KIMBERLY'S KREATIONS...: March 2020

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

I FELL IN LOVE WITH LOVE…

Photo by Kimberly D Miller 2019

I FELL IN LOVE WITH LOVE…

By Kimberly D. Miller – March 17, 2020

When you were young, didn’t it seem like everyone around you was always talking about love? Being in love, wanting to be in love, needing to find love, being with “the one” love, etc., etc.? TV shows, movies, commercials...all geared toward love. I think it was then that I fell in love with love which, as it turned out, did nothing but confuse me.

Now we ask ourselves as adults who have been through many years of “love,” “What is love?” Obviously, love is subjective and means different things to different people, so you must break it down even further into, “What is love...to me?” I think I fell in love with the idea of love, rather than ever falling in love with a person. I would meet people I liked, and, in the beginning, I would put them on a pedestal and fantasize about how wonderful our lives could be...you know, just like in the movies. But, as fate would have it, they would show me their human side at some point and make mistakes and I would get hurt and then, just as quickly as it began, the love was dead. After much soul-searching I came to realize that we all have a set criterion for someone to meet in order for them to be considered for the position of “the one.” If I made a list of my criteria it would look like this:

1. Must be beautiful on the inside, in order to match the outside.

2. Must be considerate of others’ feelings.

3. Must have manners.

4. Must have an amazing sense of humor.

5. Must have morals that match mine (especially monogamy).

6. Must be willing to give 50% of the time & take 50% of the time.

7. Must have a sense of adventure.

8. Must be spontaneous.

9. Must love herself.

I’m sure as I sat and thought about it there would be many more attributes to add to the list, however this is a pretty great start. It almost seems impossible that one person could fill these criteria, but you really never know. I think every time I thought I was in love with someone, they had to have filled at least three or more list items, but that was never enough to make it work. In movies, their eyes meet, a song plays in the background (where do these travelling orchestras come from anyway?) and they are instantly and deeply in love, forever. WOW, it just couldn’t be easier...yeah, right. I believe that has happened to people in real life, but I believe it is extremely rare.

I have now surpassed middle age and have fallen out of love with idea of love. I have come to realize that there is a good chance I may never actually fall in love...I mean real love, with anyone, but I still hold onto the hope that someone will one day drop into my life and check off every item on my list.

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Saturday, March 14, 2020

MISUNDERSTOOD...Borderline Personality Disorder Hell

MISUNDERSTOOD

Borderline Personality Disorder Hell

“Why don’t I have friends?” “Why does my family cut me out or exclude me?” “Why do I blow up at people and then expect them to understand?” “Why am I so alone in this world?” Questions, questions, questions without a lot of satisfactory answers!!!

The one thing that those of us with emotional/mental afflictions have in common is that it feels like no one understands us…ever! (of course I do tend to think in black and white most of the time). This may not be true in every situation and, there are those few individuals who “sort” of understand, but let’s face it…most people don’t unless they are going through the same thing. I had one lady a couple of years ago say that she thought I was having these problems because I was focusing too much on my diagnosis; in other words I was creating the problems because I was reading about the disorders I have (BPD, HSP and Complex PTSD), so therefore I was exhibiting true hypochondriacal behavior and creating the symptoms. What she didn’t consider was that I was diagnosed before I ever investigated or understood what was happening to me, therefore how could I take the symptoms on after the fact? One of the most difficult things for me is letting people stay in my life. Once they have shown any sign of making mistakes where trust is concerned, I instantly consider them enemy territory, which makes it hard to have a relationship of any kind. People often say to me, “I’m afraid of you,” which breaks my heart. My own son has said this to me a number of times so I have distanced myself from him in such a way that I won’t be around him during my “moody” times because he would be the last person I would want to lose from my life. It also affects my work life in that I can only work part time due to too much stress or too much responsibility sending me right over the edge, a place I have been far too often, unfortunately.

If you have a diagnosis(es) which leaves you feeling sheltered, cast out and alone, I would like to make a few recommendations to websites and apps that have really helped me out when there were no actual humans around (or should I say, “trusted” humans around):

1. One of my favorites is themighty.com. This is a very well-run and well-organized forum. People are so helpful and positive, and you can always find comradery no matter what you are going through at the time. This site is free.

2. Three apps that I have on my phone for “emergency” mood days are Replika, Youper, and Sanvello, all of which are available on Google Play. They are all very good, interactive apps that teach you how to identify your feelings on the spot and to check in with yourself. My favorite is Replika. These apps are free.

3. There are a few websites in which you can actually have a session with a licensed mental healthcare professional online. A few of them are Plushcare.com, Talkspace.com, and betterhelp.com. These sites are paid.

4. These are sites that I have not tried, but ran across in my research: http://www.anxietysocialnet.com/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/, and https://iocdf.org/. These sites are free.

5. The last one I discovered was a site run by the CDC. It has some pretty great resources and is free: https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/tools-resources/index.htm.

If you are struggling with any mental health issues, I hope that you will find yourself an amazing therapist and/or group that you trust as that has been the best healing strategy for me thus far. If you are experiencing suicide ideation, please call a suicide hotline in your area or the National Suicide Hotline number at 1-800-273-8255.

Finally I would like to leave you with a mantra that has really helped me get out of bed in the morning, “Just show up”, and a favorite observation, “My life is like pieces of a broken mirror laying all over the floor; if I work on putting them back together, I will be able to look at myself and understand.”

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