept that I could choose to have fun and actually manage to accomplish that feat. If I did accept those things about myself then I believe the choice would have been clear, that I would have said yes to the invitation in a heartbeat and not thought twice about going home, getting dressed up and heading out for an evening of fun. This is but one example, but one that I feel illustrates my belief in self acceptance.

My point? We need not only to love ourselves, which don't get me wrong, is extremely vital, but to wholeheartedly accept ourselves, the decisions we make, the paths we choose and every other aspect of our lives. We need to realize that we are but human and prone to err. To err is to learn and to learn is to grow. Growing is what we do in life from the time we are born to the time we pass on, to whatever is next, and is vital to survival.

So, although I am a long time sufferer, I am learning to say "depression shmession!!!" (say that three times fast.) And so I say, unto yourself be loving, be accepting, be living.

BLOG AWARD

2009-12-24T11:48:00.003-07:00

Much to my surprise today I received a blog award from: Home Office Furniture

which you can view at: http://homefurnituredepot.net/blog_awards/index.php?id=2241

Thank you Home Office Furniture for this award and exposure and I hope the exposure on my blog will show my appreciation.

FLOUNDERING

2009-12-19T16:15:00.009-07:00

Have you ever heard people who are missing a limb comment that they can still feel it? Like it's still there and sometimes it itches or tingles? I have decided that that is the best way to describe the way I feel right now. My mother's battle with cancer came to an end last week. Guess who won! So much a part of my everyday life involved either calling her, going by her house, having her over to spend the night and/or going on trips together. Now that she is gone it's as though I can still feel here there.

I started to go to her house the other day and I've picked up the phone twice to call her. While I am sure that my behavior is quite within the norm, it feels quite abnormal. I am floundering all over the place, wondering day to day where I should be, who I can talk to and what I'm going to do without my best friend in my life.

I just realized how grateful I am that I write. It is the one area of my life that gives me clarity. No matter what I am going through or how confused I ever become, I know that by writing about it or writing one of my books or poems, I can figure out how to get through it. It isn't so much that I get an epiphany, but rather more of a clarity, a mirror, if you will, looking at myself from another angle.

I often wonder if I appreciate everything I have. Though the dark clouds of foreclosure loom over our heads like an evil poltergeist, wreaking havoc and fear, I can still see that I have a LOT materialistically, but I have even more spiritually, in my son and myself. If only I appreciated myself to the fullest I think I would get more out of life. To finally trust myself and let myself be free enough to have fun wherever and whenever. I think that is the direction I am finally headed in this stage of my life and it's about time. I am so blessed by the love of my son and the fact that he is such a great person. In retrospect, I am really quite wealthy, I just don't have any money. (See? Writing helps).

To find a solution to this floundering would be a welcome comfort, and I realize in time I will do so, but right now I have no idea what path to wander down. I am open for suggestions if anyone has them to offer.

LIFE? IN THE DESERT?

2009-12-06T20:30:00.006-07:00

Having been fortunate to grow up on the beautiful Northern, California coastline, and then having to have made the transition to the southwest desert life (because my move here was not necessarily my choice), has been quite an arduous adjustment, I must say.

As you know, if you read my blog, I am an avid photographer. Since relocating to the desert I have enjoyed the challenging exploration for interesting landscape images, and it was during one of my recent explorations that I began questioning how life in the desert (any desert) first emerged.

Where I grew up the ocean was on one side of us and redwood forest on the other. Green was rampant, which was great as it is my favorite color. Cool days and clean air filled my senses and beautiful scenery filled my soul. As I made my journey to the far south, three-year-old son and U-Haul in tow, I began to notice vast sparsity emerging the further south I traveled. Recently, I guess I've just been very analytical these days, I have begun to wonder who it was that came upon this red dirt which harbored evil plant life, armed to reach out and prick passersby, and very little water, and said, "Wow, this would be a great place to live. There is little water and many thorny plants, not to mention an abundant amount of ornery creatures, of which the deadly diamondback snake comes to mind. We should settle here and raise our children." Okay, so I'm thinking masochists (or sadists depending on how it took place).

If you have allergies, forget about it, dust is not often, it is infinite and thick and you must dust on an hourly basis, if you enjoy dusting, that is. I do it, but do not enjoy it. Even if you never had allergies before, trust me, you will develop them upon relocation. Things to look forward to? Maybe to some, however first chance I get - I'm heading North again, to Brookings Oregon, preferably. Don't give up on me Trish, I'm on my way!!!

MEMORY LANE

2009-11-14T21:28:00.011-07:00

I feel that my recent posts are all about sad moments and hard times, but, unfortunately, and in an odd way fortunately, these are the days of my life as of recent.

If you read my last post you know that my mother has been fighting cancer for over a year now and has recently come to a fork in the road where her treatment is concerned. She has run out of conventional western medicine options, i.e. radiation and chemotherapy, and has finally agreed to, what I feel is a more hopeful and realistic approach ~ the naturopathic approach.

Having no means to hire a private nurse, my brothers and I have been staying with my mother 'round the clock as she is very weak and has also just suffered a mild stroke. Although attempting to keep a job, spend time with my son and run two households has proven a bit on the challenging side, taking care of my mother has nonetheless, brought back memories that I thought were dead and gone. Just yesterday as I lay on the bed next to my mother. I began to reminisce about a time when I was 5 or 6...I made sure that wherever my mom went, there I was...on the couch, on the phone, in the bathroom, cooking dinner, and when company came over, being the shy child I was, wrapped around her leg while she smoked and chatted with her friends at the kitchen table. I've been reflecting on the birthday parties, Christmases and holiday meals, all of which were put together with such love that you felt so special to have a mother who went to such lengths to please those around her.

As the years passed (and quite rapidly might I add), my brothers and I obtained lives of our own...busy lives, much like the trend in today's society dictates we should live. We've stayed close in an "obligatory" manner, but the actual sibling comradery we shared seems to have dwindled through the years, except when we are all together with our mother. Lately I've recalled memories of the three of us skateboarding down the driveway and local streets, riding our mini-bike through the fields, and making up fun things to do in the big pile of dirt at the side of our house. We took long walks with the dog in tow, through the redwood forest on the other side of the street. We had picnics on the beach and shared secrets with each other.

I am so happy that these memories have been flooding my brain as of late, and yet so curious as to their purpose. Was I meant to take this trip down memory lane to better appreciate what my family is going through and maybe bring back some the innocence and love we shared in childhood? To make sure that my brothers and I remain a family unit in case of my mother's unfortunate passing? To appreciate all the good things we shared in life and not dwell to deeply on the hurt feelings and sad times one experiences through life? Maybe all of the above. It's as though I'm being told, "This is your life Kimber (a name my mother always calls me). Some restrictions may apply." It aint all good, but honey, it aint all bad either.

I get it now! Stop dwelling on the hurts of long ago. Stop being that angry little girl who couldn't let it all go, no matter what it was. We are shaped by the past, but the future is all that matters, and then only on a daily basis. Shape the future into what you want. Be happy ~ seriously ~ it's a choice and it's just that easy to make. You can choose to be sad, but you can equally choose to be happy and just enjoy everyone and everything around you. Stop taking things for granted. Stop working so much that you don't have time to spend with the family you made in the home you built together. Money is the driver, the root of all of today's evil, our economical plight, our lack of jobs and growth of homeless and hungry.

If nothing else, this trip down memory lane has taught me to open my eyes and really look up at life with childlike astonishment and wonder. If you get the chance, observe a child one day as he/she discovers new things in awe. We should never lose that!!!

THE BRAVEST WOMAN I KNOW...

2009-10-23T21:28:00.002-07:00

This is my mother. As I grew up I thought she was the most beautiful mother, inside as well as out. There were times however, as I moved into puberty, that I thought she was too timid for her own good. She gave in to people and didn't stand up for herself when I thought she should have. As I grew older I came to realize that my mother was raised to be this way, as she was raised in Virginia during a time when it was considered "lady-like" to be mousy and succumb to your husband's every whim, not to mention the childrens' whims.

I was lucky. Although I was shy as a child, I was born with a strong and stubborn personality. I could never understand why my mother allowed herself to be everything to everyone, but never to herself. I don't believe I have ever met a more selfless person than she, and as much as I love and respect her, I wanted so much more for her.

When my father died, my son and I moved to Arizona to be near my mother because I wanted my son to grow up with his grandmother in his life, as I did mine. As the years passed I realized that my mother finally wanted more for herself and for her needs. I encouraged this as much as possible and tried on every level to get her to stand up for herself and not take shit off of anyone. Much to my excitement, years later, she is now the strongest woman I know, surpassing myself by furlongs. We grew so much closer when my son and I moved to Arizona those twelve years ago, and now I have the best friend I have ever known.

In August of 2008, we discovered my mother had stage 4 lung cancer. Not only was it a shock to find out she had cancer, as she has always been the healthiest person ever, but to be at stage four? True, she smoked a lot of years, but she quit almost 8 years prior to this treacherous discovery. Since August of 2008, my mother has fought literally for her life. Could this be the same timid person from my youth? She not only gained her identity, but the strength of a thousand lions preparing to fight. Through a year and a half of radiation, three types of chemotherapy, herbal remedies, and a collapsed lung, through highs and lows, ups and downs, this woman has stepped up to the plate. Of course there were hard times and bad times, but through it all she has remained the epitome of strength and beauty and enjoyed getting out there and living life to the fullest.

Several days ago, after enjoying much success in her fight against this relentless beast, we went to the oncologist to check on her progress as we do every three or four months. This time we were told that the cancer was back, that her lungs were fully invaded along with her spleen and the collapsed lung. The doctor, a man with a horrible bedside manner, looked at us and told us there was really nothing more he could do and that there was no hope. He said that she maybe had eight weeks left to live. My heart sank and I looked at my mother who sat there shaking her head rationally as though to say, "I understand." She showed no fear and no sad emotion until we left the office. I don't know if I could have done that. Not after such gut-wrenching news. The past few days have been filled with struggle and sorrow, sadness and fear, but we have decided to try the more aggressive chemo again, along with milk thistle to try to eradicate the cancer from the liver and wherever else it will reach. I am not giving up on her, and I think after today, neither is she.

I wouldn't have believed it 20 years ago if someone had told me how strong my mother would prove to be, but here she is battling like Xena - Warrior Princess, and I couldn't more proud and thankful that she is my mother and my best friend.

ANGER = DIS-EASE?

2009-10-16T09:05:00.007-07:00

This morning at 8:00 a.m. as my disrespectful neighbor decided to open the door of his house that faces my home and belligerently blast his music to 110 decibels, I felt red, hot anger rise up and seethe in my head and my body. I lost track of everything I was doing, ultimately burning the bacon, while I was in the process of calling the police and having them address this situation with him for the nth time this week. I snapped at my son when he came into the room. I began to shake with such venom that I could not control it. Finally the police arrived and he turned the music off. For hours after this I could not think of anything pleasant or get my morning back on track. I managed only to try to understand why he feels the need to be so rude and disrespectful toward me. It seems he plays it just loud enough for me to be disturbed, and opens only the door that faces my house, and therefore, disturbs none of the other neighbors. I have done nothing to bother this man, but he take great pleasure in making sure he bothers my son and I.

It was at that point that I realized just how much damage I let him do to me. I let him ruin what would otherwise have been a very pleasant morning. I let him change my mood into an angry and unhealthy one, and I let him spoil the nice time my son and I would have had at breakfast. Notice I use the phrase, "I let him," because ultimately had I not chosen to go there and dwell upon all of this unpleasantness, this would be a non issue.

Anger = dis-ease and dis-ease = illness and unpleasantness, which can well up into an unrelenting cancer. If there is one thing I learned recently it is that holding anger and other ugly emotions inside without dealing with them, results in pain and illness. Having attended that fabulous retreat got me to the point that I can sit back after the fact and realize what happened and what I could have done in the moment. I now understand how to slough off the bad from the situation, but I need to understand how to do this in real time, as it happens, and make better choices.

I think I am making great progress in this area, especially for such an impatient Taurus with a Virgo rising. LOL.

The lesson today? Just breathe!!!!!!

JUST BREATHE...

2009-10-05T19:25:00.008-07:00

As we made our way home from New Mexico, four weary but spiritually enhanced travelers, daylight ebbed into dusk creating the most entrancing sunset I have seen in years. I took this picture out of the window of the car we were traveling in. It seemed as though the clouds had frenzied themselves into a tornado, but it was just a spectacular formation. This photo is completely unenhanced.

Our spiritual retreat this past weekend introduced me to Shelly, a woman with shamanic healing ability, and a kind and generous soul. She guided the four of us onto our respective, intended paths, and taught us how to redirect the negative energies plaguing our emotional and physical beings.

I think the most important thing I learned was how to breathe. I had not realized it before, but I don't breathe much on any given day. I was guided in how to open all of the seven chakras and how to breathe up through them. I learned the method of breathing from the abdomen as opposed to my usual, shallow chest breathing, and how to tell the difference between the two. As I progressed and practiced throughout the weekend, I could not believe how much better I felt. It was as though each breath pulled new and fresh energy and life inside me as each exhale released years upon years of negativity and dis-ease. I have made a vow to myself that each day shall be filled with this conscious breathing until one day, quite on its own, it becomes a natural phenomenon and not a conscious endeavor. When I reach that point I know I will have crossed into another plain of existence.

Thank you Shelly for the the awesome lessons learned (and the great cooking), thank you Anna and Tiffany for the chance to share this trip with you and get to know one another on a deeper level, and thank you Andy for coming along, even though your foot, ribs and finger were broken. We were an awesome foursome.

IN SEARCH OF...

2009-09-29T21:11:00.011-07:00

I just got back from having the best massage I've ever had, and I have to say, aside from the obvious pleasure of knotted muscle giving way to deep kneading, I enjoyed discovering my chakras and learning their colors and respective purposes.

I have always been a very spiritual person, not in the sense really that I have ever belonged to one religion or sect in particular, but in the sense of nurturing and exploring the individual spirit and its journey. I envision life as a beautiful and dense redwood forest, replete with mighty oak trees. Through this forest lies thousands of paths, twisting and forking their way through its density, sunlight beaming through open spaces in random places. Our journey winds us through this forest and down these paths, not just one path, but many different forks, all chosen for us and laid out on a grand map that we can never know on a conscious level. We must take each and every path, the good, the not so good, and the indifferent. Yes, we have free will and yes, we can can make our own choices, however those choices are launching pads to set us off in the direction we need to obtain our ultimate destination. A good example of this would be the "not so good" choices I made when I was in my twenties and how most of those results seemed quite horrible at the time, but out of all the muck, I emerged with this awesome soul as my son. I'm so fortunate to be able to share my journey with this intelligent, spiritual and loving soul and if I had not made those particular choices, he would not be in my life and I would be on a completely different path.

I guess the reason all of this was dancing through my mind is because I am fortunate enough to be able to embark on a spiritual journey/retreat this weekend with some very close and spiritual friends. We are traveling to T or C New Mexico and going to the hot springs there with a waterfall, eating foods grown locally, and staying with a shaman who will lead us with drumming circles and other spiritual ventures.

I am learning every day that life is one big learning tree and if we are smart, we learn from each and every thing, even the minute and minuscule ones that we take for granted every day. With age comes wisdom and with wisdom comes the ultimate pwer and excitement of getting to know and understand ourselves on a deeper and deeper level. Every day we are in search of something, whether it's finding your keys, your other sock, or your cell phone, lessons are learned and paths are followed deeper and deeper into the forest's abyss, in search of...

Life Rocks!!!!!

EBB AND FLOW

2009-09-01T09:31:00.006-07:00

I was sitting at my craft desk yesterday, diligently working on a new purse design. My day was quiet, reflective and very peaceful. It was upon this realization, that my 16-year-old son came home from school with great news; he had been selected for the National Honor Society, fifth year running. I was elated and this news only added to my perfect day, however, much to my chagrin, the day was about to become less perfect by the moment.

I told my son what a wonderful honor that was and how excited I was, only to be met with an attitude of complacency and indifference. I couldn't believe it when he said he didn't know if he wanted to join this year, his Junior year of all years, because he thought it would keep him too busy. Not only that, but the knowledge bowl team that he wanted to join at the beginning of the year, looked like it might keep him too busy also. This is a boy who has wanted to go to college since he was 10. We have been working on his college path ever since that decision because with my income, scholarships are the only way he is ever going to be able to get into college. Needless to say, his lackadaisical attitude turned my perfect day into a combative night. We fought and argued (as is much the case with us these days), until I could muster no more strength. I wrote out my feelings rather than shouting at him, and went to bed. He wrote me a note to apologize for his flip attitude and for the way he has been snapping at me lately and left it for me to read when I woke up this morning.

After much soul searching and assessment, I realized how life is in a constant state of ebb and flow and rise and fall. The tide ebbs and flows as does the weather, the cycles of the moon, the sun and the seasons. Life would be but dull with constant flow and no ebb. We need the rise and fall in all aspects of living.

Although the turmoil of last night lingers in my head and emotions, I know this is only his path, to find his direction in life and to search his soul for the meaning of his life and where he wants it to go. I cannot push my hopes for him and for his future if they are not things that will work on his path.

And so, as the tide and the seasons, I have to learn to ebb and flow with the rest of creation and ride out this torrential storm known as "teenage." May God be with me and give me strength!

TO LOVE A CHILD

2009-08-31T20:37:00.012-07:00

To love a child is a selfless act. It sparks the moment we conceive, and lasts to the very edge of the moment we transition into death.

A word that best describes our relationship with our children? Empathy. I choose this word as it is the only one I can think of in the wide world of vocabulary that accurately depicts what I have felt since my son's inception: Empathy:

* I cried when he was born and the doctor slapped him;
* I felt the pain during his first shot;
* I cried at night when neither one of us could figure out what
was wrong and why we couldn't sleep;
* I rooted for him as he struggled to his knees to crawl and
eventually to his feet to walk;
* I laughed hysterically the first time he discovered something
funny;
* I cinched with pain from every "owie" inflicted from falling
down and slamming fingers in doors;
* I sunk with depression when we had to leave each other on
his first day of day care;
* I rejoiced in the beauty of his first art creation as it was the
most beautiful thing we'd ever seen;
* I burst with pride when he was the first in his class to read
and on a level three times his grade;
* I felt great achievement for every report card ever brought
home;
* I hung on every word when someone would comment on
what a wonderful person he'd become;
* I walked on cloud nine when he had his first crush;
* My heart broke the first time his was broken and we cried
together;
* I feel every agonizing moment of frustration and confusion
through is teenage angst;

...and I'm torn between pride and loneliness with the anticipation of him setting out on his own. I know he will in some way, big or small, better the lives he touches and make the most of every aspect of life he chooses to live.

Thank you God, as I have known no greater gift than my son and the wonderful opportunity to love a child.

FIRST DANCE OF THE YEAR

2009-08-29T14:30:00.004-07:00

Well, it's official, school is in. My son has begun his Junior year of high school and last night was the first dance of the year. This is a picture of my son Brice and his friend Morgan. I drove them to the dance last night and it was great listening to them chat in the back seat about all the weird things only they could come with. Oh the memories - LOL.

Sad to think that in a few short years I am going to suffer hard from empty nest syndrome. Oey!!!!

TWO NEW CIGAR BOX PURSES FINISHED!!!

2009-08-09T16:24:00.013-07:00

THE QUEST BEGINS...

2009-07-28T15:26:00.003-07:00

The time has finally arrived - it's official - I am old. My son has worked all summer long with one main goal---buying a car for himself. I told him I would match whatever he could make and that it should amount to enough for a decent starter car. Little did I realize he grossed a little over $2,000.00 this summer. DANG, I think I need to go to work at McDonald's. They pay pretty well.

Brice has had his permit since he was fifteen-and-a-half. He turned 16 this past June 20th and has been chomping at the bit ever since. I remember that feeling of desperately wanting to drive by myself and have my own transportation, which in my mind, equaled freedom. Woo hoo!!! Wow, where has the time gone?

When I was young I used to laugh at people who said things like, "Life is short...", or "It'll pass you by before you know it..." I thought, wow 80 or 90 years of life seems like a long time to live and would take a long time to reach. Even though I am now just 47 (and feel 85), I look at where my son is in life and think, he's going to leave me in just two short years. Before I had him, I could never imagine my life with a child in it, and now, I have a hard time imagining it without him constantly there, in my house, in my every day life. This "empty nest" syndrome, as it is called, is sneaking up on me quickly. I think I need a battle plan for when he leaves, although I can immediately think of so many things I want to do right off the bat. Hmmm, I may actually like this situation...and then he could still visit...LOL. But, as usual, I digressed, again.

There is a young man where I work at UHaul who is a master mechanic at the ripe old age of 21. He is really great at it. He constantly buys and sells vehicles and lately has been trying to come up with a vehicle for my son. Bless his heart, I think it is a mechanic thing, but the cars he is coming up with have killer engines, but no back seat and/or ripped up interior. I'm like, dude, we need a whole car - tee hee.

Hopefully by September I will have the money we need to finance a SMALL, 4-cylinder vehicle for him, and many bottles of Valium for me. We are about to embark on a whole new era for us both. He now gets to take off and go out there and do his thing. I now get to come home and worry about where he is and if he's safe and when he's coming back. I'm sure this worry on my part will subside eventually, but for now, it is strong and anticipatory. My friend, Annie's son, Ryan, has been driving for over a year now and he recently soloed a trip that was about three hours from where they live. She said she called him like every half hour asking things like, "Are you okay? Have you stopped and gassed up? Has anyone been bothering you? Are you there yet? How much longer do you have to get there?" Yup, that's gonna be me. Poor Brice. LOL!!!!!

I FINALLY FINISHED THE CIGAR BOX PURSE

2009-07-09T15:43:00.012-07:00

Wow, has life been keeping me busy lately, or what? It seems the older I get, the busier I am. Now that I am working a job that involves full physical labor in the hot Arizona sun, I come home and I'm just wiped and ready to eat and sleep and nothing else.

I started this cigar box purse about a month ago and have only been able to work on it in spurts. I'm so excited that I finally got it done. Woo Hoo!

I decided on a gold theme with pearls, to accentuate the vintage photo in the center. All of the hardware is gold as well.

I really liked the crackle medium as it gave it an antiqued look. Below are several views of different angles of the purse. I'm going to start another one very soon.

I wrapped gold edging laced with pearls around the whole box.

This isn't the best picture of the clasp, but it consists of a gold hasp attached by a gold clip which is attached to a gold heart bracelet.

The back displays a better view of the gold corners used on the bottom of the box, along with an old, beaten, Coca Cola bottle top I smashed into the crackle. It's funny how I collect all of these little odds and ends and stash them away and then one day, one of them will strike me as the piece to use in a project I'm making. Some of them I've coveted for years. What a pack rat I've become. LOL.

On the inside of the box I decoupaged some old newspaper ads I had from way back in the 40's or 30's, not really sure which.

I certainly hope the next one goes a lot smoother and quicker, now that I've finally figured out ways to attach handles and other vital purse parts.

Will keep you updated on the latest projects as they slowly make their way to the finish line. For more on my daily antics, come visit me on my Facebook page.

THE SOUND OF THE RAIN

2009-06-27T19:33:00.003-07:00

The rain is pouring outside and, as odd as it is for Arizona, has been most of the day. It seems we have our monsoons early this year, which is fine by me as it keeps the heat down.

As I sat quietly, working diligently on photography projects, I began to listen to the pattern of the rainfall. Wow, why is it I never took the time to stop and listen hard enough before, to realize that rain could fall in a pattern? I just thought it came down randomly.

It was almost like a symphony - click, click, click, splat splat - click, click, click, splat splat, plop, faster and faster, building as if to a musical crescendo and then slowing down to an almost inaudible tick, tick, splat, tick, tick, splat.

The more I stop and take the time to listen to nature, the more I realize just how many sounds we take for granted and how many we never hear consciously - either because we're too busy, or just because we have so many other things on our minds.

I am making a conscious effort to slow down and try to find all of the wonder there is to discover in the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and sensations of nature. We are not on this planet long, or in this realm, but I believe the more we experience, the more we are able to take with us when we leave it. Maybe that is why photography intrigues me so much. It allows me to capture moments in time as well as the beauty I find wherever I find myself.

Thank you Mother Nature!!!

WOW!!!!

2009-06-18T15:40:00.002-07:00

Wow!!! I can hardly believe it. I'm registered with several writer's groups and an online magazine by the name of, "Useless Knowledge Magazine," contacted me re having read my profile and asked me if I would be interested in submitting an article. I looked at their guidelines and, since I love useless knowledge, found the invitation quite flattering.

When I got home today, I looked at my email and they have accepted my article, a humor piece, and already have it up and running on their online publication. I'm so thrilled by this, I just can't express how much.

If you're interested in checking out my article, I have provided the following link:

http://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/09june/article022.html

MY LATEST BOOK IS READY

2009-06-17T19:56:00.002-07:00

Well, I finally got diligent and finished my latest book of poetry. It is entitled "Simply Poetry, Poems for the Seeking Soul." It is again of the coffee table variety and contains a good deal of my photography, mostly floral. I'm really proud of this one. I hope you will stop by and preview a copy (and love it so much you'll just have to buy a copy *grin*).

SIMPLY POETRY ...

By Kimberly D. Miller

Book Preview

ANNOUNCING...

2009-06-14T19:51:00.002-07:00

Announcing the inception of my new photography services blog, Kimberly's Photo Kreations. I just finished putting the final touches on the page and I hope you will all visit it. Those of you who are local, I hope you will all hire me (LOL). I'm very excited about all of this and it's really made an enormous impact on me finally being able to delve deeper into a life long passion.

MY TOYS HAVE ARRIVED

2009-06-05T17:07:00.008-07:00

I'm so excited!!! I can finally take quality portraits and branch out into more opportunities with the new toys I just acquired: a whole lighting and background setup. Since its arrival this afternoon, I have done nothing but explore possible lighting techniques and take different shots of my son, who reluctantly and kindly agreed to sit for me. He's so great that way.

These are some of the shots I am now able to take, but I am still in the process of finding the best lighting set up. Can't wait until my tie-dye background arrives.

ORIGINAL POST-IT NOTES

2009-06-03T16:12:00.006-07:00

One of the things I love best about the town of old Bisbee, is the ambiance of the architecture and the fact that it is still standing. It definitely shows a pride in the people of the town, a pride of ownership and belonging.

My second favorite thing about old Bisbee is their advertising system. No matter where you go, on what street you happen to be on, you are going to know what is going on for the next week by the multitude of fliers tacked to buildings, telephone poles, painted on vehicles, hung around peoples' necks, in store windows, in resident windows, on animals, painted on faces, sticking to your car window wherever you park, and some really odd places as well.

I think the reason I find this so awe inspiring is the fact that Bisbee is a town by and for artists, and who better to find creative ways to publicize events, than artists. I think if I had the money (well, enough to be a starving artist) I would surely make it my home.

NATURE

2009-05-27T17:07:00.003-07:00

One of my favorite topics is nature. I have never seen or felt anything so awesome and powerful as what can be seen and felt through nature to the deepest depths of your soul. The sounds, the colors, the intense sensations of the five senses, all manipulated and guided through nature. I'm in awe when I see something like this through the camera lens.

How fabulous it is to have the technology to capture such visions of inspiration and adoration.

A WAY BACK INTO ART

2009-05-17T18:48:00.004-07:00

Now that I've obtained employment, I can finally delve back into my art without that guilt feeling, the one that says, "you shouldn't be doing art, you don't even have money coming in."

Our friends, Kathy and Stacy, just celebrated their 25th anniversary. I was fortunate enough to attend their celebratory bash last night, and fun was certainly had by all.

One of the bathrooms in their home, which happens to be one I helped them work on years ago, is themed in vintage nudes. To add to that collection, I made for them a card/wall hanging. The middle area with the writing and picture was flooded with self-leveling gel and set to dry. Some of the objects stick out and some are totally immersed. It was really a lot of fun to make.

On another note, I promised in my last post that I would post a picture or two of the frames I made at Andy's house. This is a wooden frame, patterned in a bamboo look. I thought it turned out really great. I hate to take a picture of a picture because you always get that "glass glare", but I think it shows off the effect pretty well.

All in all, a great start back into art.

OLD PHOTOS

2009-05-05T17:36:00.010-07:00

As I sifted through the boxes of photographs in my closet this morning, I came across this rare picture of my mother's mother, Ollie May Brooks aka best gramma in the world. Rare in that finding pictures of her at any age earlier than 60 is very difficult. The caption on the back of this one read, "holding cousin Ronny."

I never imagined my grandmother this young, partly because she had an old soul. This picture reminds me that she at least tried to be young once, but was probably never this age emotionally. I so love the hair styles back then. It was all about length and curls and braids and parts. This is my mother, Sandra, and her brother, David at a skating rink. I REALLY miss skating rinks. David was 2 years younger than my mother. He died 2 years ago of cancer. My mother is currently fighting cancer, but I can look at these pictures and realize that they have had a good life up until this point and I have been very lucky to have had all of these people for relatives.

Anyway - I had a great day with old pics.

THANK YOU ANDY

2009-04-30T19:51:00.004-07:00

This is a shout out to my friend Andy, without whom, I would never have had a terrific day learning how to frame my prints. She taught me to matte last year and now fabulous lessons in making gorgeous frames and good times doing it. I love your workshop and your home and your family and you.

These are Andy and Ele's kids, from left to right, Mac, Teddy and Beth. The pugs were named after Macbeth (Mac and Beth). These kids are fun loving but Mac takes the prize in who loves me the most. LOL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

2009-04-27T16:04:00.005-07:00

Hmmm, you might ask yourself, what does this image have to do with a birthday!!!???!!! The answer: Nothing, I just think it's pretty. LOL.

My birthday is this Friday, May 1st, and I had to post to tell everyone of the unique and special idea that my dear friend Dawn came up with for my birthday this year. She went to my RedBubble site and bought one of my matted photographs. She said she has been eying one of them for awhile so for my birthday she would buy herself the present. I was so excited. I love it so much when someone, especially a fellow artiste, thinks enough of something I've done to actually purchase it. It think it is the ultimate form of flattery.

So to Dawn, my unique and special friend, thank you so much for the birthday present and the compliment. You are loved and missed on an hourly basis.

BLUE GLASS (Not Bluegrass, this has nothing to do with banjos)

2009-04-26T15:36:00.007-07:00

I love blue glass, and recently have found some worth photographing. I am lately trying to put some variety into what I am taking pictures of and I thought since I have been collecting miniature bottles for so long, I would try a few of them on for size (not literally of course, that would hurt).

HELP -I'M A THIN PERSON TRAPPED IN A PUDGY BODY

2009-04-17T19:14:00.012-07:00

You know the old adage, "The glass is half full?" I didn't realize just how true that was until yesterday when a dear, new friend of mine (Maria) told me in a very low moment to write down five things I was grateful for. Although my crappy mood, brought on most likely by every freakin' thing I'm dealing with these days, topped off by the lovely men-o-pause (what do "men" have to do with it anyway?) - was not going to allow me to feel any different, I wrote down five things I was grateful for. They were: 1. My health; 2. The time I am spending with my mother; 3. my son and his health; 4. My chance at life; and 5. My friends. I could probably have come up with more, and believe me, yesterday just these five were not easy, but I opted to sleep. I honestly think a lack of sleep is what's getting to me lately.

It is my philosophy that things are either black and white, or color. Nothing in between. People are put into your life, onto your path, and all strangers are potential friends. They either help you, love you, listen to you, have your back, guide you, hang with you, talk with you and, if you're really lucky, all of the above.

I have to say, one thing that has been missing in my life since I had to move away from my home in California and my dearest friend on earth (you know who you are Annie), and since my friend and soul sisters Dawn and Lydia moved away from Arizona, is a true confidante and friend to spend time with, listen to, and confide in. In fact, it has been so long, that I am out of practice in knowing how to be a good friend (in the local sense - I've got the long distance friend thing down pat) because I've become so used to sucking up into my own little world most of the time and I don't remember social skills at all anymore. Hence the fact that I need to go back to school to major in social interaction. LOL. I think we need classes for that. I know I do.

With age comes wisdom and, in some areas of our lives we learn to adjust and live with what we are dealt. We don't always like what we are dealt, but we have to learn to adjust and deal. This is the hard part for me sometimes. I often get the feeling that I'm beating a dead horse (who ever came up with that expression? It's really morbid). They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results. That may be one of the wisest things ever thought of, in my opinion.

The solution? To choose the path of least resistance and soar with the eagles. In the words of Doris Day, "Que Sera Sera" and in the words of the Beatles, "Let it be." Aren't song lyrics awesome? "All we are is dust in the wind." I love that one. Darn, now that I thought of those, hoards of song titles are flooding my brain. Oh, I also just remembered this saying, "You are what you eat." I've not been eating well lately. This could be the whole problem - LOL.

CHOCOLATE CHALLENGE

2009-04-17T18:54:00.003-07:00

As I regrettably missed the last challenge at one of my favorite blogs, One Man's Travels at: http://grahamettridge.blogspot.com/, I certainly couldn't miss the next one, simply entitled Chocolate. I took this picture one night as I glanced over at the table by my side and realized that what was on the table, certainly summed up my vision of comfort. When I was younger, I used to have many vices, and I DO mean many. Wine and chocolate however, I refused to give up, and if you knew me then, you'd know how trivial they are in comparison. Although the capture was not intended as greatness, it was intended as expression, which I think I achieved here. Thank you Graham. As always, I love your photo challenges.

AREN'T WE LUCKY?

2009-04-05T15:31:00.004-07:00

As reflective as I am on a general basis, it's no wonder that when I was staging these shots of my son, Brice, I kept reflecting on the wonderful quality my life has obtained since becoming a mother.

I feel so fortunate to have someone in my life who can offer different perspectives on things and who can share his individuality. I am in awe of the person he has become and the fortunate fact that I have been allowed to be there for every changing, shaping moment, offering the teaching and wisdom, and sometimes the necessary hard-handedness, that goes into guiding one's child.

I have recently begun to take stock of the fabulous things in my life, and am so thankful for all that I have. I now realize all of the bad things a person has to go through, are not really "bad" at all, but rather twists and turns on a path we are destined for, and changes that get us there.

My thanks are many and my life forever changed for this blessed being in my life.

SPRING IS SPRINGING

2009-03-30T20:08:00.011-07:00

For me, one of the most exciting things about the onset of Spring is the ability to put color back into my garden. Although Arizona is going through its freaking windy season right now, and I mean hurricane force windy, I still managed today to plant all of my flowers, herbs and vegetables and declare war on every weed that got in my way!!!!

I'm also getting that underlying feeling, which grows stronger as Spring approaches, that I have way too much stuff in my house, in my storage, in my yard and everywhere else in my life. This happens every year (sometimes several times a year). I believe it's nature's way of putting me in the mood to Spring clean (several times a year~not just in Spring).

Spring has also brought with it (actually it just timed out like that) several new and sometimes scary, life changes. My son, Brice, is now driving. Dawn, if you're reading this you'll be as freaked out about this as I am. I have to be the teacher because Arizona of course offers no driver's courses. Although he is proving to be quite a confident driver with practice, I remain constantly nervous, especially at the high speeds (anything over 50.) I don't think is particularly because Brice is the driver (of course that's a lot to do with it), as much as it is the fact that I'm usually the driver all the time for Brice and my mom and I've become quite the nervous rider if not able to be the one in control of the vehicle.

As I end this post, I wish you all thorough enjoyment of the onset of Spring and hope that everyone will be able to get out there and put some color into your life; not just in the garden, but every aspect of your life. One thing my mother's cancer has taught me is just how precious every moment is. Spend them wisely and tell those around you how much you love them and how precious they are to you.

NATURE ROCKS

2009-03-12T18:49:00.005-07:00

As I walked amongst the tall cottonwood trees, amid a dense forest by a beautiful rippling creek, with a cool, gentle breeze at my back, I asked myself, "Does it get any better than this?"

Though I live in the desert, and not by choice because I would much rather have stayed by the ocean from whence I came, I have managed, through many active and knowledgeable Arizonians, to have found the most intriguing and beautiful spots of all.

I never realized just how much nature existed in the desert. We were hiking through Sonoita Creek area and came upon 8 blue heron nests. Every single nest had a daddy on a branch as a look out and a mommy in the nest with at least three babies a piece. Blue herons are so large, in fact the last one I took pictures of, standing on its feet, came up to my neck. I found it so interesting and picture worthy that these large fowl are able to build huge nests at the very top of a tree and still have it support all of that weight. I decided they have to build the nest at the very top of the tree because their wingspan is incredibly wide, much too wide to land effectively on the mid to lower branches.

On another, completely unrelated note, I am finally getting back into crafting. I am assembling fat book pages as much as I can while I await the last pages from one of my round robin group members. There are still five of us left and believe it or not, we managed to remain in tact thus far. I will be posting more pics of these new projects as they progress. In the meantime, I will remain ever in awe at these beautiful discoveries in the desert. Nature Rocks!!!!!

PAGING EMILY LATELLA

2009-03-02T19:18:00.006-07:00

Is this the cutest little guy or what? On our hike this past weekend through Sonoita Creek, we happened upon this little fella who happened upon some great nuts (not Grape Nuts) and decided he was going to enjoy their luxurious flavor whether we were there snapping pictures, or not. He let me get in about five shots before he darted off to frolic in the nearby creek. They all came out rather well despite that blasted tree limb in the way.

Did you ever have the pleasure of watching the original, first season of Saturday Night Live? Well I did, and now, through the magic of DVD and Netflix, so has my son. And, much to my enjoyment, he loves it, especially the land shark (candygram), and Emily Latella. Gilda Radner portrayed many a character that first season: Babwa Wawa and Roseanne Rosannadanna come to mind immediately, but none so beloved as the ever-hard-of-hearing Emily Latella. The last episode we watched entailed Emily doing her usual editorial on Chevy Chase's Weekend Update, this week on stubbings in school. "What's all this I hear about so many stubbings in schools these days? Are the kids of today wearing sandals and not watching where they walk? Are they clumsy enough to slam their toes into every corner they try to turn? What about more serious problems in the world like teens shooting one another or all the violence in New York City. I just don't think these silly stubbings..." at this point Chevy interrupts Emily to say, "Emily, it's not stubbings in schools, it's stabbings," to which Emily always replies, "Oh, well that's very different. Never mind."

If I've been having any low moments lately, they have been lifted by the constant craziness of shows of my youth. I have even brought in, for my son to watch with me of course, early episodes of Laugh In as well. I recommend to anyone having hard times these days to invest in happy movie or show memories from their youth. Although I'm sure they won't cure anything, they certainly offer a much-needed share of fond memories and gaiety in an otherwise stressful time in life.

LONG LIVE EMILY LATELLA!!!!!!

FOUR INCHES OF SNOW????? IN ARIZONA?????

2009-02-15T13:03:00.013-07:00

I woke up this past Tuesday (which I feel is always a good sign of the day to come) and, as I habitually do, I casually glanced out the window to see what the morning weather was like. Imagine my surprise!!!! My son Brice was like, "Mom, it snowed," to which I lovingly replied, "Duh!" He was so excited that he started to dash toward the back door. I halted him in his tracks only to suggest that he consider putting on a heavy coat and some shoes as pajamas are not generally too warm in the snow. A reaction to be expected from boy raised in the desert. He laughed, put on his heavy coat and shoes, and ran out the door. I took my time of course as I am never too eager to run out into the cold without first preparing for frost bite. LOL. This was probably the most snow we've seen in a few years, inch-wise. It measured 4 inches in our backyard.

Brice made a snowball and then opted to see

how big he could get it.

Then, as all son's do, he held it up as if he were going to throw it at me.

I of course ran into the house because now that he is older

and taller than me, I was sure his aim had improved.

The scariest element of a snow day in Arizona? People freak out to drive in it, and for those of you who have lived in this part of the country before, you know that people around here tend not to be the best drivers in the first place. Thank God the snow melted of by noon or the air would have been constantly permeated by the shrill sound of sirens for the rest of the day.

All in all, it was great to have a snow day and enjoy a little bit of winter. We also got to see why people from cold states move to places like this, or at least winter here. Brrrrr.

FUN WITH MATTES & BOOKS

2009-02-03T17:33:00.028-07:00

I have been having the most fun lately in creating more mattes and books. This is a portfolio that I created with a forget-me-not cover. I've always wanted hand made portfolio, so I sat down for days and invented the dimensions for this one. I was really happy with the way it turned out.

This picture of my mother and father's wedding was really fun to create. I mounted the entire piece on a matte board with a matte frame. I also mounted some small pieces of matte onto the board reflecting words like Timeless, Remember and Treasure. I then mounted the pictures on doors that open to reveal their names and wedding date on a map of the city they were married in, circling the town they settled in and where I was born. I'm gonna give this one to mom. She said she wanted it to hang in her house.

I've also been very busy creating books, which as you know, is a huge passion of mine. Long tall Sally here sports two bells on the spine and is as tall as legal sized envelopes, which are sewn into the signatures every three pages and sealed with Velcro for ease in opening and closing.

This book has hemp-lined chopsticks as clasps. Once you pull them back you can open the flap on the right to reveal the paper inside right next to the pencil box. The pencil box holds pencils which I also wrapped in the same paper as the book cover. You could also use the box to carry pens and/or various office supplies.

It has been hard few weeks, what with all this job searching and all, but all of this crafting has literally saved my sanity (what there was left of it anyway).

DID YOU EVER WONDER...

2009-01-21T15:27:00.007-07:00

Did you ever come across an old, run down building or discarded suitcase or other old item, and wonder what story it could tell if it could talk? I wonder about things like this all the time, hence my interest in taking pictures of dilapidation.

I was driving through McNeal, Arizona one weekend and on the way home there were so many old, falling down buildings and barns like this that I Just couldn't resist stopping in the middle of the highway to take pictures from the truck. Thank God it is a pretty lonely highway or I would have caused some serious accidents.

I think there is a part of me, maybe a part that has lived long ago, that sympathizes and wonders about all things past. I wonder who lived in this old house and why they had to leave it. How many families actually resided in it through the years, how many children grew up here, marking the walls with their growth patterns? I wonder if they planted that tree and how many gardens were sown and reaped there. I wonder why there is no fence surrounding the house. Did they use the whole field for a yard? Or just the back 40? Who patched the roof? How did it come to need patching? Were there curtains in the windows and what pattern was the fabric? I imagine a nice red or blue country print.

I find it so intriguing to paint a mental picture, especially with photographs, of how things used to be or could have been. I sometimes even go futuristic and think about how it could be if someone were to come along and make it new again. I hope I never outgrow my wandering curiosities as they keep me fresh!!!

BEAUTY IS EVERYWHERE

2009-01-13T18:26:00.005-07:00

Where do you find beauty? I find it in:

A cool Spring breeze

The smell of Jasmine in the air

The moon, in any cycle

Words/Writing

Photography

Friends

A hug from my son

Spending time with my mother

A brilliant sunset or sunrise

Morning dew on nature's beauty

Raindrops on my tongue
A walk

Wind

A leisurely drive to anywhere

My cat hugging my neck with both paws

The wind against my back

Tantalizing food

Sending/Receiving snail mail

Good health

Massage

Gardening

Meditation

Meals at the kitchen table

...and things too numerous to mention

WOW - I RECEIVED MY FIRST BLOG AWARD!!!!

2009-01-10T16:37:00.015-07:00

Can you believe it? I was just tagged with my very first blog award. It is from Basia at SpiritSpace. My heartfelt thanks and gratitude Basia, for presenting me such an honor, and for the beauty and thoughtfulness you put into creating it.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU I'VE TAGGED:
These are the directions I received along with the award:
Come to my blog, take your butterfly, list my blog, then list 10 blog sites you would like to receive the same blog award, and list them on your favorite blogs. Leave the same message for each when you give them their blog award.

And here is my list of ten:

1. Alexa Lett
2. Artist Reborne
3. Artsy Mama
4. Bitter Betty Blogs
5. One Man's Travels
6. Creative Swaps
7. Just Rho
8. Lilly's of Londonish
9. Small Creations
10. Vintage Recreations

LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM

2009-01-07T19:26:00.002-07:00

Feeling so down, very confused, I don't know what to do;
It seems the further I try to forge, more steps I fear I lose;

I work as hard as I possibly can to keep us in the black;
but then comes that straw, that proverbial straw, that broke the camel's back;

I climb the uphill battle, to make ends meet and more;
I don't understand why my effort's defeated, this is getting to be such a bore;

I have a teenage son to raise, and all alone to boot;
Why does my plight go unrewarded, does anyone give a hoot?

I'm killing myself slowly but surely, to live the American "dream";
but I'll be damned if I'll let them win, no matter how weak I seem.

PRECIOUS DAYS

2009-01-04T13:23:00.016-07:00

Our life, as gifted to us in the beginning, is one large lump of time. Each individual receives this lump at birth and has only that allotted time in which to choreograph and shape what will become their life in totality. Some are blessed with more time than others, some are blessed with less, but the secret is not to waste a second of it. We must cherish every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every

year to the point that it could be
our last. That which is wasted on wishing we were older, wishing we were younger and wishing we had different circumstances, can never be regained. Hold this time in your heart like a new born baby and cherish it as such. Laugh at everything possible, take joy in everything around you, love as often as you can, and befriend as many people that cross your path. In doing so you will enrich your life to its fullest.

Essentially, we are born into this world alone, we have to make decisions and live our lives alone, and we die alone. If we are lucky, we are born into families who nurture us and share in our lives, and as we get older we find friends and lovers to share with as well. If we learn to love ourselves, cherish who we are and love who we are, while all the while sharing ourselves with others, we can ask for no more.

Our children are on loan to us to teach and nurture so that they may go out into the world alone and choreograph and mold their lumps of time. We do not own them, just as wives, husbands, parents and siblings do not own each other. I think the keys to life consist of understanding two things: first, that you are you, basically one person on their own eternally, but able to share yourself and your time with others and second, knowing that we must not waste time with needless worries about materialistic ventures and ideals. Once you have these keys in your grasp, you can unlock the secrets to any realm you choose.

When I try extremely hard to shape my life into what I truly want it to be, it usually happens and I feel happiness from a soul depth. Other times I find myself working and going home and sleeping and complaining about parts of my life that bother me. This is wasteful and pointless, not to mention unhealthy. I am so thankful for this time that I have been given and have realized more frequently just how precious each day is to me and how much I want to fill up every day with the things that are important to me.

Make time now, even if it's ten minutes a day to keep for yourself, if only for a cup of tea or coffee, meditation, a favorite book or song, time with a cherished one, or time spent on a passionate venture. You will soon realize just how little certain things truly matter in the grand scheme of things and just how free you can be.

NEW YEAR REFLECTIONS

2009-01-01T17:52:00.005-07:00

Looking back on 2008, even though it was one of our toughest years so far, I feel strength and growth like never before. The old saying, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger," holds dear to my heart. My mother has just about beaten her cancer (I am still praying every night), my brother Scott is working on getting his health back from his setback, and I managed to find a job (having to take a $6.00 per hour cut in pay).

Most days I felt no younger than 92 because of everything they entailed to get through, but get through them I did.

The job is a blessing in that we are making ends meet, but barely. I am still looking for a job and think I might be on top of one right now. I have to go through a rather long application process, but it pays at least $9.00 per hour more than I am making right now and it is in the criminal justice field, which is what my degree is in, so I think it would be something that would really make me happy, while earning enough of a living to keep the house. Oy the turmoil.

Brice is such a blessing to me. He is growing every day in every way and I couldn't be a prouder parent. He is probably going to run away from home soon if I don't get my menopausal mood swings under control (and who could blame him). He is almost through his sophomore year and has become ever more the deep, reflective individual he's always been. I love the way his mind works and his sense of humor.

I had my first coffee table book published (see post below) and several calendars ready for sale. This to me was the most exciting thing to happen in a year necessitating challenge, hardship, soul-searching and just wallowing through the mire.

I want to wish everyone a very, healthy and HAPPY 2009, along with the years to follow. Thank you for dropping by my blog and visiting me. I cherish your comments and posts and the fact that you took the time to drop in. Please keep the comments coming and I will visit you as well.

2009 CALENDARS FOR SALE

2008-12-12T19:58:00.003-07:00

My 2009 calendars are finally ready for sale. Click here to head on over and check them out. I have either five or six and more on the way. I'm so excited by the wonderful quality the RedBubble people are able to maintain.

SCHOOL PICTURES ARE HERE!!!!!

2008-12-04T19:52:00.004-07:00

I was so thrilled when I got home today and Brice told me he had the school pictures. I was very bummed that he had to miss picture day and then do retakes, which were postponed three times, and then I had to worry as to whether or not they were going to make it to the house before the Christmas cards went out.

I'm so pleased with the quality this year, as well as the pose. They are doing great things with digital cameras these days.

I think my ideal job would be to work for LifeTouch and go from school to school and try to get everyone to pose for me. I would either love it, or pull my hair out by the end of the day - LOL!!!!

Thankful

2008-11-27T20:16:00.003-07:00

(Can you believe I took this picture in my garden - today - in November?)

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and lately, I have to say, this beholder has seen more beauty, every day.

Today is Thanksgiving and because of my recent soul-searching excursions, I realize how thankful I am for everything in my life; my mom and her recovery from this horrible cancer, my brothers, my son, my sister Marit, and all of our family and friends, as well as a job, a roof over our head, the journeys we make safely, color, taste, sound, and all the rest of the senses, emotions, and let's face it, just being a part of it all.

This life is beautiful, messy, fun, exciting, creative, disastrous, chaotic,
up and down and so many other things. How fortunate we all are to be participants.

I am thankful and grateful.

Happiness Photography Challenge

2008-11-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

The theme for this month's photography challenge at One Man's Travel blog, is Happiness. A rather fitting topic for the upcoming holiday season.

While there are many things that make me happy in this world, my son has been a constant source of happiness to me since his birth, and the longest bout of happiness I can recall. This picture was taken about 12 years ago, when Brice was about 3 years old. He was sitting on top of my Ford Ranger and our local lighthouse was visible in the background. I was so taken by the "overalls-with-no-shirt" look and the surrounding beauty, that this has always been one of my favorite shots of his growing years, and the topic of happiness, brought this picture to mind at once.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

2008-11-13T18:59:00.012-07:00

The longer I exist, the more I realize that friends are a very rare find. Rare gems amongst a sea of sand pebbles. (These are pictures of my mother and I - early on and more recent)To find a friend who knows you, truly knows you, inside and outside, upside and downside, is absolutely priceless. To experience that special bond with someone who shows you reciprocal, unconditional acceptance and love, how could there be anything greater in life? Many would argue and say that, "No, love is the greatest gift in life," and while that may be true on so many levels, don't you really need to have this truest of friendships first, as a basis for any type of love? (This is my dear and very close friend, Dawn) I am very thankful for those in my life who I can call friend, a term which I will never take lightly, and a term by which I value those attributes in a person. I can count my truest of friends on one hand, and I think that is the way it should be. (This is my lifelong friend Annie and I). We will acquire many, many acquaintances in our lifetimes, but so very few, true friends. (My son Brice, and I)

Delcie

2008-11-10T20:00:00.002-07:00

I took this shot of Delcie the other night at my brother and sister-in-law's house. She is 6 and as you can see, cute as a button. I loved the composition in shadow and the way she posed for this one so I just had to post it.

Beneath The Clouds - Opportunity

2008-11-04T19:39:00.007-07:00

I took this picture the other night by standing on my picnic table in the backyard. I love how majestic the mountains looked that night beneath the scattered clouds. Looking at a scene like this one makes me really appreciate all of the beauty that exists in this realm, on this planet. Getting more and more involved in my photography and my art has illuminated me as to how we should never take anything for granted. I was watching this little black ant on my kitchen floor yesterday. It was struggling so hard to carry a crumb of bread that was three times its size. It never gave up. It kept circling the crumb and trying to go at it from every possible angle. I thought to myself, "That's what I don't do. I give up too easily and I don't explore all of the different angles to approach a situation." Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you look at it. Once you realize that, you can choose to look at all the angles, not just the obvious ones. As small as that ant was, and as insignificant as I initially deemed that moment to be, it taught me a huge, and very valuable lesson that I will not soon forget.

Always remember to look at every angle and never take things for granted. There is beauty in every thing, and opportunity in every moment.

WE CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN

2008-10-26T21:08:00.006-07:00

This weekend my son and I decided to go for a casual hike, and being as out of shape as I am, I decide, why not! As it turns out, not only did we go to the most beautiful place to hike in all of Arizona, a place called Ramsey Canyon, but we just kept climbing upward until, lo and behold, we had reached the top of the mountain. That's right, all 6,200 feet of it. I knew I was having a hard time breathing, but I just thought it was due to the fact that I am so out of shape. I got the most amazing pictures, and how, you might ask, did I manage to take a picture of the two of us on the top of the mountain without a tripod? Well, as luck would have it, standing at the top of the mountain, was a man and his wife, probably in their late 60's, standing there, taking in the view. They offered to take our picture with my camera. Also, they were kind enough to share their water with us, as we had not remembered to bring ours (for only what was planned to be a very short hike and picture-taking excursion). How sweet, after traveling that far, to happen upon two very lovely and generous strangers, who turned out to be friends in nature.

When we ventured a bit more over the top of the hill, we happened upon this rather large waterfall (large for Arizona mind you). It was such a blessing to find this frigidly cold water at the top of our trek, and rub it all over our necks and faces. It was quite a warm day. I was so glad we didn't "trip" over any rattle snakes or "bump" into any mountain lions or bears. There aren't many places to escape such potential fates up that high.

All in all, a lovely Saturday with my son, bonding and conquering a mountain. I wouldn't have spent it any other way.

TIME

2008-10-20T20:28:00.007-07:00

Time lets you sleep, time lets you rise;
turns babes to adults, in front of your eyes.

Time is your foe; time is your friend;
you'll succeed if you try, or try it again.

It wrinkles your skin and grays your hair;
it sags body parts, that once were up there.

You can spend it with loved ones, or spend it alone;
you can clean up your house, or talk on the phone.

You can go for long walks, or jog in the park;
it's there all day long, it's there in the dark.

You can be with your family, on land or by water;
spend time with your son, and dish with your daughter.

Time is best spent with those you love;
it's the meaning of life, a gift from above.

So whether you're calm or stand up and cheer;
cherish each moment, and live without fear.

(c) 2007 - Kimberly Miller

OCTOBER CHALLENGE - ONE MAN'S TRAVELS

2008-10-14T19:10:00.003-07:00

It's that time of the month again (well, not that time - lol). But it is the time for Graham's monthly challenge at One Man's Travels, and this month he has chosen "Shadows" as the theme. I had to think long and hard on this one and when I began my trek, I had in mind to photograph small shadows within small objects, i.e. rocks.
It was at that point that I happened upon my own shadow and actually began to pose and move in different angles in respect to the sun's position. When I took a picture of my shadow with both hands on the camera, it looked odd to me, sort of like my arms were missing, or that they were oddly connected to my head.
Then decided to put one hand on my hip and take the picture with the other hand. This resulted in what seemed to be an accidental, deliberate, sensual pose. I took another one of a cactus and its shadows, but was not as happy with this one.

Again, I had a great time with this challenge Graham. These challenges make me push myself to go that extra mile and think outside the box, which, as luck would have it, tends to be my regular way of thinking the older I get. LOL.

IF ANTIQUES COULD TALK

2008-10-05T18:13:00.040-07:00

I didn't actually go spelunking, I mean, no caves were involved, but my son and I did go searching for artifacts, in the thrift stores and antique stores. We don't get to do this very often, but after the fun we had at the local art gala we decided to just stay out and continue to seek out new life and new civilization, to boldly go where no man...oh, wait, that's Star Trek - my bad!!! But we did continue to seek out new adventures and look what we found.

The first greatest find of the day, was this exquisite jewelry box for only $10.00. I try to imagine the jewelry and other treasures that have been in and out of this lovely piece. It is in very good condition, with only a few scratches on the outside. The top and sides are intricately carved. The inside dons 2 places for rings, two pouches lined with lace under the lid, a tuck away box in the center and three open trays. There are two drawers below that and all lined in voluptuous red velvet. I was impressed at how clean and in tact this box was, considering its age and history. It is so large that I was able to transport three of my small boxes of treasures into it and condense some space in my room. I absolutely fell in love with this jewelry box.

My second coolest find of the day was this picture book, circa 1818, in perfect condition (other than a few loose pages) for only $3.00. The pages are nicely yellowed through time, telling its tale of age and generation. If only it could tell its own story about who it has been with over time, I would sit and listen for hours.

I also happened upon this old, solid wood cigar box with metal hinges, also for $3.00. I love cigar boxes and if you combine that with the older, rarer, wooden type, I was ecstatic with this find. It didn't retain its genuine cigar smell inside, but I can imagine the sweet aroma. My grandpa used to smoke cigars occasionally, a cherry blend if I recall correctly. That particular smell always triggers fond memories.

And then, I happened upon some skeleton keys. I find these keys fascinating when you compare them to the keys of today. They are not as intricate in they way they were shaped to dislodge various tumblers in the lock, but they served their purpose and they did so well. One of these keys looks much like another and it is hard to imagine that they all opened different things. This bag of keys was a little pricey, but my son splurged for them for me. What a dude!

The piece de resistance, was this hinged, leather-covered box with a handle and metal corner protectors for a mere $7.00. There is nothing inside. I imagine it used to house a particular item, but now the possibilities are endless. Again, I know this piece could tell the most amusing stories.
I think that's what I find so intriguing about antiques - the fact that they have been around so long and various people have owned them or used them and passed them on. People have lived and died during their existence and they continue to be here. I wonder how many people read the story book, how many children learned to read because of this particular story book, and how many mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters used this particular book to soothe someone, entertain them, or put them sleep at night.

It certainly was a stupendous Saturday.

ANDREA'S SPREAD

2008-10-01T19:40:00.005-07:00

I finally finished my spread in Andrea's book. I rather like this one. I hope she likes it. I used self-leveling gel in the hole in the "a" and it looks really wet, like it's submerged in the water. Pretty cool stuff, that self-leveling gel.

I'm so glad I got this done, since I've been having so much stress in my life right now. I went for an hour long walk after work tonight with my MP3 player and really enjoyed myself. I'm going to do that more often. It's a great stress reliever.

I'm also very submerged into my photography right now and having so much fun honing various new techniques. Sometimes it's tough having so many interests because I want to fulfill them all to their fullest.

A BEAUTIFUL DAY

2008-09-28T20:55:00.004-07:00

I went for the most peaceful and beautiful walk today, all alone with my thoughts and dreams, through a forest, amid a dry, dusty desert, in a cool spot on a hot day. I found the most beautiful scenery and took the most satisfying shots. We have had much rain this year and the brook was babbling so loud it was like a song from nature. I must say, I have not heard this particular brook babble in so long a time.

I then went to a carnival in the park by myself, and rode many of the rides, sort of reliving my child-like desires. It was the most fun I've had spending the day with myself.

I am working on several new art projects, to be posted in the near future. My life is beginning to make sense again, but the desire to travel will never be stilled.

APPRECIATE LIFE

2008-09-24T20:04:00.005-07:00

As I watch my mother suffer emotionally through her cancer, I see the daily changes in her appreciation for life. I hear the comments, "Just be glad you're healthy," and see the new wonder as she realizes what is truly here on earth. So sad that it takes something like this horrible event to awaken so many people around her, and to show us all that life is truly a special gift, given to souls to experience things not possible in other realms.

My mother is a truly wonderful soul who has always been such a giving and caring person, that she's barely taken notice of herself. Maybe this is God's way of letting her know that she needs to take care of number one and experience life on her terms and in her way. I am sure, more each day, that she is going to beat this stage 4 atrocity, and come out on top, stronger and more appreciative of herself and all that she has to offer.

Never take life, or anything in it, for granted. I love the saying, "It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got." For me, that says it all.

MY ART IN A CARTON ARRIVED TODAY

2008-09-24T19:32:00.010-07:00

After what seemed like a terrible day at work, I arrived home to find that Barbara Saint Jacques had sent me my first "Art in a Carton" (see link in left hand column). As I unwrapped the intricately stamped white paper, I was so excited to see the beautiful, fall colored carton (one of my most favorite seasons). I have waited months for it to be my turn and this is my first carton. Look at the beautiful angel doll made from a wooden clothespin and flowers. She made a beautiful wooden button box and filled it with buttons, along with a miniature matchbox drawer full of seed beads and two charms, a small book with my initial on the inside cover, a wooden sun, another small book, and a beautiful wooden stick adorned with a jewel and beautiful strings of wool. Thank you SO much Barbara - these treasures will certainly be treasured.

I am now going to get my trinkets together to mail out to Barbara and two other "unidentified" recipients. This is really a fun venture and thank you so much Susan for your brilliant "pay it forward" idea. It is so much fun.

Individuality

2008-09-17T18:09:00.004-07:00

Individuality ~

In this world, our numbers are ever populating, no two the same, though some share genetics and some are considered to be twins, no one can ever be so much alike as to be one in the same.

We dream different dreams, we process emotions in our own unique ways, we understand things as they make sense to us, we make different choices in situations, we love differently, perceive differently, and create differently.

Individuality is one of the greatest gifts we receive at birth, right along with empathy. We share the unique gift of empathy with practically no other species.

I am always amazed at how two individuals will approach the exact situation in life, and come up with two very distinct and separate opinions and plans to work it out. If everyone respected each others' individuality and uniqueness, I think relationships would last in society - I think they would almost thrive.

MY LATEST ART ACQUISITION

2008-09-11T19:47:00.007-07:00

Look at my latest art acquisition. It is an original photograph taken by Graham Ettridge of One Man's Travels (see post below for navigation link). Here it is hanging on my wall in a poster frame. I used a large piece of black fabric under the photo, as the picture was a bit smaller than the frame. I thought it set if off nicely.

Unfortunately it was difficult to take this picture without glare, even though there was barely any light behind me. I LOVE this photograph and the fact that it looks almost like a painting. Graham really captured the weathered, time-worn essence of this door and its surrounding wall. If you love great photography, you should definitely take the time to view Graham's site.

I also have a new photography-dedicated site. The link is in the column on the left under the "For Sale" sign. Please stop by and check me out!

ONE MAN'S TRAVELS' SEPTEMBER PHOTOGRAPHY CHALLENGE

2008-09-11T19:25:00.005-07:00

This month's challenge at One Man's Travels, my favorite photography blog, is to take a picture of our favorite time or moment of a day. This is mine.
I LOVE it first thing in the morning, especially on a weekend, when my son is sleeping in and the cat is nestled under the covers with him. I get up, brew a cup of hot tea, and watch the sun rise. It certainly is a good time to put things into perspective, to realize (especially next to the sun and its job) how small we are in the scheme of things, and ponder all things to come in the new day. Each day is a gift and a chance at a clean slate. I'm definitely a morning person.

A PLACE TO SHOWCASE MY ART & PHOTOGRAPHS

2008-09-08T06:56:00.008-07:00

I finally found a place to showcase and sell my photography and some of my art. The site I was using last year was just too user unfriendly. This new site is so fabulous. It's a whole community of artists who can view and comment on each others' work. It also does all of the selling for you, commission free. The name of the site is RED BUBBLE and you can access my site by clicking on the "Red Bubble" link above. I have placed a permanent link in the left column headed by a flashing "For Sale" sign. Please come by and check it out.

I'm so excited by this discovery and if it weren't for Graham, a favorite blogger pal of mine, I never would have found it, so thank you Graham for discovering all of these awesome places that I am able to explore on your blog. You are SO awesome!

MID LIFE CRISIS

2008-09-08T06:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you were going to explode inside? I don't mean from anger, I mean because you want something in your life so much, but something or someone is hindering your odds against obtaining it?

I think that's what a mid life crisis is all about. We get to a point in life where we question the things we've done and the choices we've made that led us up the path to where we are now. Even if things are great, we question, always wondering about our existence and what our purpose is.

I'm not exactly sure that what I am going through is a mid life crisis, so much as it is a time filled with crisis (more than I've ever dealt with in my life). In some ways I feel more alive than I ever have, even though much of my dealings lately are pretty bad. Finding out that my mother has stage 4 cancer was the straw that broke the camel's back. So many people need me right now and this comes during a time when I'm questioning who I am (which I've never really done to this degree), and I'm not sure I have it within me to be there for everyone. My son and I keep passing the flu and the stomach flu back and forth (I'm down with the stomach flu again - on my first day on the new job) and we won't even go into what has happened in my financial life - but my point is - yes, I have a point - that through everything that is happening right now, I have never felt more alive and aware of everything around me. Maybe it's knowing that someone so close to you is going to die soon and you just realize how precious everything is. Our five senses are such a gift, as is a healthy body, and people and passion in our lives.

Wait a minute, if a mid life crisis truly comes during the middle part of your life, then I am destined to be 92 years old. Woo Hoo! I think it's more that pressure has built up from too many years of forced complacency and it's all about to blow. In some ways, I'm excited to see what happens when it blows. I've been emotionally letting go of all things material, because really, that's a silly place to put our values if you think about it.

It has been months now, and I am still feeling unsettled and ready to uproot and roam. I pray I will have the opportunity before long to just pick up and go, leaving the homestead behind, with only the bare necessities (food, camera - oh, and clothes).

The next few weeks, shall be interesting, to say the least.

NEWLY ACQUIRED ART PIECE

2008-09-01T15:02:00.012-07:00

I recently commissioned my dear friend Dawn of Artist Reborne, who also has a new shop called Red Barn Mercantile, to create a piece of art for my wall.
She has been creating these canvases which utilize photographs that people send to her in black and white, and colorizing them as she intricately blends them into the canvas and its background. I am proud to own a Dawn Rice originale.

On the other side of the room hangs one of my favorite pieces, note the red barn. This piece is about twice the size of the canvas that I received from Dawn, and I am hoping one day to replace that
piece with another Dawn Rice originale in the same large size. She says she will think about it. Definitely a future project, but a project nonetheless.

I WROTE A FEW POEMS TODAY

2008-08-28T19:05:00.006-07:00

I wander deep into the abyss of where I originate;

Not knowing why I exist in this realm or what my purpose be;

The urge to fly envelopes me, swallows me whole;

Until I no longer understand the shackles of physical being;

I see beyond the skin and bones, above the realm of all I’m told;

I feel welded to the earth, but long to float above it and watch;

To ponder all living things as they ponder their purpose and make their way;

To soar from place to place; only lighting for moments at a time to catch my weary breath;

I feel mortality ebb as my soul intertwines with the universe;

Are we individual units, or intricate pieces of a celestial cog?

The feeling is deep; from the depths of my center;

I must wander and roam, for that is the only way to find the center of my universe.

She is She:

A woman, like no one you’ve ever met; an unrefined jewel of raw mineral ore;

Elusive, delicious, an enigma to behold when she allows you to behold her;

She tells you when or if; you do not cross the line; she is she; a woman undefined;

To know her, is to want her, to yearn to envelope her entirety, entirely;

To long to breathe her in and feel her in your everlasting moments;

She is art; a woman no one owns; a person of the soul; she is she.

I HAVE A DREAM

2008-08-24T10:25:00.012-07:00

"I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope, with any thing, if you see the wonder of a fairytale, you can take the future, even if you fail, I believe in angels, something good in everything I see, I believe in angels, even though the time is right for me- I cross the stream, I have a dream."
This is an Abba song, whose lyrics have never held more true to my life than now. The instruments are Greek and beautiful. The melody melds into your sole and wraps its message into your heart and mind. I DO have a dream. I WILL live it. This song is my inspiration as of late, and my reason for pushing on. It is helping me get through all of the really large piles of crap that have been heaping up in my life lately, like finding out yesterday that my mom has three masses on her lungs, full on lung cancer, and I can't be there the day of her surgery because I have to be in Tucson to train for a new job, which, if I don't go and I lose out on the job, I lose the roof over my son's head. I am stuck between right and wrong, a rock and a hard place and a tough call to make. Mom is very angry with me, so the pangs of her frustration, anger, and fear are all being directed at me, which I fully expected as I am the oldest child and the one who tries to handle everything.. My brother, next on the sibling ladder, is going to be there on Tuesday for her surgery and hopefully keep me posted, at least I hope he will. I've always been the black sheep, if you will, the family bastard at the picnic--you know the type. I've always chosen to be different from the rest of the family, which I guess is why I constantly hear them all say, "we don't understand you." Maybe that goes with having the soul of an artiste -- a nomad--a free spirit in a family of Virgos --tied to the earth, holding everything inside.

Well, that aside, I am going to really enjoy being gone for two weeks by myself where, in my hotel room, I will not be a mom, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a confidante, a problem solver, or a pet-pooper-scooper. I'll just be me, which, let me tell you, I am totally looking forward to.

I'll be taking my computer with me and fingers crossed, if they have Wi-Fi there, will be posting. Have a great week everyone.

FIGHTING THE URGE

2008-08-19T18:39:00.011-07:00

Have you ever felt those weird urges in life, you know, the kind where you know it would be wrong to act on them, but you just can't help thinking about? You want to do it so badly, that you literally have to fight the urge?

I've really been thinking about that lately because everything in my life is going wrong. I don't just mean one or two things, I mean everything!!!! I was at work the other day, a job which I won't have much longer, and my boss was getting very testy and kind of getting on my case. At that moment, I had the urge to slap him across the face as hard as I could. Now, rationally, I know I could never act on this, but I really had to restrain myself from just doing it. Mind you, he is 75, so this could have hurt him and knocked him down as well. I am not generally a mean-spirited person, but I think we all get these instinctive human urges - or should I say animalistic urges, to just act out and not hold back.
I remember another time, quite recently, when my friend and I were having lunch together. She was sitting rather close to me and when I looked up at one point, the stem of her water glass was almost in my eye. I had to hold my hand down because I wanted so badly to put my finger under the stem while she was drinking and lift it up so all the water would run down the front of her. What an impish thought. I chuckled a little and as she set her glass safely back down on the table, she asked me what I was laughing at. I actually told her what I was thinking and she laughed right along with me, stating that she always had urges like that.

What about the urge to jump off of a high place without a parachute or hang glider? Okay, that's a bit suicidal, but I remember feeling that one once when I was really down.

How about the urge to trip someone as they walk past you, or to belt out a song in a public place at the most inappropriate time (I have that one a lot).

As I progress in age, both physically and spiritually, I realize how little I care what others think about me and how the need to be totally and unabashedly happy has gone from a desire to an obsessive necessity. I don't want to have just happy moments here and there, because in my life they come all too seldom. I want to feel happiness in the depths of my soul and see the beauty in everything life has to offer. I'm working on these things, but patience is something I was born without. You're supposed to gain patience with age, but I don't find that to be true. In the meantime, I find solace in capturing beauty with my camera and in my art. The sad thing is that lately I haven't been able to do any art because of my moodiness. Hopefully that will change and time marches on.

Look out Graham Ettridge - I may be knocking on your door in Wiltshire England soon, taking you out for a night at the pub and some Irish "crack" (not sure they call it that where you live, but I've always loved how the Irish make use of a word that in my country means an incredibly hard drug - lol.)

IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN LIFE

2008-08-17T10:54:00.011-07:00

Some of us are so busy in life we forget to take note of the smaller, seemingly less significant moments in life, but nonetheless moments which are all too important to stride right over the top of. Driving home the other day from, what felt like, another dull day at the office, I started to realize that I was living this unhealthy pattern of driving straight home after work and doing the same thing every day. BORING. I turned the truck around and drove myself to the theater for my sixth viewing of Mamma Mia. I did it on a weeknight, a night in which I knew I had to get ready for work the next day, and I didn't care. As I drove home, joyfully and loudly belting out the Abba soundtrack to the movie, I rolled all the windows down in the truck, let my hair blow all over the place, and let my left arm surf the air currents outside the window. The air was full of moisture and permeated my nose with the smell of oncoming rain. Stars peeked out from around the clouds when they could, and I sang as full and boisterous as I could, never giving care to those around me when I sat at a stop light. It was a short, but leisurely 10 minute drive home, but probably the best one I've had in so many years I couldn't tell you.

These are the moments, the little things that we take for granted. I see them in my photography and can capture them, but on a subconscious plane - not because I realized they were even there.

There is a line from a movie called, "The Color Purple" with Whoopi Goldberg, in which a woman says as they stroll through a field of purple flowers, "I think it pisses God off if we walk through a field with the color purple, and don't even notice." I've always loved that line, and I doubt if I quoted it verbatim, but it makes me think about how absolutely beautiful it is to be alive, to be able to feel and touch, to see and hear and smell and taste all of the things around us. Life does not always feel like it's a good thing because we just have days when it's hard and we don't see beyond our little caged-in daily lives, but if you really give that caged-in life the value it deserves, and look outside of bars, you will see that life is SO much more than work and school and kids and home and bills, because that part can be so stressful. I want more from life, and the more priority I give to finding and enjoying the important moments in life, the more clarity and satisfaction I find in my soul.

Whatever this odd search is that is going on inside of me lately, it has brought into light some clear retrospection and the opportunity to get to know who I am inside of this host body. I strive to leave a mark on the world, a sort of "I was here", if you will. I am attempting this with the three books I have written in trying to get them published. I have published some poems, some of my photography and some articles, but not on the scale that I desire.

The most important thing I have realized lately, is that it's okay to have dreams and lusts and desires. To want more for myself to fulfill myself in ways that I have always denied myself. I no longer wish to be the uptight single mom who struggles to make ends meet. If ends don't meet, then there will be something else around the corner. It's time to let go. I've put myself on a list for caretaker jobs to be able to see the nation and the world and live in many different places meeting many different people. I know now that this is what I want, what I need, what I have to have for total fulfillment.

If I had any money at all, I would be on the next plane to the UK or Ireland or Greece. Material possessions no longer merit concern with me, which is a HUGE growth spurt in my life.

An artist's soul is curious and longs to express and create and travel to soak up knowledge. Denying these needs has only brought a sense of poison into my life. No more.

TIME

2008-08-17T07:03:00.012-07:00

One of the blogs that I really enjoy reading on a regular basis is One Man's Travels by Graham Ettridge. He has the most fabulous insights and eye for photographs. Anyway, I loved his idea for a monthly challenge and I decided to give it a go this time. The theme is TIME and the guidelines are as follows:

1) Take a photograph that in some way, manner or form represents the theme of "Time". You are welcome to use your artistic touch to manipulate the photograph using a photopackage such as photoshop. Be as creative as you desire!!! You are even welcome to sumbit a video clip, if that is your preferred media.

2) Include a brief explanation of how the photograph(s) relate to the theme. The photograph doesn't need to be outside, it can be of somebody or of something around the home.... it just needs to represent the theme of the month.

Since I have been struggling lately with the concept of time and how it has factored into the massive changes I have made lately, it started me thinking about things that change quickly over time, so my relevance to the theme is the change that occurs because of time.

Time is not terribly friendly to flowers. They emerge as beautiful blossoms and morph into fragrant, eye-catching flowers (in this case roses, which I love). Within only a day or two a rose becomes saggy and wilted and by the next day, brown and shriveled. It is so sad that this beauty cannot last beyond those few days, but I think the secret to a rose or anything beautiful in nature, is to enjoy its beauty and substance while it does last.People are often not as quick to cycle through this process as flowers, but nonetheless change so greatly with time. An example of this is a sort of photo log I keep of my son each year to track how drastically his appearance changes with time. He has so quickly changed from an innocent, helpless babe, into a responsible, caring, loving young man, who I am so proud to have had on loan to raise until he comes into his own.
Time is unstoppable. It's the one constant in a world of uncertainty. You can count on it to be there day after day, methodically and dutifully carrying on until, one day, it runs out.