As I sit here typing, trying to stay cool amid the hot, June, Arizona sun, inside of my small block house on the street with the cul-de-sac at the end, I can hear my son’s cat, Bert, crying from the other side of the door to their room, beckoning him to return from his walk. Meanwhile, my cat, Pepper, is taunted by ants rushing about in her food bowl. I have since cleaned the bowl and set back in its usual spot with a fresh portion of garden variety food and now I listen as she crunches each tiny morsel with gusto. The hum of the air conditioner reminds me, not of the electric bill that will undoubtedly be high this month, but of my good fortune in having a roof over my head and a working air conditioner to keep the heat at bay.
My mind wanders ahead to rising at 5 a.m. tomorrow morning to begin a Monday at my new job. Although this will be the third Monday in my new job, I still have so many questions in this training phase and cannot let my mind rest as it desperately longs to do.
The aroma of fresh lasagna fills the air with the happiness and joy I now derive from finally being able to afford food.
I’m learning to live…just for the day…not for the future…just for me and helping those around me…not the way others think I should…just being grateful for what I do have that’s good and for the bad things that aren’t in my life…not for the bad things in my life and the good things I don’t have…for positivity…not for negativity.
The neighborhood is hushed with a Sunday kind of silence…the kind where you know people must be nestled in their homes, resting and relaxing with their families and friends, or enjoying their own company and a good movie with a glass of wine.
The woman I am today reflects back on the woman I was only a short year ago and marvels at the progress she has made in personal growth. I never thought I would grow into myself, but I’m well on my way to knowing the truth and finding the exact path that makes that special part of me purposeful and worthwhile, not only to myself but to those I am able to help as well. I realized today that now, because I truly love myself, I am finally ready to invite someone else into my life…someone to love. I can now love in a healthy way and not the way I did in the past when it was all about fixing people and being a co-dependent enabler. I will no longer choose a partner who wants to fix or change me and those around them. The days of “poor me” are gone. Long live the days of, “You kick ass, girl.”
No comments:
Post a Comment