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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

MY COMING OUT STORY...



Is a person born homosexual or are they born heterosexual and choose to identify as homosexual...this is a controversial question argued by so many for so long.  Although this dispute lingers on and on, it's definitely clear for me.

From the time I was old enough to understand the difference between boys and girls, I always felt closer to girls. I remember a particular friend in the second grade. During recess they would prop the hall doors open for everyone to go outside and play on the equipment, but she and I would always squeeze in behind those doors and sit on the concrete completely hidden from view. There, we talked about everything and played the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," game and experimented with touching as well. Nothing pornographic, just curious kid stuff. I never did this with boys because they just didn't interest me.

As I grew I made my way through various friendships, but always girls. I remember becoming extremely jealous if my friend (at the time) started liking someone else as a "friend" because, as I realized much later in life, my definition of "friend" was different than theirs. It crushed me. I could not understand why another person was necessary since my friend and I had it all.

I experimented with boys as I became older, but not out of a sense of attraction. It was more because my parents were urging me to make friends with boys so I could start dating. They were so worried at one point that when I was a sophomore in high school a friend of theirs (who apparently I played with when I was a toddler) stopped by to visit us on his way through town. He was staying at a local campground in a tent on the beach and my parents, regardless of how many times I balked at the suggestion, made me go "out" with him for a "date." This guy had creep written all over him. I was painfully shy, but ultimately succumbed to my parents' insistence. I have always been intuitive about people and can sense someones character right off the bat and this guy did not have "catching up" on his mind. He took me to Anchor Bay campground where we walked on the beach for a bit and then suggested we go sit in his tent and rest a while. I followed him inside, he zipped it up, and then wrestled me to the ground on top of his sleeping bag. This boy had 18 arms, I know he did. He grabbed at everything and tried kissing me time and time again. I was very thin, but strong. I kicked him in the nuts and told him to take me back home or I was walking and that either way I was letting my parents know. He got all dejected and finally drove me home.

Later, I decided I should at least try the man/woman dynamic because apparently that is how things are supposed to work, according to mom and dad and all my high school peers. I was raped before I could even get that started (which I blogged about in a prior post). I then met a man at work when I was living in the Bay Area, whose name was Bill. I developed quite a crush on him as he had a great personality, and we began to date. Of course, as is the natural flow of dating, we moved from one phase to the next, letting nature take its course. It isn't that I didn't enjoy being with men, but I was never satisfied by the sex. I continued this course with various men and eventually had a son by one of them (an event that I will be eternally grateful for).

Finally I decided it was time to come to terms with who I was. My acceptance, while fully aware of much of the public's view of gay people, was a long, hard road . It took me a long time to reach my comfort level. My son was the first person I told.  I think he was 14 at the time.  I wanted to make sure he understood that this would not change his comfort level at home, though I never really dated while raising him anyway. He was very understanding. I then came out to my mother and my brothers who, over time, finally came to accept me for who I am. That doesn't mean that I am a man-hater, by no means. I love men and work with them predominantly day and in and day out, but I now identify as a lesbian. It was a long, hard road in getting to where I am, but I am so glad I made the trip. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to live as myself and not care about being judged by others.

In answering the question from the first paragraph, I would say that I was born homosexual because I never would have been true to who I am if I continued to live any other way. Is that the case with everyone who identifies as gay? I could not, nor would not ever presume to answer that question for anyone but myself, but for me...I was born to love in a way that society deems "abnormal" (a term I despise by the way).

Coming can be extremely confusing and hard, but I am here to help and there are support groups all over the place these days, thanks to all of those who came before me and fought so hard for the right to be who we are. I am so grateful to them.

If you would like to talk about coming out or need any life-coaching in coming out, please email me and I would be happy to help. If you can't find a support group in your area, maybe I can come up with a suggestion. Live your life to the fullest, enjoy every minute of every day and be true to you.


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