THE BRAVEST WOMAN I KNOW...

This is my mother. As I grew up I thought she was the most beautiful mother, inside as well as out. There were times however, as I moved into puberty, that I thought she was too timid for her own good. She gave in to people and didn't stand up for herself when I thought she should have. As I grew older I came to realize that my mother was raised to be this way, as she was raised in Virginia during a time when it was considered "lady-like" to be mousy and succumb to your husband's every whim, not to mention the childrens' whims.

I was lucky. Although I was shy as a child, I was born with a strong and stubborn personality. I could never understand why my mother allowed herself to be everything to everyone, but never to herself. I don't believe I have ever met a more selfless person than she, and as much as I love and respect her, I wanted so much more for her.

When my father died, my son and I moved to Arizona to be near my mother because I wanted my son to grow up with his grandmother in his life, as I did mine. As the years passed I realized that my mother finally wanted more for herself and for her needs. I encouraged this as much as possible and tried on every level to get her to stand up for herself and not take shit off of anyone. Much to my excitement, years later, she is now the strongest woman I know, surpassing myself by furlongs. We grew so much closer when my son and I moved to Arizona those twelve years ago, and now I have the best friend I have ever known.

In August of 2008, we discovered my mother had stage 4 lung cancer. Not only was it a shock to find out she had cancer, as she has always been the healthiest person ever, but to be at stage four? True, she smoked a lot of years, but she quit almost 8 years prior to this treacherous discovery. Since August of 2008, my mother has fought literally for her life. Could this be the same timid person from my youth? She not only gained her identity, but the strength of a thousand lions preparing to fight. Through a year and a half of radiation, three types of chemotherapy, herbal remedies, and a collapsed lung, through highs and lows, ups and downs, this woman has stepped up to the plate. Of course there were hard times and bad times, but through it all she has remained the epitome of strength and beauty and enjoyed getting out there and living life to the fullest.

Several days ago, after enjoying much success in her fight against this relentless beast, we went to the oncologist to check on her progress as we do every three or four months. This time we were told that the cancer was back, that her lungs were fully invaded along with her spleen and the collapsed lung. The doctor, a man with a horrible bedside manner, looked at us and told us there was really nothing more he could do and that there was no hope. He said that she maybe had eight weeks left to live. My heart sank and I looked at my mother who sat there shaking her head rationally as though to say, "I understand." She showed no fear and no sad emotion until we left the office. I don't know if I could have done that. Not after such gut-wrenching news. The past few days have been filled with struggle and sorrow, sadness and fear, but we have decided to try the more aggressive chemo again, along with milk thistle to try to eradicate the cancer from the liver and wherever else it will reach. I am not giving up on her, and I think after today, neither is she.

I wouldn't have believed it 20 years ago if someone had told me how strong my mother would prove to be, but here she is battling like Xena - Warrior Princess, and I couldn't more proud and thankful that she is my mother and my best friend.

ANGER = DIS-EASE?

This morning at 8:00 a.m. as my disrespectful neighbor decided to open the door of his house that faces my home and belligerently blast his music to 110 decibels, I felt red, hot anger rise up and seethe in my head and my body. I lost track of everything I was doing, ultimately burning the bacon, while I was in the process of calling the police and having them address this situation with him for the nth time this week. I snapped at my son when he came into the room. I began to shake with such venom that I could not control it. Finally the police arrived and he turned the music off. For hours after this I could not think of anything pleasant or get my morning back on track. I managed only to try to understand why he feels the need to be so rude and disrespectful toward me. It seems he plays it just loud enough for me to be disturbed, and opens only the door that faces my house, and therefore, disturbs none of the other neighbors. I have done nothing to bother this man, but he take great pleasure in making sure he bothers my son and I.

It was at that point that I realized just how much damage I let him do to me. I let him ruin what would otherwise have been a very pleasant morning. I let him change my mood into an angry and unhealthy one, and I let him spoil the nice time my son and I would have had at breakfast. Notice I use the phrase, "I let him," because ultimately had I not chosen to go there and dwell upon all of this unpleasantness, this would be a non issue.

Anger = dis-ease and dis-ease = illness and unpleasantness, which can well up into an unrelenting cancer. If there is one thing I learned recently it is that holding anger and other ugly emotions inside without dealing with them, results in pain and illness. Having attended that fabulous retreat got me to the point that I can sit back after the fact and realize what happened and what I could have done in the moment. I now understand how to slough off the bad from the situation, but I need to understand how to do this in real time, as it happens, and make better choices.

I think I am making great progress in this area, especially for such an impatient Taurus with a Virgo rising. LOL.

The lesson today? Just breathe!!!!!!

JUST BREATHE...

As we made our way home from New Mexico, four weary but spiritually enhanced travelers, daylight ebbed into dusk creating the most entrancing sunset I have seen in years. I took this picture out of the window of the car we were traveling in. It seemed as though the clouds had frenzied themselves into a tornado, but it was just a spectacular formation. This photo is completely unenhanced.

Our spiritual retreat this past weekend introduced me to Shelly, a woman with shamanic healing ability, and a kind and generous soul. She guided the four of us onto our respective, intended paths, and taught us how to redirect the negative energies plaguing our emotional and physical beings.

I think the most important thing I learned was how to breathe. I had not realized it before, but I don't breathe much on any given day. I was guided in how to open all of the seven chakras and how to breathe up through them. I learned the method of breathing from the abdomen as opposed to my usual, shallow chest breathing, and how to tell the difference between the two. As I progressed and practiced throughout the weekend, I could not believe how much better I felt. It was as though each breath pulled new and fresh energy and life inside me as each exhale released years upon years of negativity and dis-ease. I have made a vow to myself that each day shall be filled with this conscious breathing until one day, quite on its own, it becomes a natural phenomenon and not a conscious endeavor. When I reach that point I know I will have crossed into another plain of existence.

Thank you Shelly for the the awesome lessons learned (and the great cooking), thank you Anna and Tiffany for the chance to share this trip with you and get to know one another on a deeper level, and thank you Andy for coming along, even though your foot, ribs and finger were broken. We were an awesome foursome.