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Sunday, April 29, 2018

A TIMELESS LIFE...

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller 04-2018

Being a deep-thinker can make for an exhausting and lonely life at times, but I've come to realize that I am a person of ideas and I have so many of them that they are literally bursting to make their way out of my crowded, crazy mind (insert infamous grin here).

Yesterday, while in the middle of a coaching session, I realized that I repeatedly hear this phrase from people, “There's not enough time.” From there I began to ponder and wondered, what if it wasn't about time? What if there were no calendars or clocks or watches? What would the world be like? The answer? R * E * L * A * X * E * D. Of course it would be very negative for the economy because there may not be one, but for our mental health, it would be amazing. Imagine it. Going to bed when you felt like it, waking up...whenever, working when it was convenient to do so, or if you even wanted to, but there are no calendars so you'd never know if it were a work day or a day to relax. People would have all the time in the world to spend quality time raising their families. No one would rush, which would pretty much eliminate road-rage and angry attitudes toward others. No one would have to wrestle with getting the things they loved in their lives accomplished against a clock or day of the week. People could have social gatherings and not worry about getting home early to get to work the next day. We would eat meals when hungry, not by the clock...and so on and so on.

There have been a few times when I have had little to no work and, while it was hard on the bank account, I SO loved the freedom I felt being able to not look at a clock or calendar. What day was it? What time was it? I never knew, nor did I care. Having to succumb to society for our bread and butter takes all of the quality living out of life so therefore, what kind of life is that at all? Now, with everyone so plugged in, there is even less.
Sadly, I feel that so many of us will never know this kind of freedom, and because we need to eat and keep roofs over our heads, there will always be clocks and watches and calendars, hence the phrase, “There's not enough time,” will always be a debilitating factor.


Learning to manage the time we have is so important and I hope that, if you are having problems doing so, you will make a real effort to find your particular answer through either research or hiring a life coach. It makes all the difference in your quality of life. 


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Monday, April 23, 2018

IT'S BLACK OR WHITE...IT'S ALL OR NOTHING...IT'S B.P.D...

Photo (c) Kimberly D. Miller - 4/23/18

IT'S BLACK OR WHITE...IT'S ALL OR NOTHING...IT'S B.P.D...

Over the course of the last two decades (okay, maybe a few extra years as well), I have been diagnosed a few times by various counseling-type people, as having Borderline Personality Disorder. Is this an illness? Most say yes...I say no...it is a severe form of dis- “ease,” especially since anxiety is a prominent symptom and one in and of itself which deprives one of ease.

How is it that you are going along in life, thinking everything is great and then you realize that, not only are you not like everyone else around you, but you are so far removed that you are in a whole other category of uniqueness and “weirdness.” You find that you want so badly for a relationship to work and for it to be a healthy relationship with the woman of your dreams (for me at least, for you it could be a man), and every time you try, you sabotage it because no people on this planet exist who can understand you and your dis- “ease.” There is no one strong enough or willing enough to hang in there through all of the tough times and the scary times and who refuse to be pushed away because let's face it, people with borderline personality disorder can push hard and long when we are scared and heavily involved in our splitting (a term which can be found in the article below).

I found a blog called TheMighty, and in it there are many, wonderful, informative articles on BPD. I happened upon a particular article submitted by Rachel Sloan entitled, “TheLoneliness of Living With Borderline Personality Disorder.” This article answered so many of my questions about myself and why I can't have a relationship. I have put a link above in the title to take you to the main article, but I also wanted to share the following excerpt:

How do you explain to someone the burning feeling of emptiness in your stomach, swimming through your veins, breaking you down from the inside? How do you explain the lack of emotional permanence or the effort it takes to overcome the constant fear that everyone you know and love wishes you were dead? How do you explain that, despite the positive people and events in my life, I spend most of my time fighting the urge to self-destruct or disappear? Most days, I can’t even really explain it to myself.

I long for ease in my relationships. I long for ease in my career, in my family and friends and in my life's entirety. I want to experience, at least one time before I leave this earth, what it is like to have a healthy, 50/50 relationship with the woman of my dreams and have it work for more than just a couple of months or years. I want to know what it is to have a firm partner, one who cannot be shaken and will never leave, even if in the beginning, I do all the pushing...someone who wants to know me and makes every effort to get me. I also want to want to do that for her. I want us to be so connected in a way that we never have been or will be again with anyone else. I want to have close, close friends who get this side of me and say, “It's okay, it's just who you are and we love you and will always be here.” If I were a believer in bucket lists, this is all that would be on mine.

If you have never felt your whole life like you fit in anywhere and everywhere, like there is not another person on this planet who understands you or ever will, like you can't stand yourself most times because your moods shift all over the place in the space of ten minutes and you don't understand balance and middle ground, or that you can't finish projects you start, or that you overreact to situations and are highly sensitive, please take the time to get diagnosed by a professional mental healthcare provider...one that you trust. Knowing what you are dealing with is the first step to finding a path to actually live your life and know real happiness.


My wish for you is that you find your ease.

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

IF YOU KEEP LOOKING BACK, YOU’LL SPRAIN YOUR NECK…

(Photograph (c) Kimberly D Miller 03/2018)

Does our past define us? It shouldn’t, but for many it absolutely does and that my friend, is a very unhealthy way to define a future.

We are able to remember past events, not as a way to build walls against negative results toward similar situations, but to guide us forward…to act as a contrast between positive decisions and those of a negative variety. Have you ever noticed that you just can’t remember parts of your childhood, either until someone else talks about an incident or a similar situation arises in your present to jog your memory? Some memories, mainly negative in nature, are so deeply embedded in us due to years of not dealing with them because they were suppressed at the time for our protection, that we tend to forget they are down there and then, one day, WHAM, they pop up at what feels like, the worst possible moment. Once the memory is back it reminds us that, “Oh yeah, the last time this happened it was terrible and I have to make sure I never let this happen again,” and presto, another brick is added to your heart wall (the wall we build around our heart from negative experiences to keep them protected…so we think). The higher and thicker the heart wall becomes, the more we remove ourselves from society and the longer it will take to tear down.

I am a prime example of blocking memories from the past. Having been blessed/cursed as a deep-thinker in life, I try to find the “why” of every situation and, as many of you know, this process will, more often than not, drive you mad. However, the other day I was sitting in my art room working on a project and this realization about my mother and my depression came flooding into my consciousness. I blame this on all of the meditation I have been doing lately (lol...it's a good thing). I had totally blocked and deeply buried the fact that my mother tried to take her own life when I was 13. This memory was so relevant to what I have been going through for years and yet, during a time that I was relaxed and just working on an art project, it came back. I even remembered the details and connected two different past events. My mother kept telling me after that incident that she really wasn’t trying to kill herself, but that she “forgot” she had already taken a couple of doses of Valium before she took the next (combined with all of the alcohol as well). Then I remembered that later in life, I was probably in my late 30’s, my mom revealed to me that my father had a “lover” for years who lived in another city. I finally put together that this all occurred right around the same time as all of the nighttime fighting and the sounds of glass breaking against the fireplace, and overhearing my dad yell things like, “If you try to leave me, I’ll take the kids and you’ll never see them again.” All of this began to add up for me as to why I protect my heart so much and why love has never fully been able to work for me with a partner. I let my parents’ relationship (or lack thereof) define what a relationship is. I even let it define the type of person I fell for in that I always fell for people, who I knew going in, that would never work out (with the exception of two people…B.S. and A.S.) How sad I felt for my past self (I threw a little pity party and served wine and cheese), right then and there, that I could have had healthy love this entire time had someone ever told me that relationships don’t have to be that way, not if you are with the right person. I was letting the past define my future. I now know that I have walls to tear down and have begun the process so I can live and feel my life and feel love and connection with someone and make a life of joy and partnership.

It takes a lot of work to undo what we have done to ourselves over the years, but remember this…it can be undone. You can heal and will find a way to do so if you want it badly enough. Keep your eyes and your focus on the here and the now…let life unfold as it may and stay out of the past…there is really no reason to go back there as it’s over and done and should not be able to hurt you anymore without your permission.


***A tip to tear down your heart wall is this...when you feel the time is right, go back and grab the memories that you buried during very traumatic moments in your life, try to recall them fully, and then face them head on. You will be surprised as to how quickly they leave you forever and how much more open you will feel when you gain this freedom***


Thank you so much for visiting my blog and please, if you like what you've read, leave a comment by clicking on the word "comments" below. If you have a blog or website of your own I would love to visit it. After your comment, make sure to post your link and I will stop by and leave a comment as well. Please respect the copyright/trademark rights of the artist's work. Copying and using any work posted here is forbidden without express permission. Happy blogging.