EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS…
I love the expression…”One day at a time,” however someone
like me still needs that narrowed down to, “One second at a time,” because with
OCD (not to mention the other three mental disorders), If I know I have a whole
day to plan, then I very much want to plan it.
At least with a one-second-at-a-time view of the world, it is very
difficult for me to plan each second and build up expectations for those
seconds and/or be let down if those plans fail.
Expectations suck! I
mean, there isn’t a better way to put it…they bite the big weenie! Where does it come from, this obsession to
expect things from people? I wish I
could expect nothing from people and then I would always be pleasantly
surprised if the outcome were to my liking or in some way benefitted me or a
part of my life in a positive way. How
do I learn not to expect things from those I trust. I think I first have to realize that I tend
to put people I really love high up on a pedestal, at which time those people
then do not seem human anymore; they are more like superheroes at this
point. The top of this pedestal is a
dangerous place to be. Not only does
this person now have to prove they belong up there, but they have to appear to
be superhuman as well. The worst part? The person has no idea any of this is happening. It’s only visible and apparent through my
twisted and warped mind so, when they fail to treat me like a pedestal person
ought to treat me, then I take it out on them, the whole time they are shaking
their head, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, wondering, “What the fuck?” I would love some advice, no that’s not the
right word…training, that’s the word, on how to find patience in one’s self and
how to let people just be people without having to put them up on that cold,
drafty, imbalanced pedestal.
I hadn’t realized it until recently, but I put my best
friend, whose initials are P.A.L. (no, seriously), up on one of those and it’s
driven him mad. Well, technically he is
actually already mad, but I think I’m wearing him out. He said to me the other day that I was trying
to create or live in a bubble. Not sure
where he was going with that but then it dawned on me that maybe he is saying
that I need to pop the bubble and find other friends and seek new situations
and experiences besides just work and his family, which he has so graciously
been sharing with me. He’s right, but
given the strength I lost over the holidays it is just taking me such a long
time this time to get back to being me.
His patience, despite his own problems and worries, has been a warm,
fuzzy blanket for me this winter, which I wouldn’t have made it through without
his love and support. However, he IS the
one I expect things from, but he probably doesn’t know it. I now have to adjust this poisonous pattern
and learn not to expect anything from him, or anyone else including myself, and
hope that it isn’t too late for him to come back around. I need to be high up in the stands supporting
him, helping him, being there to listen, picking him up if he falls, keeping
his secrets, lifting his spirits when he needs lifted, and loving him
unconditionally with no judgment.
Normally I would expect him to do the same for me, but therein lies the
problem, EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS.
